Fact: The past couple weeks have taken me on the worst emotional roller coaster ride ever. And the second to worst one happened this August. Kaiya left me September 24th and since then I break down crying at the most random times and I haven’t quite felt like myself. She was in my dream last night though. Visiting from heaven to let me know she was eating fried chicken. Sounds just like her.
Its been an emotionally draining second part of the year. Its October and I still have 2 more months left to go…
Speaking of October today is the 12th that means in 11 days I’ll be 22. Woohoo – right??? Eh, yeah, sure if by woohoo I mean being emotionally drained…however, I have developed some mental stamina at least in overcoming the indecisiveness I so often face when asked the annual question: “What do you want for your birthday?”
This year I know.
Money – gotta save
The Lion King
Money for shoes
A Pandora Bracelet
Money for clothes
A grill pan
…So I know what I want but…no one has asked the annual question yet. What gives??? lol
Fact: I’m a saint but I’m not perfect.
I don’t like accepting hype that’s unfounded. I am who I know I am…I’m not “She thinks who she is”. I’m definitely not cool. Never been labeled as that. I have been characterized as clumsy, goofy, sweet, innocent, naïve, brilliant, and frustrated. I’m very indecisive, especially when I’m hungry. I call my mood swings funks and I usually know when they’re coming on. People who know me will know too its usually all over my face.
I have a lot of insecurities and when I say a lot I mean a lot! I have insecurities about my body, about my personality, about how I handle all my relationships even about my spiritual gifts and talents. However, I’ve been learning to overcome them.
I have secrets…some that I’ll carry to my grave just because. I’ve been ostracized. I’ve been rejected. I’ve been heart broken. I’ve broken hearts. I’ve done some ugly things. I’ve had some ugly things done to me. And still GOD calls me beautiful and I am daily reminded that I’m accepted in the Beloved.
Fact: Romantic relationships confuse me, focusing on GOD brings clarity.
With twitter and facebook its easy to see the ins and outs as well as the ups and downs of people’s romantic relationships. Sometimes I find it quite annoying (like, I don’t care) but other times I find it entertaining. Either way I’m always baffled when one of my favorite couples call it quits after seeming so in love. I’ve learned that only the two people in the relationship really know what’s going on.
As for me I find it hard to articulate when it comes to matters of the heart. I need a lot of godly instruction and direction in that area. I’m not sure how important (or necessary) titles are outside of a marriage relationship. Should a woman be referred to as a shorty? Boo? Lady? Girlfriend? I don’t know. What would I want to be referred to as? :shrugs: I don’t know. I’m in it for fiance, wife-to-be, future wife, Wife. Wifey won’t cut it for me.
One thing I do know is that I don’t believe in wasting time. I don’t “play” hard to get, I AM hard to get and even harder to keep. Romance is nice but intelligent conversation is a must. Honesty and Integrity are key. A genuine friendship complete with frankness is crucial.
Kissing is fun but it can be messy. Sex outside of marriage is even messier!! GOD’s way is always the best way in every area, romantic relationships included.
Other than drug use and alcoholism I don’t know that I have very many deal breakers. Things I won’t compromise on are a love of God, a heart to please God, integrity, intelligence and a friendship. He may not be romantic but we at least got to have fun: trivia, dancing, movies, trips…
I’m beginning to think that the quality of time is more important to me than the quantity of time but I haven’t quite decided yet – lol.
I’m not pressed to be married…from what I’ve seen and heard its hard work. But I’m ready when God is. And honestly I’m looking forward to it for more reasons than one…:p
Fact: I’m graduating in two months. December.
That means I’m more reflective, contemplative and analytical than usual.
I’m looking forward to leaving Gainesville. I’m looking forward to a career path but only if and especially if it allows me to choose my own schedule. We’ll see what God has in store.
As if December couldn’t get any busier…there’s final exams, not to mention the actual graduation. Where are all these people going to stay? And what are we ALL going to do after the ceremony??? I’m not cooking! Then I have to be out of my apartment right after graduation. And of course all the birthdays in December…a few of my favorite people have birthdays in December…JESUS topping that list! A cousin, a super.dope homie from high school (December 3rd woop woop)…and one maybe two more.
It’s a lot going on in that last month! Goodness.
That’s all for now I suppose.
These are facts taken right out of the courses I teach on myself
Cara-Marie 301 – sign up today there’s also course 101 and 201, 401 is in the works
The point is…I don’t have it together, none of us do. We have more in common than we think and even where we differ it makes for spectacular reading.
Wishing each of you who took the time to visit a day as lovely as you are.