“Feste (The fool): Good madonna, why mournest thou?
Olivia (princess figure): Good fool, for my brother’s death.
Feste: I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
Olivia: I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Feste: The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentleman [pointing to Olivia].” -from Shakespeare’s play Twelfth Night, Act and Scene 1.5, lines 57-62
According to this quote from Twelfth Night, Shakespeare thinks I’m the real fool.
Because in real life, at least for today, in this moment I am the Olivia character. In Twelfth Night, Olivia seems to be in perpetual mourning, even refusing the many suitors who come seeking her hand in marriage, because of her brother’s death. At this point in the play Olivia has decided she wants to fire her clown/jester Feste but Feste asks to prove himself useful to her and in so doing he promises to prove that he is not the real fool.
Feste calls Olivia the real fool because she is mourning a dead brother that she knows to be in heaven. Feste basically says “Then why are you STILL mourning??? You know where he is!! He’s better off there right??? How foolish of you!! Behold, you are the true fool.”
And yet, here I am…two Saturdays ago, my little sister Kaiya Castillo passed away.
I’m not quite sure how long Olivia was mourning but basically she refused to go on with life, perhaps she felt that way out of some deep desire to prove her love and devotion to her brother, I don’t know (I need to finish the play it’s actually on a midterm I’ll be taking on Monday).
Anyway – I feel like Olivia. I still can’t come to grips with Kaiya’s passing. And yes I know she’s in heaven and it may seem silly but I want her back. Of course, that’s selfish of me but it is the truth. I feel like I’m on strike with life. I have no drive to do much of anything because in the back of my mind I’m thinking “What does it really matter???” And what’s crazy is life is still going on and people are still looking to me to participate but emotionally and mentally I’m checked out. That also means that spiritually I’m not all there. Have I been praying? Yes. Reading my Bible? Yes. Hearing from God? Yes. But really allowing God to speak??? No.
Why? Because I’m afraid of what HE will say. I don’t want to hear “Move on with your life because you need to do this, this and that” I’m not quite ready to hear that yet. And that is so wrong, I know. The worst part, is this nagging feeling that HE wouldn’t even say something like that…I know HE’s here for me and being patient with me but that makes me feel ashamed. The GOD of the universe is waiting on me to finish grieving. Even that statement is giving myself too much credit. GOD waits for no man. HE’s sovereign and HE doesn’t need me but I also know HE is going to use me for His glory because, of course, that’s what I was created for. Even in these past two weeks I’ve seen him working in different areas of my life giving me favor, I really don’t deserve with people and places I wasn’t even expecting, especially not right now. I am grateful but I’m not sure I’m appreciating it all as much as I should because part of me is still like “What’s the point???” :shrug:
I promised Kaiya I would live, be happy and love but today especially its proving to be difficult to do. I’m not sure what the appropriate allotted time for mourning and grieving is, especially for someone you know has gone to heaven. I suppose I’m writing this as my medicine, perhaps this along with the word of GOD and prayer will be the jolt I need to jump start me so that I can once again be an active participant in life. That I would embrace each moment and truly live a life that is submitted to GOD and truly grateful for all HE has done.
I’m so glad GOD is patient! I’m glad that HE knows my name and HE knows my frame – HE remembers that I’m nothing but dust and dust doesn’t have it all together all the time. I don’t want to be a fool. I want to be wise because my BIBLE tells me that the wise man builds his house upon the ROCK and JESUS is my rock of salvation. HE’s been my anchor in all this. I just need to hold closer to His hand and depend on His strength now more than ever and now just to get through this tough time but for the rest of my life so that I can go from faith to faith and glory to glory in Him and with Him.
I suggest you do the same. Because the truth is we all need JESUS.
Grace and Peace.