How 2 Corinthians Chapter 4 is Currently Transforming My Life…

With only four more days until my 22nd birthday,
I believe I can honestly say that this morning I received the best birthday gift I could have asked for,
And it came in the form of an answered prayer…

In my private time/conversations with GOD, one of the things I’ve been asking for (aside from permission to be in His face & know Him intimately the way Moses, Elijah and David, etc. did) is for Him to help me see myself the way HE sees me. At the very least I desired for Him to extend my extremely limited vision of myself – I am my worst critic!
It started yesterday. I was just sitting there in one of my classes (Shakespeare) and *BOOM* a piece of this verse falls into my heart…“But we have this treasure in earthern vessels…” I didn’t remember what the rest of the verse said, I didn’t even remember the NT book Paul said that in. So I turned to my best friend Google and typed in the part that came to me. There I found the verse in its entirety:

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God & not from ourselves” 2 Corinthians 4:7

That blew my socks off! I didn’t even read the entire chapter right then. I was so taken with the revelation GOD shared with me in that one verse. But before I can share that with you I must first make a confession…

I am a recovering control freak. I loathe schedules and routines. Even though I am also a recovering procrastinator I despise inactivity, regression, and being still for long periods of time. Even when I’m being lazy I’m still somewhat active (unless I’m sleeping).

For these reasons, among others, being patient is something I struggle with. So when GOD requires me to be still and to let Him work I tend to become quite fidgety. And if I’m not careful I soon find myself going the way of Sarah and trying to take things into my own hands. Not. Good. Fortunately for me GOD often steps in and saves me from myself and puts me in my place. What an Awesome GOD I serve!

So anyway since I’ve been in Gainesville, more specifically since 2009, I have felt like my life has been at a standstill. And thanks to social networking sites (like facebook) its too easy to track the lives of others and to see the “progress” or the great things they’re doing or have happening in their lives. And more often than not I have felt left out, like I’m not doing anything or going any where with my own life.
GOD has made it quite clear to me that HE has me in a preparation stage (kind of like how Moses was in the desert those 40 years before GOD called him to return to Egypt to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land). What is GOD preparing me for? Actually I’m not quite sure. All I’ve been told is to follow His lead. Still there have been many times when I have forgotten that message of preparation or desired for that season to end.

Here’s another confession:

I have the tendency to throw pity parties when I feel I have no control or influence on what’s going on around me. I have often been frustrated with myself because I felt inadequate and my shortcomings and imperfections (remember worst critic) have too often caused me to feel that I cannot be used by GOD because HE can’t even trust me with waiting patiently.

So here’s the revelation–
It is absolutely true that I am imperfect. I am a fragile and weak vessel, prone to error. But GOD is greater than me! HE can handle it.

Its crazy because I said this three days ago on twitter-
“If you think your screw up can thwart GOD’s eternal purpose & His divine plan for your life #youthinktoohighlyofyourself #please”

I was being really saucy on twitter that night! I went on to say-

“HE’s GOD #andyouare??? Yeah. Thought so. Your mistakes. Your mess. Your shortcomings. Your imperfections. He loves you anyway #Hecanhandleit”

And even though I knew I was preaching to myself I wasn’t really hearing what GOD was saying. But the seed was planted!

After reading 2 Corinthians 4:7 yesterday all the “you” and “your”s turned into “I” and “my”s…

HE’s GOD and I am??? My mistakes. My imperfections GOD can handle them. He loves me anyway. Who am I to “attempt” to limit what GOD can do with me, a so fragile & weak a vessel??? Even if it took a miracle that’s what my GOD specializes in! Duhhh Cara-Marie!!

So this morning when I only meant to glance at myself in the mirror I looked at myself, I mean
Really looked at myself
My eyes were opened to the GOD in me.
**Did you know you could be so humble to the point that you discredit the work GOD has done and is doing in your life?**

I was doing that. But this morning for the first time in a very long time I saw myself and the work God is doing in me and through me and thought

“Wow I love me! Like really, I love all of me! I like the way I look. I like the way I act and despite my flaws and imperfections I’m elated that I’m myself and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world. I’m content with who I am because I know its not just about who I am but who I’m becoming in Christ.”

When I woke up this morning I found that GOD had gifted me with contentment.

I’m right where I’m supposed to be. So what if my life or body isn’t the best or the most glamorous??? The Only wise GOD, the only living GOD, Creator of all things chooses to walk and talk with me!! And HE has had a purpose and destiny prepared just for me since before the beginning of time. How blessed am I!

Its surreal, the feeling this revelation has brought. I’m quite sure I’ll need to be reminded of this day every now and again but I’m embracing this epiphany with my entire being.

I could go on and on about 2 Corinthians 4 especially verses 8, 9 and 18 but I’ll simply leave it at this…

(Although life is filled with troubles) I am not distressed. (Since my hope is founded in Christ) I will not despair. (GOD sees me and is near me therefore) I am not forsaken and (even when I’m broken) I am not destroyed.

Oh no! My eyes are fixed on my Immortal and Invisible GOD and the spiritual realm I cannot see because I know that all I can see with my physical eyes is temporal (temporary and subject to change).

Loving you…
And Wishing you all the Peace.&.Blessings that come from Knowing GOD!!

“(8) We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; (9) Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;” 2 Cor. 4:8-9

“(18) We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Cor. 4:18

Teach Me: Dating vs. Courting…Romantic Relationships. Where Do I Fit In???

I’ll simply start this post with a confession-

I have no clue what I want in/from a romantic relationship.

Please don’t confuse the above statement with one that is similar to it but is not true for me: “I have no clue what I want in/from a man.” 

Oh, I know what I want in a man…maybe too well…

*Disclaimer: When I use the term “romantic relationship” I do not wish to imply the presence of romance in the relationship, (it may or may not be present int the relationship). The word romantic could easily be replaced with intimate; I’m simply referring to dating/courting/intimate relationship status*

A while back I wrote a long list (it must have had at least 40 different things) about what I wanted in a man. I have an awesome relationship with my father and as he was partially responsible for the majority of things I wrote on my list I brought my list to him proudly. However, he laughed in my face then said “You have too many things here…you only need three.” Of course I was puzzled. Three??? What? According to him the only three things I really need to find in a man is: 1. That this man loves GOD 2. This man respects me and 3. This man has ambition.

Yeah. Okay. I had those three on my longer list…but um, I’m looking for a little more than that…I’m talking nice teeth, large hands, 6’0 or taller…I’m sorry is that, is that shallow??? Lol oh okay sorry, um, :clears throat: I digress…The moral of that story is I ditched the list but not those three things. (Love you Pops!) However, it would be remiss of me to continue without telling you that I still have a few other things that I’m looking for in a man. The majority of these added things are not physical traits and honestly they can fall under the larger umbrella of loving God. I’m only interested in a man who can be honest. A man of character and integrity. I could go on but I won’t the point is knowing what I want in a man is not the problem.

**And let me say this lists are lists and people are people. A list is just that…a list. It’s written. It’s two dimensional. It’s dead. It’s static. It’s fantasy. It has no life or personality. It’s limited. You cannot marry or date a list. People are much more complicated and they are quite alive and they change (sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse). Men like women are wonderful and imperfect. People can never be reduced to a list and they shouldn’t have to deal with being reduced to one either! :steps down from soapbox:**

That I know. Dating??? Courting??? Romantic relationships??? Yeah…not even the slightest clue. First of all, am I totally to blame? I don’t think so. With all these different terms out there: dating, courting, talking, booed up, in a relationship, it’s complicated, in an open relationship – am I totally to blame for not knowing what I should be doing or how I should be going about it? What does all that even mean!?! And if they all mean something different why is that acceptable??? Ugh. It’s annoying! I’m going to move on.

I don’t know what the ideal romantic relationship looks like. Even as a Christian I’m not sure what’s acceptable. Am I allowed to have options? Is it okay to be interested in more than one person? If so, can I go on a date with more than one person, in order to get to know each of them better??? At just about 22 I haven’t had a serious relationship since my first semester of college and I haven’t gone on very many dates (<- Awww. that looks so sad in writing lol) At least I don’t think I’ve gone on many dates…what makes a date a date??? I’m so confused.

Maybe it’s time to bring up some hypothetical situations: T, Y, L are three different people who are interested in you and consequently you’re interested in them. It’s all innocent. You haven’t gone out on an official date with either of them but there have been times where you’ve kicked it with each of them separately. You’re friends. All of a sudden all three of them want to go on an official date. Can you go out with all three of them?

Now let’s say “L” and you really hit it off. You two don’t talk everyday but when you do talk the conversation is good. You certainly don’t refer to “L” as your boyfriend/girlfriend, man/lady (or whatever other titles are being used these days) but you find yourself holding hands with this person, maybe even kissing them – what does that mean??? Is that acceptable? Or are you two simply using each other because both of you are getting something out of it?

Then Let’s say “T” has good conversation too. You talk to T more than you talk to L. Even though things seem to be progressing with L you still want to talk to T and get to know T and who knows maybe you’ll even decide to pursue something with T. Is that wrong???

I understand the concept of courtship. It is dating with the intention to be married. It’s basically, if I’ve got this right, the step in between getting to know each other and getting engaged. Right??? Do courting couples need titles??? I really need to know how important titles are in romantic relationships.

Do people have to know you’re a couple before you get engaged? Is it rude to introduce your romantic interest as “my friend”?

As a Christian, I’d like to do things the right[eous] way.

I must confess that the idea of “dating” more than one person intrigues me, perhaps because I’ve no experience whatsoever with that. Even so, that still seems rather shallow and I’d like to be able to commit and know that I’m investing in something and someone worthwhile. I don’t think it would work out very well for me if I thought I was with someone “unofficially” and then all of a sudden they’re marrying someone else. It’s all fun and games til someone gets married. I suppose that’s why it’s important to be on the same page.

How public should a romantic relationship be? I believe in privacy of course but I don’t believe in being someone’s secret. That’s a red flag, I think. But then again what do I know. Really???

Teach me!

What’s your opinion of what an ideal relationship looks like? How should romantic relationships play out on social network sites??? (<- is that a random question, oh well, I’m interested in the answer nonetheless). Where does the fun end and the work begin? I know that real romantic relationships especially courtships take effort to work. I suppose that’s a starting point, realizing that romantic relationships (REAL romantic relationships, or romantic relationships that are done right) probably require more giving than taking.

From what I know I think I’d like to know that when I’m in a relationship it’s a committed one, one where I am able to be vulnerable, one where I’m able to give of myself completely and not be worried that I’m sowing the wrong seed or sowing in the wrong soil, one where I am a better person for being in it and accomplishing more than I would if I were still single. Most importantly I’d want to know that GOD is pleased and that my relationship is a light to others around me. Ultimately it needs to lead to marriage and marriage is a ministry. 

Does that mean I’m not interested in dating around at all??? Honestly…I don’t know. I don’t really see myself doing that but then again that was never an issue because I was never placed in that position. So is it wrong??? A person who dates around, are they exploring their options or doing too much??? Where does one draw the line? Thoughts and comments please. Teach me!!

Wishing you success in every area including your romantic relationships. If you have a dating/marriage relationship that works for you then: Share the wealth and Spread the light.&.love

Blessings all.

Teach Me: “But you gotta have friends”

So…

There was a time when I was addicted to taking those silly little online personality quizzes…I’m talking before facebook, like this is back in the day (at least for me) even before myspace, back when AOL Instant messenger was the coolness!

I would literally search for them (and by search I mean google “online personality quizzes”). Not that I can remember now but I’m almost sure at one time or other I took one entitled something like “What Kind of Friend Are You?” Obviously I don’t know what the outcome of that quiz was…I don’t even really remember taking it but I’m sure somewhere between the “Are You in Love” quiz, the “Naughty or Nice” quiz the “What Kind of Girl Are You” quiz there was at least one “What Kind of Friend Are You” quiz.

Of course the results of these quizzes are always as general as horoscopes…”You are a good friend…you always listen…in fact you’re such a good friend many people consider you their “best” friend.” Oh my goodness that is SO true! :rolls eyes:

Friends are obviously important, for a number of reasons and society knows that. There are thousands of articles on the 7 types of friends you should have or the 5 Types of friends everyone should get rid of, often types these types overlap or are non-existent in the life of the average person and doggone it who came up with these friend types anyway???

It really doesn’t matter…because “But you gotta have friends” (as Donkey so articulately says in the movie Shrek).

Can you tell I’m a cornball??? Random. Don’t answer that. lol

Anyhoo-

Over the past couple days I’ve been thinking about ships…friendship, relationship, discipleship…and the list goes on. And I’m wondering to myself “What kind of friend am I?”

Have I been a good friend? What makes me think I have been? And how do I know? If I weren’t me would I want me as a friend?

My honest assessment landed me here…the middle of uncertainty…I don’t know! But I had to have some inkling right??? Right. So I thought even harder…

I have since come to the conclusion that I am a good friend. Could I be a better friend? Certainly. But that will happen as I continue to evolve into a better person.

I’m not sure what the definition of a good friend is…anybody know??? Please share. Teach me! Seriously I want to know.

I’ve decided I am a good friend because I’m there when it matters most. I’m usually poised to listen. If I can do something to help I will.

However,

If you’re looking for the type of friend that’s in communication with you daily or even weekly or even monthly I’m afraid that I won’t always deliver. I’ve tried that and I seem to fail. How important is that to a genuine friendship??? I don’t know. Someone please  – Teach me!

Also I think I kind of suck at letting people know how much they mean to me. Sad but true. Like seriously, I only recently became comfortable with saying I Love You to people. My relationship with words and phrases caused me to feel that “I Love You” was a phrase that was overused and so I didn’t want to participate in its abuse so I didn’t say it. Instead I should have been putting it to proper use and allowing people to hear the authenticity of the love that motivated my saying those three words. Did that sound confusing??? Hope you could follow, I apologize if it was too much. Continuing on…

Writing is something I can do, I do it well sometimes and even better at other times and sometimes I just stink because I can’t get past my writer’s block…which hasn’t been a problem these last three days but still…anyhoo sometimes I want to articulate how I’m feeling verbally and the words fail me and then when I turn to writing I become so conscious of what I’m saying that I feel the genuine heart behind it is lost and people are so taken up with the way I said it instead of what I said. Do you understand my dilemma???

Okay. So I have this awful habit of not communicating effectively or often enough. When I get comfortable enough with people I take for granted the fact that they know (or in my opinion should know) certain things and in so doing completely  forget that they are not mind-readers and then I tend to become irritated and then I move from irritation to indifference and I can stay there for a while. I’m working on this by the way. It’s quite horrible though, I actually used to start everyone out with an “A” each time they did something shady, sheisty, or suspect they would be lowered a grade and once they flunked out that was it I’d cut them off no qualms about it. Then I realized that wasn’t Christ like. And oh the conviction that set in!

And as much as people come to me for advice (which I’ll give to them when they ask) after a certain age I don’t offer it. My mentality is “This person is grown. They should know better. Right???” Wrong. The reality is sometimes they don’t.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong…like seriously…teach me…but I’m learning that the best friendships don’t necessarily mean that you see each other everyday or even talk to each other every day. And I’m not saying this is true for all friendships or even all my friendships. (Can someone please define friendship for me???) But I can’t help but think there should be a certain level of communication because real friends know what’s going on in each other’s lives right??? Ugh. I don’t know. All I know is You gotta have friends. So how do I make them? How do I keep them? How do I communicate effectively and often enough??? What is often enough? Should you be willing to fight for your friendships? Is every friendship worth fighting for?

And what about this whole issue of forgiveness??? Unconditional love is a part of friendship right??? So if a friend does cross you and hurt you to the core, of course you should forgive??? But can you, should you restore that friendship??? How would you feel if things were the other way around???

I’m sorry that this post seems to have more questions than answers but…I need to know. I want to be the best friend I can be because that’s part of being the best me I can be.

So..Who’s got my answer? Is it you?

Be a friend to me and teach me! If you dare…lol

Have a wonderful day pilgrims!

Grace.&.Peace

Teach Me

I’m not sure I understand what’s happening but over the last three days I have been blogging consistently.

For someone who is so pressed for time in most other areas I’m not sure how I’m managing to do it. I’m glad I am though. I think it’s given me the added stability I seem to be needing these days…

I’ve decided to add a new category this one is entitled: Teach Me

And it’s not about learning how to Douglas or Dougie (or whatever) either…although I still want to nail the catdaddy properly so my cousin will no longer be embarrassed when I break it down LOL…I digress…

Teach Me. It will be evident from the titles of the different posts which posts fall into this particular category.

Last night I did a lesson/learned in my small group about “Having A Teachable Spirit”

God has really been dealing with me on the subject of accountability and the importance of having a teachable spirit.

On October 4th, I was chatting it up with a dear Christian sister of mine on twitter (@jinxchrys, a lovely young lady living in Nigeria) and she made a reference to the movie Limitless which I had not seen (at that point), I was interested in the reference and wanted to know more about it so I said #teachme.

Her response to me was this: “‘Teach me’. simple but strong words. we def need to adopt more of that attitude @seespeakshare”

It didn’t register with me at that time but that was the seed from which GOD opened my eyes to what He was trying to get across to me.

Four days later I found myself opening up to people I had never really talked to before about what was really going on with my life. When I say “open up” I mean to say that these were conversations that went below the surface. They weren’t your everyday, normal “Hello.” “How are you?” “Fine.” “Good.” conversations, there was much more substance to it than that.

GOD dropped the word accountability into my spirit. Once again I took to twitter and wrote:

“Accountability is important to me. I need it more than ever…I’m not smart enough to do it by myself & even if I am, I’m not that proud!” (<- Here of course the word proud means filled with pride.)

…It’s so cliche of people to say that they like to try new things or that they’re a professional learner, “Oh, I hate school but I love learning.”

But how many of us really have a teachable spirit? One that is open to being held accountable which means being confronted, corrected, rebuked, trained, instructed…it requires putting pride aside, swallowing the insecurities that arise when you realize someone is better than you or more knowledgeable in a certain area.We should allow godly people to hold us accountable by the Word of God (see 2 Timothy 3:16).

The fact is everyone God has placed in our lives can teach us something and we have something we can teach them. How many learning opportunities have we missed out on that could aided in our journey to our destiny? All because we were too proud, or too afraid to ask or didn’t like the person enough or didn’t want to hear the message/lesson a certain way or just didn’t want to hear it at all???

We need to get over ourselves! As I said in my last post none of us have it all together. We will never be on GOD’s level. There will always be a deficit in the knowledge we have and can obtain. The sincere desire to learn is marked by an openness and willingness to be taught.

In 10 days I turn 22 (Countdown – lol). There’s still so much that I’d like to learn. I’m not being super deep here either. I’m talking simple things.

For example:

How to be a good friend

How to transition from love to being in love

How to commit to loving unconditionally while in love

How to make the food I cook look nice (presentation is everything)

How to do my hair (I don’t know what I’m doing. I did teach myself how to braid my own hair a few weeks ago go me!)

How to do my own eyebrows and makeup (not that I wear very much makeup but still I’m sure its good to know…)

How to fabulously represent my King daily (instead of bumming it every now and then…)

How to edit photos on my brother’s MacBook Pro (I’m not jealous or anything)

…and I could go on and on.

Sure there are plenty of things we can teach ourselves but we were made to be socially interactive. Why reinvent the wheel when your friends with Michelin or GoodYear??? I’m sure I could learn something wonderful from all of you lovely people and I pray that I have something to offer you.

I hope that any interaction we have, whether via internet or outside of the cyber world leaves you more equipped or at least more encouraged to continue on your own life’s journey.

Life’s a journey…one that’s meant to be shared.

Here I am. Teach me!

Loving you…

The Facts Ma’am Only the Facts

The Facts Ma'am Strictly the Facts

Fact: The past couple weeks have taken me on the worst emotional roller coaster ride ever. And the second to worst one happened this August. Kaiya left me September 24th and since then I break down crying at the most random times and I haven’t quite felt like myself. She was in my dream last night though. Visiting from heaven to let me know she was eating fried chicken. Sounds just like her.

Its been an emotionally draining second part of the year. Its October and I still have 2 more months left to go…

Speaking of October today is the 12th that means in 11 days I’ll be 22. Woohoo – right??? Eh, yeah, sure if by woohoo I mean being emotionally drained…however, I have developed some mental stamina at least in overcoming the indecisiveness I so often face when asked the annual question: “What do you want for your birthday?”
This year I know.
I want:
Money – gotta save
The Lion King
Money for shoes
A Pandora Bracelet
Money for clothes
A grill pan
…So I know what I want but…no one has asked the annual question yet. What gives??? lol

Fact: I’m a saint but I’m not perfect.

I don’t like accepting hype that’s unfounded. I am who I know I am…I’m not “She thinks who she is”. I’m definitely not cool. Never been labeled as that. I have been characterized as clumsy, goofy, sweet, innocent, naïve, brilliant, and frustrated. I’m very indecisive, especially when I’m hungry. I call my mood swings funks and I usually know when they’re coming on. People who know me will know too its usually all over my face.

I have a lot of insecurities and when I say a lot I mean a lot! I have insecurities about my body, about my personality, about how I handle all my relationships even about my spiritual gifts and talents. However, I’ve been learning to overcome them.

I have secrets…some that I’ll carry to my grave just because. I’ve been ostracized. I’ve been rejected. I’ve been heart broken. I’ve broken hearts. I’ve done some ugly things. I’ve had some ugly things done to me. And still GOD calls me beautiful and I am daily reminded that I’m accepted in the Beloved.

Fact: Romantic relationships confuse me, focusing on GOD brings clarity.

With twitter and facebook its easy to see the ins and outs as well as the ups and downs of people’s romantic relationships. Sometimes I find it quite annoying (like, I don’t care) but other times I find it entertaining. Either way I’m always baffled when one of my favorite couples call it quits after seeming so in love. I’ve learned that only the two people in the relationship really know what’s going on.

As for me I find it hard to articulate when it comes to matters of the heart. I need a lot of godly instruction and direction in that area. I’m not sure how important (or necessary) titles are outside of a marriage relationship. Should a woman be referred to as a shorty? Boo? Lady? Girlfriend? I don’t know. What would I want to be referred to as? :shrugs: I don’t know. I’m in it for fiance, wife-to-be, future wife, Wife. Wifey won’t cut it for me.

One thing I do know is that I don’t believe in wasting time. I don’t “play” hard to get, I AM hard to get and even harder to keep. Romance is nice but intelligent conversation is a must. Honesty and Integrity are key. A genuine friendship complete with frankness is crucial.

Kissing is fun but it can be messy. Sex outside of marriage is even messier!! GOD’s way is always the best way in every area, romantic relationships included.

Other than drug use and alcoholism I don’t know that I have very many deal breakers. Things I won’t compromise on are a love of God, a heart to please God, integrity, intelligence and a friendship. He may not be romantic but we at least got to have fun: trivia, dancing, movies, trips…

I’m beginning to think that the quality of time is more important to me than the quantity of time but I haven’t quite decided yet – lol.

I’m not pressed to be married…from what I’ve seen and heard its hard work. But I’m ready when God is. And honestly I’m looking forward to it for more reasons than one…:p

Fact: I’m graduating in two months. December.

That means I’m more reflective, contemplative and analytical than usual.
I’m looking forward to leaving Gainesville. I’m looking forward to a career path but only if and especially if it allows me to choose my own schedule. We’ll see what God has in store.

As if December couldn’t get any busier…there’s final exams, not to mention the actual graduation. Where are all these people going to stay? And what are we ALL going to do after the ceremony??? I’m not cooking! Then I have to be out of my apartment right after graduation. And of course all the birthdays in December…a few of my favorite people have birthdays in December…JESUS topping that list! A cousin, a super.dope homie from high school (December 3rd woop woop)…and one maybe two more.

It’s a lot going on in that last month! Goodness.
—
That’s all for now I suppose.
These are facts taken right out of the courses I teach on myself

Cara-Marie 301 – sign up today there’s also course 101 and 201, 401 is in the works

The point is…I don’t have it together, none of us do. We have more in common than we think and even where we differ it makes for spectacular reading.

Wishing each of you who took the time to visit a day as lovely as you are.

Grace.&.Peace

…D.A.

“This came out of nowehere it seems. Wassup with that??? It’s all dark and stuff. Ooh.”

She’s feeling real

Aggy on the avenue

In your face attitude as she waits for you

Click clack go her heels

As she pace for you

You looking for safety

She’s home base for you

But ten minutes ago today

She was game for something new

Change of scenery that deletes you

When she tells you

Beyonce. Denzel. Paula Patton. Deja-Vu.

Ha-ha-ha you want to laugh

But don’t want to risk her turning into psycho-path

So you step back reword it

Rework you’re ha into a

“Ha-have you lost your mind

You really want to do this same jig another time

You really want to stop moving forward

Pause

And press rewind

Like you came from a vinepress drunk off wine

If you want to leave, leave don’t waste my time”

…and the two of you ride home in silence

Pictures in her mind of violence

You’re the driver. You got the key. You’re in control

Licensed.

She looks so good all those shades of red

Vibrant

Visions of sugarplum fairies dance in your head

Blinded

You don’t see what hits you as you’re climbing up the steps

You don’t see what hits you but you’re running to the bed

Quick! Look!

Behind you

The lost little girl who’s now trying to find you

Put the end to her misery

That you were so kind to

Introduce her to – the misery she lost her mind to

Beating

Bleeding

Crying Too

She was your punching bag

Now you really mad

Because you didn’t expect her to fight back

The same way they didn’t expect me to write that

Same way you introduced her to drugs like “Try that”

Same way you used her like rug “doormat”

But this my touche

Take that

Because domestic abuse is never okay

Pay back

And you can give me back my change

I’m almost not sad your life ended this way

Fades to black

Why Shakespeare Says I’m a FooL

“Feste (The fool): Good madonna, why mournest thou?

Olivia (princess figure): Good fool, for my brother’s death.

Feste: I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Olivia: I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Feste: The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentleman [pointing to Olivia].” -from Shakespeare’s play Twelfth Night, Act and Scene 1.5, lines 57-62

According to this quote from Twelfth Night, Shakespeare thinks I’m the real fool.

 

Because in real life, at least for today, in this moment I am the Olivia character. In Twelfth Night, Olivia seems to be in perpetual mourning, even refusing the many suitors who come seeking her hand in marriage, because of her brother’s death. At this point in the play Olivia has decided she wants to fire her clown/jester Feste but Feste asks to prove himself useful to her and in so doing he promises to prove that he is not the real fool.

Feste calls Olivia the real fool because she is mourning a dead brother that she knows to be in heaven. Feste basically says “Then why are you STILL mourning??? You know where he is!! He’s better off there right??? How foolish of you!! Behold, you are the true fool.”

And yet, here I am…two Saturdays ago, my little sister Kaiya Castillo passed away.

I’m not quite sure how long Olivia was mourning but basically she refused to go on with life, perhaps she felt that way out of some deep desire to prove her love and devotion to her brother, I don’t know (I need to finish the play it’s actually on a midterm I’ll be taking on Monday).

Anyway – I feel like Olivia. I still can’t come to grips with Kaiya’s passing. And yes I know she’s in heaven and it may seem silly but I want her back. Of course, that’s selfish of me but it is the truth. I feel like I’m on strike with life. I have no drive to do much of anything because in the back of my mind I’m thinking “What does it really matter???” And what’s crazy is life is still going on and people are still looking to me to participate but emotionally and mentally I’m checked out. That also means that spiritually I’m not all there. Have I been praying? Yes. Reading my Bible? Yes. Hearing from God? Yes. But really allowing God to speak??? No.

Why? Because I’m afraid of what HE will say. I don’t want to hear “Move on with your life because you need to do this, this and that” I’m not quite ready to hear that yet. And that is so wrong, I know. The worst part, is this nagging feeling that HE wouldn’t even say something like that…I know HE’s here for me and being patient with me but that makes me feel ashamed. The GOD of the universe is waiting on me to finish grieving. Even that statement is giving myself too much credit. GOD waits for no man. HE’s sovereign and HE doesn’t need me but I also know HE is going to use me for His glory because, of course, that’s what I was created for. Even in these past two weeks I’ve seen him working in different areas of my life giving me favor, I really don’t deserve with people and places I wasn’t even expecting, especially not right now. I am grateful but I’m not sure I’m appreciating it all as much as I should because part of me is still like “What’s the point???” :shrug:

I promised Kaiya I would live, be happy and love but today especially its proving to be difficult to do. I’m not sure what the appropriate allotted time for mourning and grieving is, especially for someone you know has gone to heaven. I suppose I’m writing this as my medicine, perhaps this along with the word of GOD and prayer will be the jolt I need to jump start me so that I can once again be an active participant in life. That I would embrace each moment and truly live a life that is submitted to GOD and truly grateful for all HE has done.

I’m so glad GOD is patient! I’m glad that HE knows my name and HE knows my frame – HE remembers that I’m nothing but dust and dust doesn’t have it all together all the time. I don’t want to be a fool. I want to be wise because my BIBLE tells me that the wise man builds his house upon the ROCK and JESUS is my rock of salvation. HE’s been my anchor in all this. I just need to hold closer to His hand and depend on His strength now more than ever and now just to get through this tough time but for the rest of my life so that I can go from faith to faith and glory to glory in Him and with Him.

I suggest you do the same. Because the truth is we all need JESUS.

Grace and Peace.

A Letter to Kaiya

Dear Kaiya,

I have so much to say to you and yet I don’t know what to say all at the same time. So where do I begin???

Look at all the people you’ve brought here!! Look at all of the people who have come because their lives have been touched or influenced by you! You’re amazing!!

Kaiya you are my sister – even if we were blood we couldn’t have been closer. The hardest part is the missing…its missing you…its knowing that even with all the technology available to me I won’t be able to see you or hear your voice or hear from you and that’s what hurts the most. I can’t lace you with poetic verses because its hard enough getting all of this out muchless trying to make it creative and pretty.

Kaiya, I love you, and there’s no way I can put our bond into words. You were wise beyond your years and sometimes I’d forget who was older. I learned so much from you!!You taught me how to smile through adversity. You taught me that fragile bodies can house a fortified spirit. You taught me to breathe deeply, to laugh heartily and to love freely. Because of you I’m not afraid to live with my heart on my sleeve, because of you pain won’t keep me from living…it didn’t stop you!!

Part of me wonders if I showed you how much you meant to me, if we showed you how special you were to us, and if you understood the impact you’ve had on everyone who had a chance to meet you and even on those people who only knew of your struggle but never met you.

It’s no coincidence you were called a butterfly – a lot of people spend their lives hoping a butterfly will land on them. And when a butterfly finally lands on a person, the butterfly never stays for a long time. Kaiya, you were our butterfly. You graced this world with your presence for only a short time. All too quickly you had to fly away. Your spirit was so beautiful that it could not be contained in the fragile vessel you were given at birth. A butterfly’s beauty is unrivaled. Beauty must be shared. You were here for what seems like only a few brief seconds of eternity but we thank GOD that HE shared you with us for as long as HE did. I have to believe that it pained HIM to see you struggle daily, HE wanted you back with HIM pain-free. Free to dance without limitation. Free to laugh for as loud and as long as you want. Free to eat all the delicacies prepared for you there in heaven. What a party we missed out on!!

We miss you, but we thank you. Thank you for your amazing and shining example of what it means to be a heavenly citizen simply visiting earth. Thank You for being an amazing daughter to your mother Kisha, a great big sister to Sydni and a niece, cousin and best friend to so many. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving us enough to hold on all those times you wanted to give up. You are truly your mother’s daughter, never giving up because you were always thinking of your mother and Sydni.

I am blessed, I am honored to know you. And as much as it hurts I am relieved that you no longer lose sleep because you are plagued with the beeping, purrs, whirrs, and humming of machines that monitor your heart rate and breathing. No more unwanted prodding, poking, or tubes and procedures. No, you are completely surrounded by God’s glory, His angels, fellow citizens of heaven and love and assurance. The immortal body you have now requires no health insurance. No transplant. It is fully functional, freeing you to do all there is to do in heaven.

At only 17 years old you have left a legacy that most 70 year olds hope they will leave. The day I met you was a beautiful day in what can be an otherwise ugly world. You left this world a better place than you found it. You left me a better person than you found me. Because of your example I can, I will, find a way to laugh through the pain. I will breathe even when it hurts. I will show and wear my scars and bruises proudly, even if its only my heart that’s black and blue.

I’m not sure how much time I have left on this side of eternity but this is my promise to you – I will look after your mom and Sydni as best as I can, if and when I have children, they will know your name. And no matter where my life’s journey takes me, whether I am in the position to influence one or one million they will know who you are and hear of the way you came to influence me. You will never be forgotten. You are the epitome of a fighter. I will always carry your resilient spirit, your sweet face and your soft almond–shaped eyes with me. I have been touched, inspired and lifted because of the life you have lived and my time with you. Thank you for being courage, beauty, grace, bravery, brilliance and love personified. At 17 you knew what it really means to love –

Kaiya Janae Castillo – this is not goodbye. I’ll see you later…in eternity.

I love you!!

Love,

Car

Sisters. Foodies. Best Friends. I love you Kai!!