X-Ray Wednesdays: Living the Dream

Happy Wednesday!!

It’s a new dawn. It’s new day. It’s a new world for me.

…and I’m feeling Nina Simone good. :winks at you:

I’m going to be honest, I used to get annoyed when I asked people how they were and they replied with,

“Living the dream.”

My first thought would be,

‘Are you REALLY living the dream? Are you really living at the pinnacle of your life? If so, congratulations. But I’m so confused, you were just blanking and complaining to me yesterday.’

Whenever the question, ‘How are you?’ was posed to me, I never responded with, “Living the dream.” Because in my mind there was too much that I still wanted to achieve and to accomplish before that could be a true statement.

BUT I’ve changed my mind.

I AM Living the Dream.

And what is “the dream?”

Maybe there is no “the dream” because dreams differ from person to person. But then again maybe there is.

You might think it would be better to say ‘I’m living MY dream’ rather than ‘I’m living THE dream,’ but in my case that’s simply not true. The dream I’m living isn’t exactly mine. It’s not one my feeble mind could create. The dream I’m living is greater than what my own heart and mind can comprehend.  

Unfortunately, in American society “The Dream” is often associated with a fabulous lifestyle. “The Dream” is associated with ease and an absence of struggle. “The Dream” is supposedly the ability to buy whatever you want or go wherever you want freely; without having to worry about the confines of a budget or a price tag.

In American society “The Dream” is finally capturing the “riches” at the end of the paper chase. It’s amassing more cars, more stuff, more people to wait on you hand and foot, than you could ever ask for.

But is that truly “The Dream?”

And what about the” American dream?” 

Assuming “the American Dream” applies to all cultures and creeds, regardless of gender or racial identity. Is going to school, having a higher socio-economic status than my parents, working until I die (I mean “retire”), and “amassing” a spouse (or two), a few kids, a large house, luxury car, and a pet (or two) in the mean time, all there is to life? Really???

I’ve always had a problem with that. 

So then why do I say that I’m living the dream?

I’m living the dream because I’ve found joy and contentment.

Living the dream requires striking a certain balance. It requires the exact amount of ambition and contentment. While that may seem tricky, it can be done.

I am working daily to both strike and maintain that balance. I understand that –

My path is my own. I can. I will enjoy my journey.

5  Ways You Too Can “Live the Dream”

Be at home in your skin. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Accept and love yourself. I have learned to embrace every stretch mark, every scar, every kink and curl in my hair, and every other skin-deep “flaw” my insecurities found and at one time obsessed over. Our bodies are exactly that ours.   Your body, your temple, your home, your tent while here on earth so it is your responsibility to love it and take care of it.

Love. Have love. God is Love. John 3:16. Receive GOD’s love for you. Accept the love others freely give you and love everyone you come in contact with. I have embraced GOD’s love for me and I’m constantly learning how to empty myself so that I might be filled with His Love. I am able to love. The ability to love is a gift. By allowing GOD’s  love to fill me I can (and will) love those who are easy to love and those society deems unlovely. I’m married! I have found the greatest love adventure this side of heaven with Danny and daily working to make the most of it. Whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not, you can still make the most of the love found in your other relationships.

Have HOPE. The world is ugly and gloomy sometimes. But its also filled with indescribable beauty. To simply ignore the fact that world is falling apart is to be numb and desensitized to the evils around us. The key is remaining sensitive enough to be concerned and deeply affected.  Hope ignites the desire to be light; its believing that we can make a positive difference. To be so sensitive without hope would mean insanity and literally losing our mind.

Know your purpose and walk in it. Everyone asks themselves at some point or other what they should do with their life.  Unfortunately, not everyone takes the time out or puts in the effort to truly discover their purpose and so they end up settling. When it felt like I would never find my purpose I simply created one, “MY dream.” I had an elaborate life plan that blew up in my face. Finally, I turned to the manufacturer of All life, GOD, and I simply believed what He said. As a result I know that writing, and sharing, is something I was born to do, and so I do it. This blog and my commitment to it is a large part of that. But I have also found other ways to use my gift in writing and it’s even producing income. Is it full time yet? No. But the progress in that area proves that GOD has endorsed and authored it.

Use “The Struggle.” Learn to be thankful for every obstacle, every challenge, every disappointment, and every setback. When faced with difficult circumstances we have two options – give up or continue to push through and persevere. I have learned, and consequently chosen, to persevere. Perseverance exercises our inner strength and builds our character. There Is an END to every difficulty. I’m thankful that I’ve learned to embrace the tough times and thankful for the lessons and strength that result from “struggling.”

I write this not having achieved all there is to achieve or having accomplished all I will accomplish. I do not have a luxury car or even extravagant designer clothes and shoes. I do not have a house. BUT I am content. I have a place to lay my head and I’m continuing to make it a home with my husband.  I have clothes and shoes. I share a car with my husband. I love myself! :Kendrick Lamar voice: and I’m progressing in my purpose.

I AM Living the Dream. That doesn’t mean I won’t aspire to higher heights it simply means I can be grateful right where I am. 

Finally, I’ll share the first message Daniel and I got on our ask.fm

That matters so much!

What other ways do you think we can “live the dream” right where we are? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

There’s a song they sang in the church I grew up in that says,

“If I can help someone along the way, then my living will not be in vain.”

Let’s not live in vain and let’s not live vainly.

Sending you light,

-CN

Chat with Cara and Danny here: Ask Us Anything

For more ways to BE light and get involved with X-Ray Wednesdays click here. 

X-Ray Wednesdays: 5 Books Every Woman Should Read

Another Wednesday is upon us!

I hope yours is indeed a Happy one.

By reading the title of today’s post you’ll note that

This one goes out to all my – LADIES!! lol

But guys, you don’t have to tune out, you can benefit too. After all, “‘Tis the season of giving,” so consider gifting one of these books to that special lady in your life or maybe to the group of women you hold most dear.

Ladies, there’s a special grace to be acquired as it concerns investing in one’s self. As women, we often think of “treating ourselves,” as hair and nail appointments, retail therapy (no matter how major or minor the shopping spree), or indulging in our favorite meal and sometimes just ice cream! But there’s something special about a woman who values herself enough to invest in the parts of her that go unseen and yet wield the most strength and power: one’s spirit, one’s heart, one’s mind, and one’s skills & abilities.

There is a caveat to my saying these are books every woman should read, I recommend these 5 books to every woman who is married, engaged to be married or planning to be married one day.

1. The Bible 

It’s critical that this book top the list because even if you don’t believe that the Bible is “inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for showing people what is wrong in their lives, for correcting faults, and for teaching how to live right,” (2 Timothy 3:16) there’s still something to be said about the fact that it is still around and very relevant, even in today’s world. At the very least it’s worth investigating.

The worse thing that could happen? Your life changing for the better. If you approach the Bible with an open heart and mind, your life Will change.

There are feminism sects that have tried to discredit the relevance of the Bible to women by saying it was written by men for men and to keep women under the control of men, but that’s simply not true. The Bible details the stories of devoted wives and other heroines including Ruth, Esther, Deborah, and Mary.

Most women can appreciate a good love story, and there is no greater love story than the one found in the pages of the Bible. It’s the story of a Sovereign GOD so in love with His creation that He is willing to do anything to win them back to Himself.

Also, there is no better articulation of love than the definition given in 1 Corinthians 13.

The Bible is where we can find GOD’s original intent for His creation, both men and women, as well as marriage.

My suggestion? Find a version you can understand, like the New Century Version (NCV) or New Living Translation (NLT). For more on marriage, read Genesis 2, The book of Proverbs, Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5 and Hebrews 13.

If you are a believer, I recommend this because the insight found here is God-breathed and invaluable, as Charles Spurgeon said, “Visit many good books, but live in the Bible.”

2. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul

Captivating was written by husband and wife team John and Stasi Eldredge. This book changed my life because it changed my perspective about myself. My mentor in Kansas recommended it to me at a time when I called her in tears, on the brink of giving up on myself.

Why you should read this book – This book is beautifully written. Aside from a few pop culture references that you may not get, John and Stasi Eldredge do a wonderful job speaking to the heart of women. The book takes you on an unexpected journey. First it shines a bright light on a woman’s deepest desires, then it digs into your past bringing to the surface old hurts and disappointments that may not have fully healed. Finally, it frees you to forgive and gives you hope. This book says healing is possible, forgiveness is possible. If up until this point you have silenced your deepest desires and disqualified yourself because of your past, get ready to come face to face with your true self. This book reminds women that with all our struggles and imperfections, as an individual, we still have an irreplaceable role.

My suggestion? Pace yourself. Read only a chapter a day. At your core, you are a most delicate being. Even if you don’t believe that you will be challenged in the first few chapters and it can be rough. I found this book at a time when I was struggling in my emotions. I made myself numb to a lot of things and had deadened those emotional sensors that allowed me to feel both joy and pain. I was a wreck reading through this book. Chapter 4 is entitled “Wounded” and it explores the many negative messages women receive in childhood from wounds that they embrace and take with them into maturity. Chapter six is entitled “Healing the Wound.” This book is a soul searching journey worth taking.

3. Covenant Marriage

Covenant Marriage is written by relationship counselor, Gary Chapman.

Why you should read this book – Covenant Marriage does a great job of detailing the difference between a covenant and a contract. Most people get married with the hope that the marriage is for life and will last forever. Yet, in Western culture, there’s a 50% divorce rate. Covenants DO last forever. Contracts, however, can be broken. Too many people are entering marriage with a contract mindset, expecting a covenant outcome. Everyone who truly desires a lifelong, happy marriage deserves the security of a covenant marriage.

Highlights – Gary Chapman discusses the critical role communication plays in marriage. Chapter 6 helps you with identifying unhealthy patterns of communication. Chapter 7 talks about the different levels of communication and Chapter 10 talks about the art of self-revelation. All very practical and insightful.

4. The 5 Love Languages 

The 5 Love Languages is another book written by Gary Chapman.

Why you should read this book – People express and receive love in different ways. Gary Chapman wrote this book on the premise that in general people interpret love through one of 5 ways: Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. If a person’s love language is quality time but they are only showered with gifts, they may be unhappy and even feel unloved because their primary language isn’t being spoken. It’s important that you be able to identify your significant other’s love language so that you can express your love for them in a way they can receive it. It’s also equally important for you to know your primary love language(s) so that you can articulate it to your mate, giving them an opportunity to express love in a way you can receive it.

Highlights – Chapter 10, Love is a choice. Love has been described as many things using a plethora of flowery adjectives seeking to capture its true essence, but the bottom line is love is a choice, (whether calculated or not). To get married is to say love is a choice you will make every day for the rest of your life. One clear memory I have of my wedding day is making this declaration to choose love every day, “in the presence or absence of romantic feelings,” (a line from our wedding vows). In chapter 10 Gary Chapman addresses the rebuttals of people who may say things like “My spouse’s love language is physical touch but I’ve never been the holding hands, hugging type of person.” Chapman’s response, “Love is a choice. Get over it. Love is about the other person. Not about you. Choose to be that person for your spouse.”

Find your love language now by taking the quiz here.

5. Created to be His Help Meet

Created to be His Help Meet is written by Debi Pearl. I received this book as a gift at my bridal shower from another young bride. I’m actually still in the process of reading it.

Why you should read this book – Debi Pearl has been married to her husband Michael for 43 years. That is quite an accomplishment, considering these days its not unheard of for people to separate 6 months after marriage or even murder their spouse 8 days in to the marriage. In this book, Debi issues a seemingly simple challenge to all wives, and would-be wives, “Trust God, no matter what. Or do it your way and see how that works for you.” In the event that as a married woman you wake up and discover you’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray…and who you thought was your husband is really a no-good, insensitive, jerk – Debi makes the case that you still have an obligation to that man as your husband because of your obligation to God and your role as help meet. God hasn’t changed his mind.

Highlights – In Chapter 1 Debi breaks down the term Help Meet, which originates from the book of Genesis (Genesis 2:18). Debi states again, and again, that women do have a choice in how good their marriage will be. Debi also publishes letters written by other women seeking her advice and publishes her response to them as well.  Mrs. Pearl is extremely frank and at times I wondered, “Is she allowed to say that?” Chapter 3 is entitled, “A Thankful Spirit.” I found that chapter particular challenging because essentially it says “You never have to have a bad day,” and that made me uncomfortable in the moment. However, I know that’s not far-fetched. Yes, difficult days will come and challenges will arise but I can choose to focus on them or focus on all the good in life.  Debi’s bottom-line “You can excuse yourself from responsibility by mentally assigning various excuses to your situation, or you can choose to believe GOD and become a 100% help meet regardless of anything that would stand in your way. Which will it be?” The entire book highlights practical ways to be a help meet, as originally intended, in a changing world.

These are my 5 recommendations.

What other book suggestions do you have for wives and would-be wives? Share your suggestions in the comments section.

Grace.&.Peace Pilgrims

-CN

For more ways to BE light and get involved with X-Ray Wednesdays click here. 

X-Ray Wednesdays: Let There Be Light!

Happy Wednesday pilgrims!!

December is upon us, in a most beautiful way…even with the ugly goings-on in the world. We still have sunshine. We still have light. We still have love. We still have hope.

In the beginning…

The beginning is important. Clichés have taught us, “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish,” but that can be misleading.

The start of a thing is always important.

Inherently we understand that, that’s why we celebrate birthdays or take the time to create blueprints for projects and plan courses of actions when we set goals. That’s why abortion is such a hotly debated topic.

While it is true  that how a thing starts doesn’t necessarily determine how it ends, there is something to be learned from every beginning. 

Danny and I are in the beginning stages of our marriage.

This past Monday was our one-month anniversary. (Woot Woot! One month down a lifetime to go!) We celebrated by watching our wedding video for the first time and eating leftover cake. It was good for us. It was a nice transition from the Thanksgiving holiday to the new month of December.

On the Menu: Salad, Oxtail, Rice and Peas, Sweet Potato casserole, Chicken Broccoli & Cornbread casserole, Corn, Stuffing, Mac & Cheese, Rolls, Turkey Breast, and Homemade Sweet Potato Pie.

We did a lot of nesting over the Thanksgiving weekend. I was busy in the kitchen making a Thanksgiving feast fit for my king. And Danny was hard at work running errands, rearranging furniture and mounting our new TV. The highlight of the weekend was sitting together to eat at our two-week-old table and being able to share our Thanksgiving meal with others.

…If you’re a runner, at the outset of a race, its considered a “best practice” to set a pace based on the length of the course. By setting a pace you safeguard against fatigue and dropping out of the race before finishing. This first month, Danny and I were intentional with our actions and with troubleshooting any wrinkles or kinks that surfaced. We understand that if we begin the right way and commit the lessons we’re learning to memory we can continue the course to a lifelong happy marriage –

‘Til Dust Do Us Part.

When GOD created the world, the first thing HE said was “Let there be light,” (Genesis 1:3). Remember, every beginning, every start is important, and creation began with light.

To this day, Light is the most potent form of energy known to man. Obviously light is good for us, without it, mankind wouldn’t be able to survive. With light humankind has the ability to see, to grow food and to cook food. With light humankind has invented all kinds of technology, and even created bombs that have leveled entire cities. Light is powerful.

And when light is contained, focused, and directed inwardly, it can show us what’s inside of us. We call that an X-Ray.

Knowing what’s going on inside of us and being able to honestly verbalize it to another, is part of good communication which leads to true intimacy.

Intimacy is a large part of our lives, single or married. Unfortunately in this culture we often box intimacy in and label it “sex.” But there’s so much more to it than that.

Good communication drives intimacy. However, in a society that often hides behind sarcasm, innuendos, subliminal or indirect messages and blatant lies, good communication often goes untouched and true intimacy undiscovered.

Danny and I are on a mission to change that beginning with ourselves and our marriage.  We want to be light by living in light. We believe everyone should have the chance to experience genuine intimacy. As humans we crave it. We were designed to have it.

So, let there be light!

Light in our homes.

Light in our interactions.

Light in our relationships.

Light in our hearts.

Darkness has its place too. But light is the most powerful of the two.

No matter how deep the darkness it can never drown  out even the smallest glimmer of light. 

Journey with us and become partners in light. We invite you to connect with us and hold us accountable. 

Share your stories and struggles with us in the areas of love,  good communication, intimacy, trust and interactions of light.

Make suggestions, what other areas and topics do you think we should explore.

Ask questions. Ask us anything. Ask us about our first year of marriage. Or ask us what we think about certain aspects of intimacy, trust, forgiveness, good communication, love, etc. Ask away.

To have your story featured or to have your questions answered on this segment we’ve entitled

“X-Ray Wednesdays: Living in the Light”

Email Danny and I at:

1livinginthelight@gmail.com

If you want the option to ask probing questions anonymously  do it here:

http://ask.fm/Living_in_the_Light

On youtube watch us here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQgdrttd-1qA0o_bQrs4PQw

Our short video series “Findlays’ First Year” about the adventures in our first year of marriage will air the last Wednesday of every month.

What are we waiting for? (And when I say WE I’m talking about YOU too!)

Let’s BE Light,

-CN

***Please be Advised all submissions and X-Ray Wednesdays features are subject to the final approval of Danny and Cara . All stories will be shared in such a way as to ensure that the integrity of this blog is not compromised. Submissions and questions will be subject to the honest and candid commentary that Danny and Cara are known for. Trust between those who make submissions, readers and writers (Danny and Cara) will be maintained.***

Wedding Wednesdays: The Hyde…Out.

 “I knew myself, at the first breath of this new life, to be more wicked, tenfold more wicked, sold a slave to my original evil; and the thought, in that moment, braced and delighted me like wine.”

-Dr. Jekyll

Such an intriguing story! The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, that is. Dr. Jekyll was a reputable professor who became consumed with the contrasting elements of good and evil. Jekyll concocts a potion that is intended to bring out the good in him. This potion was designed to maximize his potential for good and put his benevolent characteristics on display.

But the morality serum had a reverse effect.

It did the complete opposite, transforming the doctor into a menacing brut know as Mr. Hyde.

Hyde is villainous, he is the antithesis of everything good and he represents the bad that lives inside or Dr. Jekyll. However, although Hyde is wicked and his intentions criminal, the doctor feels liberated when his evil alter ego is in control.

He feels free when trapping his victims; he comes alive as a ravenous murderer.

Twisted isn’t it?

I wonder if Dr. Jekyll’s identity crisis still permeates today…

In fact, it does!

We all posses the capacity to be moral or immoral, good or evil, Jekyll or Hyde. For the majority of my life I roamed the streets as Mr. Hyde, preying on women and anyone I deemed weaker than me.

Mr. Hyde is the external expression of an internal deficiency.

We can call it the flesh or our human nature, but Hyde is easily summed up as the result of our degenerate way of thinking.

When our minds have not been changed by the power of God’s word, being impressed upon by popular trends and the status quo is inevitable. This way of thinking is characterized by violence and lust, greed and selfish ambition.

My view of a husband was created with this thinking.

I thought that a “good husband” was corny.

He was always chipper and pleasant.

He was a yes man and his wife wore the pants.

He was happy and singing and prancing…[in short,]

He was Wayne Brady.

 

Yes, that’s what I thought;

Wayne Brady was my image of a “good” husband.

I thought, “How stupid is that? That’s not me, I’m not that guy and I don’t ever want to be!”

The sad but true realities of young black men [in America] may have had a hand in shaping my view of a good husband.

Many of my childhood friends and I hail from dysfunctional matriarchal households. That’s no knock against single mothers, but if we’re honest we would agree that its not God’s intent for the family. Because of this incomplete upbringing, my view of certain things, namely a good husband, was just as incomplete. And even more than that, it was twisted.

What I saw as chipper and pleasant was really JOY.

What I demonized as a yes man was really a PROVIDER.

His wife doesn’t wear the pants, he TEACHES her submission by submitting to her first.

He is not Wayne Brady,

he is not corny or lame,

he is CHRIST.

“Girl I love you like Christ loves the church”

…Probably the weakest line that has ever been quoted, but its derived from one of the strongest marital teachings in all of scripture. Paul instructed husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church to the extent of giving up his life for the purpose of her holiness, to cleanse her and make her presentable. Then he says again, love your wives as you as love your own bodies. [Ephesians 5:21-33]

Did you eat? If so, why is she hungry?

Do you have on lotion? If so, why is she ashy?

By following Paul’s instruction I can be certain that both the spiritual and natural needs of my wife are met.

Dr. Jekyll soon discovered that his evil counterpart was not the split personality that he first assumed it was. He realized that Mr. Hyde wasn’t a person he became when the moon was full; rather it was who he already was even in the daytime. Hyde was simply an external expression of an internal deficiency.

Similarly, we don’t sin because all the stars are aligned and there was no way of avoiding this inevitable pit fall. We sin because our way of thinking says its okay. Even when your conviction is SCREAMING at you to run in the opposite direction this way of thinking finds an excuse to override it.

This way of thinking is what nudged me to critique a good husband rather than learn how to be one.

It’s extremely poisonous to have an unchanged degenerate way of thinking.

What kind if person thinks murder is good or compassion is weak?

Who can say that mistreating your wife is admirable?

“They don’t make no award for that!”

Isn’t it better to LOVE than to hate,

to FORGIVE than condemn,

to UNDERSTAND than be understood?

In marriage it is.

In 3 days, Cara and I will enter into a life-long covenant and one of the things I’m most thankful for are high-ceilings. Naturally you’re thinking of decadent living rooms and chandeliers but I’m speaking of potential, the headroom necessary for growth. Growth to escape that which we thought was liberating but is actually entangling and growth to carry the mantle of a leader.

Hyde was a sickness similar to a severe heart condition. And just like any heart condition, without proper monitoring, it can return.

The best EKG is walking with The Lord daily in humility.

I pray that your mind would be renewed, your twisted views straightened out, and that there would be nothing Hyde-ing in your heart.

D.F.

 

Wedding Wednesdays: Practicing. Private.

Here we are…

On another Wednesday. I hope everyone is having a spectacular day!

And if you’re struggling with that any at all, here’s a helpful hint – spectacular days start with grateful hearts, positive attitudes and “accurate” perceptions (seeing life as GOD sees life).

Here’s an Update on Our Planning Process:

Our invitations are finally, FINALLY done and have been sent out and people have started receiving them. FINALLY Done! It was such a task! Collecting all the addresses, making sure the addresses were correct and that no information was missing …AND I didn’t even do any of the really hard work – printing, stuffing pockets and envelopes, going to the post office to mail them off…but still, lol.

**One thing I’ve learned is that procrastination has been kind to me when it only affected me alone. Obviously, now that I’m getting married, my procrastination no longer affects only me and it’s affected a lot of others who have been helpful in this planning process (My bad! Truly), so I’m hoping I’ve learned my lesson there, lol.** 

The invitations came out beautifully! Danny and I couldn’t be happier.

Special thanks to our designer Yohanna Reis.

Now that the invitations are out – the REAL fun starts – receiving RSVPs and working on the seating plan.

In addition to that I still have to figure out a few technical details for our centerpieces, which are simple (on purpose) and makes the technical part all the more strange. But, whatever, its necessary.

We also met with the ministers (our premarital class facilitators who are also) officiating the ceremony and we’re excited about what we have planned.

THE MOMENT ALL BRIDES LOOK FOR

“Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this…” – Kelly Clarkson

**For the record, I am a Kelly Clarkson fan, that is, I thoroughly enjoy the music she makes. #RockOn! #IDigress #MovingOn**

SO I’m going to be honest…

Up until the moment I saw the finished invitation, I didn’t really have the “Oh my gosh I’m marrying the love of my life!” moment.

Even when I was trying on dresses,  it all seemed so foreign to me.

The closer I get to the wedding day, the more I lean and include Danny in all the planning and the more I text my sister every wedding thought I have when it hits the more I have felt like a bride.

But yesterday my moment came. When I saw the completed package and held the invitation with our names and saw my name, my dad’s name,  and Danny’s father’s name – I was overcome with happiness, my eyes welled with tears…

“I’M GETTING MARRIED!” 

And yes, the marriage is way more important than the wedding. And again, let me be honest here: I have struggled with having a wedding. One minute I was at peace with the idea and other times I felt like it was more trouble than it was worth.

But GOD has totally changed my perspective on that.

This wedding is a BIG deal!

To our families? Yes. 

But even more so because of what it means to me…

This wedding is the  tangible reality of a promise GOD made to me six years ago. Even beyond that, GOD is using this wedding to show Himself strong to my parents, reminding them of where they started and the position HE has placed them in now.

When GOD brought that to my attention, and I REALLY understood it, I looked at this wedding, at this entire process in a very different light.

Sure…it’s about Daniel and I coming together but that  wouldn’t have been possible without

The Orchestrator of it all,

The ONE

Who thought of me,

Danny,

Our families

Before

HE laid the foundations of the earth.

This wedding is about GOD being GOD in my life, in Danny’s life, in the lives of our families…and I’m so thankful for the people who will be able to celebrate and witness this next step with us. 

Which brings me to my next and final points.

Practicing. Private.

One thing that was emphasized in our pre-marital class was having a plan in place (for conflict, for dealing with money, etc.) and practicing those principles even before you say I do. Sometimes practice comes in the form of actions , like in the middle of a misunderstanding, and sometimes practice comes in the form of discussion, like planning out a budget. for your family.

One area I’ve needed practice is in handling conflict and putting right thinking into action (not just knowing the correct thing but actually doing what I know to be correct).

Other areas people can practice are speaking highly of your spouse-to-be and never speaking ill of your spouse-to-be. That goes for men and women but particularly to us as ladies, because we can get overly emotional and have the “need” to “vent” – I spoke about that more in detail in last week’s post (Bridesmaids).

Marriage is a private, intimate, and sacred thing instituted by GOD. 

In a world where so much of our lives seem lived for the sole purpose of sharing it on Social Media it’s good to have this reminder – that some moments are so intimate, so special that they should be kept private and that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.

You don’t have to share everything with the rest of the world.

The day-to-day inner workings of your marriage should not be disclosed to other haphazardly. If you’re married we shouldn’t be able to tell that you and your spouse just had a disagreement because of your latest post. You don’t have to share every time your spouse surprises you with a gift just because.

Private moments aren’t just found in marriage they’re all around us. I had the opportunity to work with author Lana Reid and she truly is wonderful at what she does.  I loved what she said in this quote –

 

Don’t get me wrong, there is much insight that can be gleaned by others through our sharing  private moments with others. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have this blog. However, sometimes I think we share things prematurely and it can become a situation where we, intentionally or unintentionally, begin to rely on the attention and approval of others as a measuring stick for our happiness. 

I just wonder…if Social Media existed during Bible times would David have taken a selfie right after he had been anointed by Samuel to be the next King of Israel? David didn’t become King until years later.

What if David would have taken a selfie and posted it on Instagram like

Photo Source: http://biblefilms.blogspot.com/2014_01_01_archive.html

#anointed #nextKingofIsrael #SaulImcomingforya #bowdown – how would we feel about him today?

People, especially loyal servants of King Saul, would probably leave comments like #boystop #pumpyourbrakes and maybe even death threats (since apparently you can use social media for that kind of thing). 

Photo Source: http://www.laywhispers.com

My point is, before David became King he had to go through a process – an intimate and private process with GOD. Yes, we can read about it now and it resonates with us and it’s because David went through that process the right way. David didn’t seek to promote himself, he waited on GOD to do the promotion.

If GOD has given you something precious, be it a marriage, a child, a goal, a book idea, anything – be careful of sharing prematurely and attempting to make it happen according to your time. Check your motives for sharing. You don’t have to cause a ruckus just to inform the world of your next move…just make it.  

And remember-

Every good and perfect gift comes from GOD (James 1:17)

Promotion comes from GOD (Psalm 75: 6-7)

And Your Father who sees what is done in private will reward you openly (Matthew 6:4, 6, 18)

And when GOD rewards you openly, you don’t have to hide it….

Go ahead share that thing ALL Over social media – lol

Just remember to tell the whole story – the days you were discouraged, the tears you may have shed along the way, the times you may have failed and yet GOD remained true to His Word.

It’s Practicing. Private. and ultimately Sharing –

The right way. 

Wishing you wisdom, courage, love and peace along your journey,

-CN

Wedding Wednesdays: If I Show You I Love You…

Happy Wednesday Pilgrims!!

It’s been a while, two weeks to be exact, but it feels like forever and I feel a little rusty.

First let me say THANK YOU!! for the overwhelming response to my last post. There was an outpour of positive comments and I truly enjoyed reading them.

With 58 days left to go until our November wedding date, wedding planning has moved into the “short-term plans” category. So while we’re still working on putting the finishing touches on wedding plans, Danny and I are also working on different projects that fall just outside of those immediate plans.

As far as wedding planning goes all the major components are in place. Now the challenge for me is keeping track of all the little things that need to be checked off before the week of –

Accessories/Make-Up

Deciding How I’m Wearing My Hair #thetransitioningstruggle

Gifts

Little (or not so little) things like that. Lol.

Yesterday we met with the caterer to finalize and sign the contract.

(I can’t wait for AFTER the wedding to do a complete write-up on our caterer. Her food is amazing!)

Everything went well and while there we were part of a really good discussion on love and marriage.

As always Danny brought the Truth.

TRUTH: If I Show You I Love You…

During the discussion we had at the restaurant, it was said that living together before getting married is a good idea because then you really get to know a person. And by living together first you can decide if this is someone you can really see yourself spending the rest of your life with.

Why? In living together you may find out that a person is messy (or possesses a number of other traits that makes you crazy) and decide that you don’t want to put up with that for the rest of your life. Because more often than not, people don’t change.

But that’s not true. People CAN change. And living together before can be a faux form of commitment –

“I love you enough to live with you but if I find you’re imperfect (which more than likely I will because we will be in such close proximity) I have every right to break this temporary living arrangement and go out and find someone else that pleases me more. And whoever ends up pleasing me best is, perhaps, the one I’ll marry.”

If your “love” is about what pleases you best then let me help you, it isn’t love.

Love is others-centered. It focuses on pleasing others before pleasing itself. And it seeks to do this regardless of a person’s imperfections.

Of course during the course of this conversation Danny speaks up. Danny, refusing to keep quiet about his personal convictions and the Truth he knows, shared this –

Love is not based on someone else’s actions, love is a choice.

It doesn’t take living together, and shouldn’t take living together, before marriage to know that when you CHOOSE to marry someone, you have decided to love them regardless of their shortcomings or bad habits.

Everyone of us is flawed.

But

If I Show You I Love You

You also have a choice –

Believe me. Accept it. Embrace it. 

Or Reject it.

But understand that –

LOVE is a CHOICE.

To bestow love is a choice.

And to accept love is a choice.

And when two people decide to get married they are choosing FOREVER to both bestow love and to accept love.

That is something I’ve really been sitting with for the past couple of weeks.

I think this engagement period has been some of the most sobering times in my 11 year friendship with Danny.

Sometimes I have found it easier to bestow love and harder to accept the love shown to me. Other times its been the other way around – difficult to bestow and easy to accept.

(Sometimes the reality of this “love” thing Danny and I were creating scared me. At our best its paradise, at our work (yes work not worse) we put on our construction hats and he takes the lead. :Cue Lauryn Hill’s Can’t Take My Eyes Off You:)

I’m sure a large part of marriage is working to maintain that delicate balance of bestowing and accepting love.

“But how do people know if they’re making the right choice?”

It’s not so much about your “choice” being right, it’s more about making the choice the right way. Or as the saying goes, “It’s not about finding the right person, it’s about becoming the right person.”

Dating and Courtship is the time you use to investigate not only the other person but yourself. It’s a time to be yourself, reveal yourself, develop a solid friendship with the other person and discover if together you two have what it takes to be life partners. It’s this information that should be considered when making the choice.

Choosing to love based on the physical alone or because the other person does something for you may leave you empty in the long run.

Sometimes I think we forget how potent and all-encompassing love really is. 

1 Peter 4:8 NIV says “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

LOVE covers sins?

It’s one thing to say we accept the annoying habits of our significant other but what happens when they’ve sinned against us? When they’ve hurt us deeply? Or when they do something we would never expect? Yes, that too, love can cover…if we’re willing to follow through on our choice.  It takes work.

I think if we really understood 1 Peter 4:8 our relationships would be transformed: Marriages, Parent-child relationships, friendships, how we related to strangers, all of that would change.

If I Show You I Love You

You would not need me to say it because you would be so overwhelmed with the reality of it all doubt would be driven away. ( 1 John 4:18 NIV There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.)

If I Show You I Love You

It should look like this:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NASB

“⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ^7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

To my displayers of love –

My Heavenly Father and Danny –

Thank you.

May we make Real LOVE the focal point of our weddings, our marriages and our lives!

Grace. &. Peace,

-CN

 

Wedding Wednesdays: Why I’m Taking My Fiancé’s Last Name

Last Week’s Wedding Wednesday Poll Result

What do Brides obsess over in anticipation for their dress on the Wedding Day? 42.86% of voters said Overall Weight. There was a two-way tie at 28.57% between Arms and Stomach. There were no votes for Butt and Legs. I agree. I think most brides obsess over their overall weight and when it comes to specific body parts Arms and Stomach tend to rise to the top of that list.

What’s In A Name:

Why I’m Taking My Fiance’s Last Name

“I’m tired of the fast lane. I want you to have my last name.” – Common, Come Close

“Funny thing about that is, I was ready to give you my name.” – Justin Timberlake, What Goes Around 

It’s a growing trend in American society for women who are getting married to Not take their husband’s last name. While ultimately it is a matter of preference and a personal choice to be made and shared between you and your intended, I wanted to address my reasons for taking my fiancé’s last name.

My name is Not who I am. Recently I came across an article on Huffington Post entitled Why I’m Not Changing My Last Name for Marriage, the main reason the author gave for not changing her name is that her name is her identity, “…my name is who I am,” she said. For me that’s simply not the case. I would be who I am even if my name is different. Heck, I am who I am even when people mispronounce my name (Care-a instead of Cah-ra) or when I’m called by different nicknames (i.e. Taylor, CaraT, Car, CarCar, Carisha, Patsy,). My name is an identifier yes, but it is not the sum total of my identity. Shakespeare wrote, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet;” (Romeo and Juliet. Act II. Scene II. Lines 47 – 48.” Outkast would say “But lean a little bit closer, see that roses really smell like boo-boo(oo-oo)” LOL.

Divorce is Not an Option. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard that phrase used in our premarital class in the last three months. And it’s not just a nice phrase worth repeating but that gets tossed out the window when the realities of marriage hit. No. It is something that Danny and I have fully embraced and committed to. If we’re both individually seeking to please God and our first concern is serving the other person rather than being served then any obstacle we face can be overcome without the “D word” (divorce) being brought up.

“But people change,”

“But what if he…,”

“But what if you…,

“But, but, but!”

Bottom-line is Danny and I are refusing to set any parameters that would allow talk of divorce to come in to play, period. Reflective bride, the author of the article mentioned above, stated her article, “…but it would be naive not to realize that something like a third of western marriages end in divorce. Would I then change back to my birth name? And if I re-marry, do I change it again to the new husband’s name? What am I, a baseball card?” To be honest I don’t understand the baseball card reference but I’m guessing it would be the equivalent of a player switching teams? I digress. The statistic is actually 50% of first time marriages end in divorce, this includes Christian marriages. But saying divorce is not an option isn’t naive. It’s a choice. Just like love is a choice. Committing to marriage is a choice. Divorce is also a choice. A choice my fiancé and I have decided we refuse to consider.  With the support from our successfully married mentors along with the tools they have provided through our premarital class, Danny and I have soberly decided that divorce is not an option. Therefore thinking up situations where divorce is permitted or considering what would happen as far as name change is a waste of valuable time. When we say “‘Til death do us part” we’re going to mean it with our entire being.

 

Call me crazy. Call me old fashion. (Call me whatever you want because like I said earlier a name does not equal identity for me.) But I choose to go with God, meaning I choose to defer to His way. I choose to agree with His definition of marriage. Why?   

“As for God, His way is PERFECT: The LORD’s word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him.” – Psalm 18:30 (NIV)

Regardless of popular opinion, regardless of how man misconstrues God’s original intent and purpose I choose to reflect the heart of God for marriage in my own marriage. And what does God say about taking a man’s name? I found my answer in Genesis 2. 

Verse 18, “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 

Verse 29-20, “Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in he sky. HE brought them to the man to see what he [Adam] would name them and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.”

Verse 21-22 talk about the creation of the crowning jewel of creation – woman. Until she was created God said, it was not good, not complete, when up until verse 18 of chapter 2 God had declared every other day of creation good.

Verse 23, “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.’

Genesis 3:20 “Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.”

Adam named his wife.

In taking my fiancé’s last name, I’m allowing him to name me. The same way God  brought Eve to Adam (Genesis 2:22) is the name way God brought me into Danny’s life.

I’m allowing my fiancé to name me not because I’m ‘cattle that needs to be branded with my owner’s name’ but because I want to be unified with my husband as his helper.

To be clear the treatment of woman as cattle and/or property was not something that God instituted. It’s not the first time that man (because of sin in the world) twisted something beautiful, that flowed straight from the heart of God, into something ugly. Lord willing, I will freely give my husband my body not just for sex but to carry our children as well. In turn my husband will give me his name, his promise to provide and protect, and his promise to love me as Christ loves the church. My fiancé doesn’t have a heart of gold, he has a heart after God and I’ll take that, submit to that and align myself with that any day.

Genesis 2:24 “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” 

By taking my fiancé’s last name, I’m Not sacrificing my identity or losing my identity, I’m choosing to create an entirely new identity with him as we become One. 

And perhaps my favorite, most personal and most uncanny of all my reasons:

In my post “The Problem of a Renewed Mind” I shared a conversation I had with God where he called me a warrior. When I first shared the conversation with Danny he shook his head knowingly. A few days later Danny and I were in conversation and he asked me “Do you know what my middle and last name mean?” I had to think about it. I didn’t. I told myself I would look it up. I forgot to until about a week or so after he asked me that question. When I saw what his name meant I nearly fell out. His middle name means conquering and his last name means “Fair warrior.” Really though? Coincidence? I think not.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love and cherish what will soon be known as my maiden name. I’ve, I should say WE’VE, got big plans for that name. Before Danny, I truly could not have imagined having any other last name, my name is wonderfully complicated as it is. Still, taking Danny’s last name is a choice that I have made and it’s the only one that matters.

When we’re born we don’t get to choose our name. Our parents choose it for us. A woman who is getting married has an opportunity to not only choose a man to love for the rest of her life but to choose a new name for herself, a name that can be associated with the life long covenant of marriage that she is agreeing to and entering in.

Food for thought.

Peace & Blessings.

– CN

Wedding Wednesdays: Big Girl Panties

Last Week’s Wedding Wednesday Poll Results

“Cyndi Lauper honeys” Guess that Movie? 100% of voters were correct! Brown Sugar! I LOVE that movie. It’s by far my favorite Romantic Comedy ever. Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs are my favorite onscreen couple. I crack up every time I watch that movie. I think Mos Def was hilarious in that movie too!

How Many Bridesmaids Does Cara Naan Have? 50% of voters said 3 Bridesmaids and 50% of voters said 4 Bridesmaids not including Matron and/or Maid of Honor. Both those answers are incorrect. I actually have 5 bridesmaids. :puts hands over face: That’s a lot right!? I know! Lol.

How many years has the Bridal Party person who has known Cara Naan the longest known Cara Naan? 66.67% of voters said 20 years and 33.33% of voters said 12 years. 20 is the right answer! There’s a reason I call my Chief my sister, she adopted me as her little sister when I was like 5!

Big Girl Panties

Or An Ode to Mommy Dearest

 

A short lesson on the colloquialism Put on Your Big Girl Panties: Put on your big girl panties is a colorful way of saying ‘You’re acting like a child who hasn’t been potty-trained yet: time to grow up, act like an adult and do what needs to be done.’

I literally had to tell myself that yesterday morning.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday morning, in anticipation of having to run an errand associated with wedding planning by myself. I was ready to have a full-scale tantrum:

Ugh, I don’t want to plan a wedding. Daniel has to work, I don’t even want to go by myself. I want my mommy! It’s not fair that I have to be planning a wedding without my mom here with me every girl should have her mom with her…

Ultra dramatic bridezilla moment much? Definitely lol. In any case, that’s how I woke up. A very sour mood. But I quickly checked myself and did not give in to the tantrum that was trying to form inside of me. I told God “JK Daddy, this will be an awesome day. I can do this! I want this.”

I proceeded to do what most girls do when they want a quick pick-me-up.

During the months of January and February I focused the majority of, if not, all my reading and study on the life of Abraham [Genesis 12 to 23]. As I was driving out of my complex yesterday I wondered to myself if at any point on his journey Abraham missed the family that God had called him out from. I wondered if he was ever tempted by his feelings to turn around and go back home, after all he had no idea where he was going all he knew was that he was going with God. But I answered my own questions, even if Abraham FELT that way at some point on his journey it doesn’t matter. Why? Because he didn’t turn around.

That’s what Big Girl Panties mean to me. It’s being in a position where I manage my feelings. My feelings don’t direct me. This process has not been ideal for me. My mom and my bridesmaids all live out of town. Daniel and I have conflicting work schedules which makes it extremely difficult to run errands together. But all in all I’m learning that ideal or not I can handle it. I surprised myself yesterday with getting myself back on track. I didn’t need to vent to God and whine to Him. I was joyful and grateful and able to share that with Him instead of complaining.

To add the icing to the cake I spoke to my mother after running the errand.

At the time of our conversation I shared with her that it was clear there was yet another hurdle that we would have to be jump but I wasn’t worried about it.

Worried?

No.

Hungry and tired?

Yes.

Would I be doing anymore running and around to try and resolve that issue? No. Because if another tantrum was ready to form I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep it at bay on an empty stomach. There wasn’t much I could do then anyway so we both agreed going home and eating was the best move.

Growing up, those who know me best will say that I was a Daddy’s girl. That is true. I’m not ashamed, my Daddy still means the world to me. He was my first example of a good, loving and strong man!  But as I’ve grown into a woman, (Woman is such a strong word! LOL.) I’ve grown to appreciate my mother so much more than I did when I was a child! I always thought my mom was perfect, even when I was younger. Not perfect in the sense of having no flaws or doing no wrong but perfect in the sense of this ultra holy other. And as an imperfect tomboy who would rather be running around in baggy shorts than learning the ins and outs of keeping house in a dress, I resented that. We were constantly at odds, and though I didn’t know it, because she would always show us her strong side, I hurt her feelings as much as, if not more, than I thought she hurt mine. Still, she never let her hurt feelings detour her from teaching me the right way. Even in times when I have strayed whether in cooking regularly, or keeping a clean house or even godliness and self-control, it was never for a lack of teaching or a lack of an example on her part.

We still drive each other crazy sometimes but our relationship has blossomed beautifully, and we have a greater understanding and appreciation for one another thanks be to Our God who restores.

During this wedding planning process I talk to her often. She has great organizational skills, which I sometimes lack. She is a get-this-done-right-away woman whereas I still have some procrastinating ways about me. Smh. LOL. Long story short she definitely adds to the balance I need at this time by simply being in my corner. We haven’t gone wedding dress shopping yet but I can’t wait for that time!!

Anyhoo…I was sharing with her yesterday about my morning and how I woke up off balance but managed to regulate myself without having a tantrum. I told her about wishing she was there to help me…and you know what she said?

“You don’t need me. You can do this. You’re strong.”

You may not understand how monumental of a moment that was for me, so let me break it down. Like I said I always thought my mom was perfect. Of course there were times when she may have been wrong but one thing I can say is that I never witnessed her lie. She went on to tell me how much she believes in me and that’s why she’s so invested in this wedding and isn’t worried because she believes that God is in it and will work everything out. She told me that I amaze her! Oh my gosh just recalling that moment yesterday brings tears to my eyes…

I didn’t cry then because honestly I was in shock! Not at what she said as much as how and when it came out.

I think every woman, deep down inside, wants her mother, whether living or dead, to one day see her as a woman and also to be proud of her as a woman.

I can say that my best feminine qualities (compassion, a nurturing nature, house keeping, etc.) come from my mother’s teaching and her example even if and when those qualities were nurtured by other women around. I am me because of her. I’ve always known her to be strong, kind, and loving. I’ve seen her submit to her husband and allow him to lead her. Her example is a large part of the confidence I have in myself when it comes to marriage. I can do this. And to have her echo those same sentiments yesterday was everything!

 

10 Things I learned from my mommy:

Ultimately, Submitting to your husband is the equivalent of loving your husband.

• Respect him as the man of the house. Make decisions together but always recognize that he is not just the head but your head.
• Never discuss him in a negative way whether he is present or absence.
• Be strong but allow him to be there for you, never shut him out.
• When troubles arise, you may forgive and forget, your friends will not. The issues in your marriage are none of your friends business. The issues in your marriage are no one’s business except you and your husband and should not be shared with anyone not even parents and siblings unless there is a threat of physical danger or the issue is serious enough that the two of you decide together to seek help from an authorized outside source.
• You cannot run home to mommy and daddy every time there’s a problem. We love you but if you run to us we’ll wave from the window and tell you to go back and work it out.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. (That’s not even in the Bible but…lol…okay…)

• A clean house adds to a happy home. Need I say more?

Don’t be afraid to work hard for what you believe in.

• That road often requires sacrifice to achieve what you want.

Be a gracious hostess.

• A happy woman doesn’t mind entertaining guests and welcoming people into her home, announced or unannounced. (IDK about that unannounced bit but…I did get it.)

Invest in people without wanting anything in return because people are inherently valuable.

• My mother has been a Sunday School Teacher, a youth leader, a women’s ministry leader, a role-model, a surrogate mother, a friend and so many other different things to so many different people and she’s done it out of love never once expecting anything in return.
• She believes that all people are valuable and has always been willing to go the extra mile to spend extra time with those who are in need.
• She has always given her time, prayers, and money without looking for a return on investment.

Family First. 

• Once you’re a married woman, your husband and then your children when they come along become your number one priority.
• Career. Personal goals and achievements, even your closest family and friends come second to the preservation of the family unit.

If all you have is Hope and Faith you have more than enough.

• When things are dark and grim, you cannot give up. Let the hope you have in your heart and the faith you have in God be the fuel you need to push past the rut and keep going!
• Cry if you have to, scream if you must, crawl if you can’t walk but whatever you do, don’t quit!

“You’re not here for your good looks” 

And that’s a direct quote lol. Gotta love Jamaicans.

• Immediate Ramifications: You may think you’re pretty but you’re a part of this family so you better get these chores done! LOL.
• Real meaning: You weren’t created to be told you’re beautiful or to be admired simply for your beauty, you were created for a purpose. Do something meaningful with your life. Affect change, no matter how small it may seem.

Whatever you do, do it well.

• Whether it’s cleaning your bathroom, or working as a janitor. Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability and to the glory of God.

If you know God, know that it will all work out in the end.

• Since all that I meet, shall work for my good, the bitter is sweet, the medicine [is] food. Though painful at times, ‘twil cease before long, and oh how sweet the conqueror’s song. (A hymn that my mother would quote, often.)
• And we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
• Your bad days, your bitter disappointments, your failures, God uses those too and they are still all working together for your good.
• Jeremiah 29:11

Mommies are awesome! So, they may not Always know best, but they sure do know a lot and it comes out looking like the best Most of the time!!

I got my big girl panties on and I know I can handle whatever comes my way, thanks in LARGE part to the amazing example of my mommy dearest.

Mommy wow! I’m, a, wo-man now!

LOL

Share the love. Show your mom some appreciation, whether it’s a call, a hug, or honoring her memory with your thoughts – she’s worth it!

Good day to you pilgrims. Wishing you and super moms everywhere love and light!

-CN

#NaanButTheTruth

The Problem of a Renewed Mind

It’s a struggle to have a renewed mind-

Confession: I am prone to making excuses. Terrible I know. Ugh. Lord help me (and that’s truly one of my prayers).

Confession: I struggle in my thought life.

I got issues yo!

Oh, where are my manners??? I mean, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Woooo!! Its already Day 8! And we’re still here – Woop! Woop!

I know. I know. Some of you may be thinking ‘We’re only eight days in and already she wants to talk about problems!?!’

I know! :pained look:

And you know what, if you’re riding an ultra great high right now, then by all means skip over this post. It may not be for you.

This post is for those of us in the trenches. This is for those of us in the fight for our minds!

That Bible Verse You’ve Probably Heard Before

That Refers to Renewing the Mind

“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…” – Romans 12:2 KJV

Why do I have to renew my mind anyway?

Every word we speak, every act we commit, starts off as a thought in the mind How you think also affects how you feel.

Thankfully, there are some thoughts we know to shut down immediately and we never act or speak on them. But there are also other thoughts that we don’t think through completely and before we know it we have said or done something wrong and that we may even later regret, ‘It was the heat of the moment’ or ‘I didn’t mean to’. So, yeah, this “mind” thing is kind of a BIG deal.

‘So Cara Naan What’s Your Problem Yo?’

I mean where do I begin??? Lol.

Let me get straight to the point. All this hooplah we usually hear as we transition from one year to the next about New Year, New Me (or any other of the infinite versions that may come in), cannot be attained without a true change in thinking, a change in the mind itself. That’s why so many people fail at New Year’s Resolutions. The human will is only a facet of the mind and so it is not strong enough to overpower the general hardwiring of the mind.

I have had to admit to myself in recent days that I think wrong. (That was another confession in case you missed it.)

That was difficult for me. Why? Not because I haven’t admitted that to myself before but because this time I truly realized that I cannot simply will myself to think right. It’s going to take much more than that.

Here’s where another struggle of mine enters: My attitude towards God.

Sometimes I can have a pretty sucky attitude with the Creator of All. I argue with Him. I ignore Him and try to fix things on my own. Or like Jonah I simply run off into the opposite direction, and say, “Lord I don’t wanna. I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable. It’s difficult.” (see what I mean about excuses??? Jesus Help!) But also like Jonah and like David I just can’t seem to escape God, there’s no shaking Him. He’s always there in my face with mad love to give (understatement).

Today, after my set apart devotional time God decided He was not finished with me. And so while I was going about domestic duties, cleaning this, cooking that, God showed me what a problem wrong thinking posed for my relationship to Him. If He winked at my ignorance in the past, He sure wasn’t winking anymore…

Who’s Report Will You Believe? 

Think about yourself for a moment. Who are you? Your likes and your dislikes? Your imperfections? Do you make excuses for them and say things like “Well’s that’s just me,” or “I was born this way” or ‘I can’t help that I’m like that.’ 

For me one lie that had become so ingrained in my life was this:

“I’m a quitter by nature.”

Today, God was like “Stop thinking that!” 

Me: But God [here comes the excuse] that just points to Your work in my life all the more. That means [like I have to tell the Creator what something means, Oh Cara!] anything I have seen through to completion is because of You.

GOD: Stop thinking that! That’s a lie. One you’ve bought into. When I created you, I created a warrior.

:Grimaces: Now, normally this is the part where I try to tune Him out and secretly [but it’s not a secret to God so what’s my deal?] think “I’m not a warrior” or whine “But I don’t wanna be a warrior” but this was an opportunity to do the opposite of what I wanted and to change my way of thinking and acting regardless of how I felt. So I listened and I took it.

GOD: What is a comfort zone?

Me: A place where you’re most comfortable, most at home.

GOD: Wrong. A comfort zone is a lie you’ve made yourself at home in.

Whaaaaaa???

GOD: If I say I’ve created a warrior and you say you’re a quitter who needs Me, just to make it sound better and more acceptable to yourself and others, something is not right. Those two things are opposite. One is the truth and one is a lie. The lie did not come from Me, so who did it come from? Why would he make you think you’re a quitter? Because it’s in direct opposition to my original design. He hates you. Why would he want you to know who you really are? You have been blinded by the father of lies. He told you, you were a quitter, he used different experiences to convey that message to you and you bought into it. You believed it. It became ingrained in your thinking and so you owned being a quitter. You made it a part of your identity and so you acted like a quitter and it became second nature. When things got tough you ran away because that’s what a quitter would do.  But you are not a quitter!

:Pulls at my collar: Ummm a little help here? I’m on the hot seat!

GOD: A comfort zone is a lie people make themselves at home in and fear is what keeps them there. I call people to be in the background but no, they want to be in the spotlight because they’re “comfortable” in the spotlight. But it’s fear and pride at work in their life. They’re really afraid of not being known. They’re afraid of having to interact with people one-on-one, on a deeper level, instead of glazing over and having a shallow relationship with a large audience. I call you to the spotlight but no, you’re comfortable in the background. Why? Because you’re afraid of being seen. Afraid of being exposed. Afraid of failing when eyes are on you. Lies! All of it! It’s a fallen world. Sin has affected everything. Even logic has been manipulated by the enemy and cannot be trusted above my Word. So of course your comfort zone is in direct opposition with my purpose. Why are you surprised? The enemy wants you to feel comfortable there and to feel at home in your little comfort zone. Why, because then you won’t pose a threat!

😮

Yeap. Obviously at this point I’m dumbfounded. Definitely a Job moment. Like “Oop! I stand corrected, can I go run and hide now?”

But seriously, as children of God sometimes we walk around defeated because we’re thinking incorrectly. But How? Because we don’t realize that we are being lied to. The enemy’s goal is not to kill us. Because let’s face it, he doesn’t have that kind of power. He can’t kill who God has already determined will live. So his goal is to paralyze us, to keep us stagnant, to keep us thinking incorrectly and buying into lies that are the exact opposite of what God has said.

The crazy thing is, this is nothing new! He did it with Eve in the garden. God told Adam and Eve the day you eat the fruit of that tree (the tree of the knowledge of good and evil) you shall surely die. And what did the serpent tell Eve, “You shall not surely die.” The exact flippin’ opposite.

To disagree with God (the Creator of Everything, Seen and Unseen) on anything is to find ourselves in pride.  

To be arrogant, to worry, to be insecure, to be anxious, to feel inadequate, to disobey, to feel lonely, to believe we cannot change when God says we can, is to find ourselves in pride. And pride puts us at odds with the God of All. Probably not something you want to do, ijs.

Photo Credit: Andre Mayo on Flickr

If any thing about our lives is going to change then it has to start in our minds. We have to recognize the pride we may be in and those lies we have bought into (especially about ourselves) and fight against it!

We cannot simply toss that responsibility on God when His Word says that He has already empowered us through His Spirit to take charge and uproot what did not come from Him,

“We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning [logic] and to destroy false arguments [lies]. We destroy every proud obstacle [pride] that keeps people from knowing God. We capture rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

How can win the fight for our mind? Use those weapons of course!

Confess that we’re struggling. God knows that as fallible humans we have a hard time wrapping our minds around His infinite and infallible greatness. He’s supreme! And our understanding of Supreme is so limited!

Depend on God’s Word to expose the pride in our life and those lies we’ve believed. God’s Word is Truth and only Truth can directly combat those lies rooted in our heart and mind. Also, we need Truth to replace those lies once we have expelled them.

Fasting is a spiritual exercise that teaches us to discipline our bodies into obedience, it increases spiritual sensitivity and can remind us that we can exercise that same control over our mind as we do our bodies.

Prayer. God is not just leaving us on our own! He’s more than willing to assist and give us the strength we need through that two-way communication we as Christians like to call prayer.

Praise. In faith we can thank God for the change we are on the verge of experiencing in our mind. There’s nothing too hard for God. No matter how deeply ingrained the lie, no matter how strong the mental strong hold GOD can remove and destroy it! That’s something to celebrate!

Victory is Ours! Keeping Fighting!

(P.S. Dear Jesus, I need You!!) 

-CN 

I’m IN Love with You

It’s nice to hear the words “I love you”, Especially when we know they are heartfelt.

But there’s always that debate about the difference between loving someone and being “in” love with someone…

For one reason or another, hearing “I’m in love with you” tends to be a little more intimidating.

Especially if the person who says it is amazing and our own insecurities make us feel incapable of being loved in such a deep way.

God is in love with me.

He’s told me that. As if hearing it from a human wasn’t intimidating enough! God loving me? That’s a hard pill to swallow but easier to comprehend because He loves everybody!

But Him being in love with me? Is that even allowed?

His love for us, and in this case, me, extends beyond the love of family it’s more intimate – there’s a reason the Bible gives us metaphors about Jesus being the bridegroom and the church being His bride. He’s in love with us.

Consciously, most of us would say, that we would never “fall in love” with someone who is incapable of loving. (Although, many people still do that unconsciously.) We simply don’t have the patience for that. We may not be able to deal with being rejected by someone we’re in love with over and over and over again.

But God is in love with me. And I have been incapable of loving, truly loving, for a while because I had become numb to so many things. But even when I rejected Him, God continued to love me. He was patient with me. He refused to give up on me. He took a hold of my hand and told me that He will teach me how to love.

A wife should know the way to her husband’s heart. And a husband should know the way to His wife’s heart.

Jesus has made it clear that the way to His heart is by obeying His commandments (John 14:15).

Because He formed me, God knows the way to my heart.

I love food. No secret there. LOL. HE has been Jehovah Jireh – particularly with putting food on my table in times when I have no money for groceries or to buy something to eat.

GOD also knows that despite the hardened guise I have worn, despite my subtle cynicism, I am a hopeless romantic! Picnics in the park…etc. I eat that stuff up! But more than even that I love words…I love tangible words…I love, sweet little notes of love, whether in the form of a song or a letter or a text message or an email. I used to save every one that I got. The power in love letters is that they usually address some emotional need or desire for affirmation that I may or may not be aware of.

I’ve been experiencing a season of crushing in my life, so far it’s lasted about a month and a half. It’s really an emotionally volatile time. I have been out of practice as it concerns managing my emotions and so breaking down all these walls that I had built up has been an intimidating and daunting task. It’s draining. It’s exhausting. I’m often emotionally frayed and fatigued.

I have told God many times in the last month that I simply cannot handle this, that I don’t want to do this anymore, but He gives me His strength in those moments of honesty and I find myself able to get through another day.

Long story short. I’ve been reading the book of Jeremiah and I found a love letter addressed to me. It’s beautiful. And it addresses everything I’ve been experiencing in this season. And it’s from God. It goes as follows…

Dear Cara-Marie,

I’m in love with you. I know you feel like you don’t fit in anywhere. I know you feel like an outcast, a reject, a misfit. I know this process of opening old wounds to properly address them has been hard on you. But “I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal…because they have called you an outcast: ‘It is Cara; no one cares about her.'” (Jer. 30:17). I know that you wonder how I could love you even in those times when you rejected me but understand that “I have loved you with an EVERLASTING love [it does not end, it will not end]; therefore I have Continued my Faithfulness to you” (Jer. 31:3).

I knew you were hurt and sad long before you knew it, felt it, or acknowledged it. I know that you long to be truly happy once more and that’s why we have to go through such a painful process. A self-protective and hardened heart in trying to keep out pain and hurt also cripples its ability to truly experience love and joy. Sensitivity means working through the hurt and the pain. But this is my promise to you, I will turn your mourning into joy, I will comfort you, I will give you gladness for sorrow (Jer. 31:3). You will be satisfied with my treasures (Jer. 31:14). There is a reward for your work [for seeing this process through to the end] (Jer. 31:16). There is hope for your future (Jer. 31:17). I know this process can be draining. I know you can get fatigued. But “I will satisfy you when you are weary. I will replenish you when you faint” (Jer. 31:25). I know guilt tries to paralyze you. But I have forgiven you iniquity. I remember your sin no more (Jer. 31:34).

I’m here for you. I’m here with you. So “call to me and I will answer you and I will tell you great and hidden things you have not known” (Jer. 33:3). I know the process is painful. I know you feel raw and exposed. I am going to bring recovery and healing. I will heal you. I will reveal to you abundance of prosperity and security (Jer. 33:6). I know rediscovering how you were wired seems intimidating but “I will build you as you were [wired] at first” (Jer. 33:7). Do not let the past memories we’re working through hold you hostage in guilt. “I have cleansed you from all guilt. I have forgiven the guilt of your sin. I have forgiven your rebellion” (Jer. 33:8).

Cara-Marie, you will be to me a name of joy, a praise and a glory before all the world. And the world will hear of all the good I do for you and they will fear and tremble because of all the good and prosperity I provide for you (Jer. 33:9). I died for you. Then rose again so you could be with me. There isn’t anything I would not do for you.

I’m in love with you,

Jesus