Wedding Wednesdays: Big Girl Panties

Last Week’s Wedding Wednesday Poll Results

“Cyndi Lauper honeys” Guess that Movie? 100% of voters were correct! Brown Sugar! I LOVE that movie. It’s by far my favorite Romantic Comedy ever. Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs are my favorite onscreen couple. I crack up every time I watch that movie. I think Mos Def was hilarious in that movie too!

How Many Bridesmaids Does Cara Naan Have? 50% of voters said 3 Bridesmaids and 50% of voters said 4 Bridesmaids not including Matron and/or Maid of Honor. Both those answers are incorrect. I actually have 5 bridesmaids. :puts hands over face: That’s a lot right!? I know! Lol.

How many years has the Bridal Party person who has known Cara Naan the longest known Cara Naan? 66.67% of voters said 20 years and 33.33% of voters said 12 years. 20 is the right answer! There’s a reason I call my Chief my sister, she adopted me as her little sister when I was like 5!

Big Girl Panties

Or An Ode to Mommy Dearest

 

A short lesson on the colloquialism Put on Your Big Girl Panties: Put on your big girl panties is a colorful way of saying ‘You’re acting like a child who hasn’t been potty-trained yet: time to grow up, act like an adult and do what needs to be done.’

I literally had to tell myself that yesterday morning.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday morning, in anticipation of having to run an errand associated with wedding planning by myself. I was ready to have a full-scale tantrum:

Ugh, I don’t want to plan a wedding. Daniel has to work, I don’t even want to go by myself. I want my mommy! It’s not fair that I have to be planning a wedding without my mom here with me every girl should have her mom with her…

Ultra dramatic bridezilla moment much? Definitely lol. In any case, that’s how I woke up. A very sour mood. But I quickly checked myself and did not give in to the tantrum that was trying to form inside of me. I told God “JK Daddy, this will be an awesome day. I can do this! I want this.”

I proceeded to do what most girls do when they want a quick pick-me-up.

During the months of January and February I focused the majority of, if not, all my reading and study on the life of Abraham [Genesis 12 to 23]. As I was driving out of my complex yesterday I wondered to myself if at any point on his journey Abraham missed the family that God had called him out from. I wondered if he was ever tempted by his feelings to turn around and go back home, after all he had no idea where he was going all he knew was that he was going with God. But I answered my own questions, even if Abraham FELT that way at some point on his journey it doesn’t matter. Why? Because he didn’t turn around.

That’s what Big Girl Panties mean to me. It’s being in a position where I manage my feelings. My feelings don’t direct me. This process has not been ideal for me. My mom and my bridesmaids all live out of town. Daniel and I have conflicting work schedules which makes it extremely difficult to run errands together. But all in all I’m learning that ideal or not I can handle it. I surprised myself yesterday with getting myself back on track. I didn’t need to vent to God and whine to Him. I was joyful and grateful and able to share that with Him instead of complaining.

To add the icing to the cake I spoke to my mother after running the errand.

At the time of our conversation I shared with her that it was clear there was yet another hurdle that we would have to be jump but I wasn’t worried about it.

Worried?

No.

Hungry and tired?

Yes.

Would I be doing anymore running and around to try and resolve that issue? No. Because if another tantrum was ready to form I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep it at bay on an empty stomach. There wasn’t much I could do then anyway so we both agreed going home and eating was the best move.

Growing up, those who know me best will say that I was a Daddy’s girl. That is true. I’m not ashamed, my Daddy still means the world to me. He was my first example of a good, loving and strong man!  But as I’ve grown into a woman, (Woman is such a strong word! LOL.) I’ve grown to appreciate my mother so much more than I did when I was a child! I always thought my mom was perfect, even when I was younger. Not perfect in the sense of having no flaws or doing no wrong but perfect in the sense of this ultra holy other. And as an imperfect tomboy who would rather be running around in baggy shorts than learning the ins and outs of keeping house in a dress, I resented that. We were constantly at odds, and though I didn’t know it, because she would always show us her strong side, I hurt her feelings as much as, if not more, than I thought she hurt mine. Still, she never let her hurt feelings detour her from teaching me the right way. Even in times when I have strayed whether in cooking regularly, or keeping a clean house or even godliness and self-control, it was never for a lack of teaching or a lack of an example on her part.

We still drive each other crazy sometimes but our relationship has blossomed beautifully, and we have a greater understanding and appreciation for one another thanks be to Our God who restores.

During this wedding planning process I talk to her often. She has great organizational skills, which I sometimes lack. She is a get-this-done-right-away woman whereas I still have some procrastinating ways about me. Smh. LOL. Long story short she definitely adds to the balance I need at this time by simply being in my corner. We haven’t gone wedding dress shopping yet but I can’t wait for that time!!

Anyhoo…I was sharing with her yesterday about my morning and how I woke up off balance but managed to regulate myself without having a tantrum. I told her about wishing she was there to help me…and you know what she said?

“You don’t need me. You can do this. You’re strong.”

You may not understand how monumental of a moment that was for me, so let me break it down. Like I said I always thought my mom was perfect. Of course there were times when she may have been wrong but one thing I can say is that I never witnessed her lie. She went on to tell me how much she believes in me and that’s why she’s so invested in this wedding and isn’t worried because she believes that God is in it and will work everything out. She told me that I amaze her! Oh my gosh just recalling that moment yesterday brings tears to my eyes…

I didn’t cry then because honestly I was in shock! Not at what she said as much as how and when it came out.

I think every woman, deep down inside, wants her mother, whether living or dead, to one day see her as a woman and also to be proud of her as a woman.

I can say that my best feminine qualities (compassion, a nurturing nature, house keeping, etc.) come from my mother’s teaching and her example even if and when those qualities were nurtured by other women around. I am me because of her. I’ve always known her to be strong, kind, and loving. I’ve seen her submit to her husband and allow him to lead her. Her example is a large part of the confidence I have in myself when it comes to marriage. I can do this. And to have her echo those same sentiments yesterday was everything!

 

10 Things I learned from my mommy:

Ultimately, Submitting to your husband is the equivalent of loving your husband.

• Respect him as the man of the house. Make decisions together but always recognize that he is not just the head but your head.
• Never discuss him in a negative way whether he is present or absence.
• Be strong but allow him to be there for you, never shut him out.
• When troubles arise, you may forgive and forget, your friends will not. The issues in your marriage are none of your friends business. The issues in your marriage are no one’s business except you and your husband and should not be shared with anyone not even parents and siblings unless there is a threat of physical danger or the issue is serious enough that the two of you decide together to seek help from an authorized outside source.
• You cannot run home to mommy and daddy every time there’s a problem. We love you but if you run to us we’ll wave from the window and tell you to go back and work it out.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. (That’s not even in the Bible but…lol…okay…)

• A clean house adds to a happy home. Need I say more?

Don’t be afraid to work hard for what you believe in.

• That road often requires sacrifice to achieve what you want.

Be a gracious hostess.

• A happy woman doesn’t mind entertaining guests and welcoming people into her home, announced or unannounced. (IDK about that unannounced bit but…I did get it.)

Invest in people without wanting anything in return because people are inherently valuable.

• My mother has been a Sunday School Teacher, a youth leader, a women’s ministry leader, a role-model, a surrogate mother, a friend and so many other different things to so many different people and she’s done it out of love never once expecting anything in return.
• She believes that all people are valuable and has always been willing to go the extra mile to spend extra time with those who are in need.
• She has always given her time, prayers, and money without looking for a return on investment.

Family First. 

• Once you’re a married woman, your husband and then your children when they come along become your number one priority.
• Career. Personal goals and achievements, even your closest family and friends come second to the preservation of the family unit.

If all you have is Hope and Faith you have more than enough.

• When things are dark and grim, you cannot give up. Let the hope you have in your heart and the faith you have in God be the fuel you need to push past the rut and keep going!
• Cry if you have to, scream if you must, crawl if you can’t walk but whatever you do, don’t quit!

“You’re not here for your good looks” 

And that’s a direct quote lol. Gotta love Jamaicans.

• Immediate Ramifications: You may think you’re pretty but you’re a part of this family so you better get these chores done! LOL.
• Real meaning: You weren’t created to be told you’re beautiful or to be admired simply for your beauty, you were created for a purpose. Do something meaningful with your life. Affect change, no matter how small it may seem.

Whatever you do, do it well.

• Whether it’s cleaning your bathroom, or working as a janitor. Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability and to the glory of God.

If you know God, know that it will all work out in the end.

• Since all that I meet, shall work for my good, the bitter is sweet, the medicine [is] food. Though painful at times, ‘twil cease before long, and oh how sweet the conqueror’s song. (A hymn that my mother would quote, often.)
• And we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
• Your bad days, your bitter disappointments, your failures, God uses those too and they are still all working together for your good.
• Jeremiah 29:11

Mommies are awesome! So, they may not Always know best, but they sure do know a lot and it comes out looking like the best Most of the time!!

I got my big girl panties on and I know I can handle whatever comes my way, thanks in LARGE part to the amazing example of my mommy dearest.

Mommy wow! I’m, a, wo-man now!

LOL

Share the love. Show your mom some appreciation, whether it’s a call, a hug, or honoring her memory with your thoughts – she’s worth it!

Good day to you pilgrims. Wishing you and super moms everywhere love and light!

-CN

#NaanButTheTruth

Once Upon A Thanksgiving…

Christmas time is here. 

This year Christmas will be very different, its the first time Ever in life that I will be away from my family (mom, dad, etc.). I have very mixed feelings about that. In South Florida there will be presents under a large tree, Christmas lights are up outside (I’m sure), eggnog, apple cider and Christmas music for days! While I’m here struggling to find the desire to finish putting on the few decorations I have on my mini 4 ft. tree that I only put up earlier this week…

Still despite the meager decorations and lack of “Christmas spirit” in my own home I’m experiencing a new level of gratitude. I’ve really had the opportunity to embrace the hope and love that the celebration of the birth of Jesus brings! One of my favorite carols “Oh Holy Night” was playing on a day that up until that point was only going so so and the words knocked the hope Christ brings right into me…”A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn…” Even though weary at times we can rejoice because of the hope and the glorious light Christ ushers in! It was beautiful.

I could go on about Christmas but here’s a story from my life that happened to occur on another “major ” holiday.

Once upon a Thanksgiving, 

Approximately three weeks ago, I arrived in South Florida and I was not alone. My boyfriend (at the time) Danny made the trip down with me (in fact he drove the entire way).

I have to stop here and insert the fact that this is not the first time Danny has been to my parent’s house for Thanksgiving. This was something like his fourth time. Although it had been about 4 years since the last time he was there. 

Anyhoo…we arrive in Sunny South Florida where I set to work in the kitchen helping my mother finnish up the dinner preparations and my father announces that he and Danny are off to take a stroll. Apparently during this time Danny being the renaissance man that he is and in the fashion of a true classical gentleman asks my father for my hand in marriage and would you believe it my father says he has his blessing! Of course this is all unbeknownst to me.

Fast Forward.

It’s dinner time, and the table is full; full with both people and food. Those present: My father, my mother, my maternal grandmother, my little sister, my brother, one of my younger cousins, Danny’s mother, one of Danny’s older sisters, Danny and myself.

We had a great time!  We ate! We told stories! We laughed! It was perfect.

My family has a tradition that at the end of every Thanksgiving meal we go around the table and say what we are thankful for so hearing that is nothing out of the ordinary. What IS out of the ordinary is that when my mother, father, grandmother and Danny’s sister and mom have their turns they are ALL bringing it back to Danny and I whether it’s to say we have their blessing (my dad) or that they agree (my grams) or that they are so proud (Danny’s sister), its all coming back to Danny and I being together.

If you know me any at all, you should know that at this point I am absolutely CLUELESS! LOL

Before my grandmother shares, everything is put on hold because my little sister Candace goes to use the bathroom and Danny excuses himself to use the bathroom upstairs too. Both return in a timely manner. And the sharing continues. After my grandma, its Danny’s sister, and after her its Danny’s mother. When his mom ends, Danny asks if anyone has anything left to say everyone either answers no or shakes their head no. Then, he says he has something else he would like to say and that it is to me. He turns to look at me and moves my chair to face me…

And the rest is history! 

Hahaha

Okay, no, seriously he says a lot of amazing things and I truly cannot remember all of it right now but it IS all on video, somewhere (lol). And of course I was ultra emotional, hands over my face, oh my gosh-ing, hyperventilating, and I nearly passed out (but I was sitting down) when he got down on his knee and whipped out a box – (juno it’s not real until you see the box LOL)!

And he said “Will you be my wife?”

AHHHHHHHH!!

And I said…”I think, maybe YES!”

It meant so much to me to be able to share that moment with our families. I’m the oldest child and he’s the youngest and the only boy.

The ring is gorgeous and full of (diamonds, lol, no, well, yes it is but that’s not my point, (Oh, I watched Blood Diamond for the first time right after I got this ring, traumatic, my ring isn’t made of blood diamonds though) my point is the ring is full of) sentimental value. This is the same ring Danny’s father used to propose to his mother. When Danny was very young his father passed away.

I’ve known Danny since I was thirteen years old. Our story is a long one filled with the stuff best friendships are made of. We didn’t like each other, we finally talked, we’d talk for hours, we made time for each other, we saw each other as often as possible even when he moved to a different state. We got mad at each other, we distanced ourselves, we didn’t speak, we were there for each other when we needed each other most. We gave each other space. We saw other people. We reconnected. We ran away (maybe that was only me). We reconnected. Separated. We reconnected. “I need time.” (-Me) We reconnected. “I love you.” (-His actions). “This isn’t working.” (-Me). We reconnected. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” (-His actions & His words). Ugh, I love him too!! So much!

We always had a special connection, it’s uncanny really. I can only credit God for designing our separate paths in such a way that when we intersected all those years ago, we just couldn’t get out of the other’s way, even when we tried, even when we mutually agreed to do so, even when…well, you get the point!

He knows me better than anyone else in the world and I WISH I was exaggerating here, but I’m not! That Emily Bronté quote that says “…he’s more myself than I am,” is an accurate description of my relationship with him, sometimes, unnervingly so. He has seen me at my best and known me at my worst. He remembers who I am at my core, even when I forget and he can point out when I have morphed for the worst. He is well acquainted with my warm, bubbly ways and when I try to be cold and indifferent he is quick to call me out on it.

Confession: I am not one of those girls who has completely planned out her wedding or spent a great deal of time imagining what it will be like. No. I still have no idea! Maybe it’s my old tomboy ways but…that just wasn’t my thing. I did not envision my ideal proposal either, but this was perfect for me! One thing I did always have in the back of my mind, that went out the window, is who I would tell first aside from my immediate family and the reactions/responses I would get. Though it didn’t go as I had imagined, again, it was perfect. The first person I told was my aunt in Birmingham, England (my father’s oldest sister). Her and I have always been very close despite the distance. Her response was “Ooh, I’m happy for you! Congrats! Who’s the lucky devil?” She’s something else!

There’s a lot more to share but I’l bring this post to an end. I need to tend to these hours at work so I can get my Friday on! LOL

Thanksgiving may be over but we’re all pilgrims on this journey called life! 

Journey on! Besos!!

-CM

How I FEEL

In college I had the blessed opportunity to hear Nikki Giovanni speak. She was as wonderfully profound in person as she is through her written word.

She was passionate about how important words are to her and conveyed that message; although, I must confess that it wasn’t until the wee hours of this morning that I completely received it.

“You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts because if you write with someone looking over your shoulder, you’ll never write.” -Nikki Giovanni

My soul would always have so much to say but I got in my own way and became the main someone looking over my own shoulder.

Last night was a turning point, my soul would be stifled no more.

I cried last night out of frustration, “Why do I feel this way? I should have expected this.” I had become so ecstatic about something I had been told in a short period of time only to have that excitement disappointed. And then I felt as though the response I received was one that told me I had no right to feel the way I did because “such is life.”

I was pissed with myself for allowing myself to get to that point and be hurt.

But when everything was shared and said and done – I elongated my back and decided that I should not apologize for the way I felt and that I had every right to feel the way I did.

No person can be told by another what they have the right to feel, regardless of how the world works. If there are any “Not right”s associated with feelings, it is any person outside of the feeling who does NOT have the right  to dictate to you (or me) how we can feel or what we are allowed to feel. They may disagree because they do not feel the same way but that does not diminish the fact of how you feel.

Feelings cannot be boxed into context.

It is my feminine birthright to feel.

But for so long, for too long, I despised my tears and resisted the emotions storming in my chest. No more.

In feeling the way I did and communicating that (regardless of the response I received or whether the other person felt I had the right to feel that way or not) I had all the proof I needed to be reassured that I am becoming the sensitive woman I have, for the last year or so, wished to be.

I went to bed at 5:50a after writing 16 new poems, not including the one-liners I penned and intend to let simmer until I am ready to add to them, and I woke up to more poetry at 8:30a.

At first I was like “Really? Two hours and some change in sleep is all I get and I have to wake up to my mind still buzzing with poetry?”

But this was an affirmative answer to my prayers sent up in the form of started and neglected poems. Since this year I have tried so hard to start writing again and every attempt until this morning/last night had been crap.

It was crap because it was forced.

I tinkered with structure and tried to be prolific on purpose rather than just let my soul flow through the tip of my pen like it did when writing came so easy for me.

I have always had a big heart. But my inability to express my emotions verbally often left me tongue-tied. Writing became the nervous system I lacked. It allowed me to feel and to process on paper. I smile, weep, laugh, get angry, allow sadness, and heal through my writing. Perhaps some will say that makes me a coward. But perhaps that is what makes me a writer.

I choose to share  in the hopes that it will remind someone that they are not alone and assure them their unique voice is valuable. We may feel and process differently but we all experience the same emotions even if for different reasons and we all have something to say.

Speak up! Leave your mark. The world is listening…

-CM

Bees and Thorns

“As I mature I realize that I talk to myself more, I correct my own mistakes, I follow my own advice. Less people are around and that has allowed me to connect with myself. I’ve become one of my own best friends.” -? Source: Tumblr

This quote is really a summary of my current state.

Literally this morning I had a “cliche” epiphany but an epiphany nonetheless.

I LOVE MYSELF!

I’m beyond imperfect. But I am growing. And I love every one of my many imperfections because they make me uniquely me.

Every dark spot, every wrinkle, every blemish, stretch mark…etc.

They belong to me. They are a part of me. They are mine and they are me all at the same time and that my dear friends is beautiful.

I believe the only other time I’ll feel such intense love and connectedness is when I get married and become one with my husband and have children (a woman’s heart in human forms) that’s the only other time I’ll be able to love something that is mine and me all at the same time.

Perhaps I’ve even been a bit extreme but oh well. The lesson of loving myself is well worth it.

I’ve gone out bra-less and been proud.

That’s a big deal. Wearing no bra in the house is one thing but running a quick errand with no bra? Oh no! I never thought I could do that. I thought my chest was too big if you know what I mean ladies…and maybe it still is…but the point is I did it and it was…liberating…for lack of a better word. No, I’m not a feminist. But growing up with large breasts going bra-less was a privilege reserved only for those chicks with small perky boobs….

Okay enough of that…it’s kinda TMI anyway…lol

Not much has changed in my macro-environment but my entire *internal* perspective has shifted. I’m ultra content with where I am now…dare I say, grateful? Yes! I’m thankful for this seemingly slow pace.  It has allowed me to take inventory of where I’m coming from and plan for the future.

Ugh! I feel like I’m rambling and that this explanation isn’t doing any justice to my mental state and what I’m feeling…

but imagine living life as if you had nothing to lose…

That’s where I am right now.

I’ve taken the time to get to know myself. I’ve examined my physical flaws and fallen in love with them. I’ve considered my shortcomings and forgiven myself. I’ve been kind to myself. I know myself better. And I have extended the same faith to myself that I have in others. I’m ready to exercise trust in myself by stepping up and making decisions rather than trying to shy away from them.

Realizing that I have nothing to lose and so much to give has allowed me to silence the insecurities that would seek to paralyze me. Those insecurities are powerless, they don’t control me or determine my destiny.

And I’m extremely overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude. God has been so kind even in the midst of those things that I first interpreted as being negative.

I have a loving family. I have wonderful friends. I have an amazing boyfriend.

And I also have me.

Life is a beautiful gift to be enjoyed and appreciated. Yes, often time frightful situations arise and the sun may not always shine. But that doesn’t make life any less beautiful and that should not keep you from moving forward and enjoying this gift.

One day after one of my runs I passed by this bunch of flowers and decided to admire it but there were a lot of bees around and I almost changed my mind. But then I decided that those flowers were as much for me to enjoy as they were for the bees and I was equally reminded that thorns don’t keep me from touching white roses (one of my favorite types of flowers). Thus my epiphany “Don’t let the bees keep you from the flowers and don’t let the thorns keep you from the rose.”

Take the bad with the good but never let it stop you from moving ahead. Keep going! Keep growing!

Much love & light to all you pilgrims!

– A sniffer of flowers and a holder of roses

When Context Changes

I had an interesting Sunday, to say the least.

To be honest it was a bit overwhelming and exhausting.

To put things into perspective let me say that I went to bed after 3am Sunday morning and I had to be up by 7:30am (exhaustion) to make a meeting and then I went to church. However, after church I had an opportunity to spend some quality girl time with one of my friends who had a baby in March, and I hadn’t seen her (or met her baby boy) since before that time. That was great! (Pleasantly overwhelming).

I got back to my apartment after 5p. I turned on the TV and saw that one of my top 10 movies was on…Stepmom starring Julia Roberts (as the stepmom) and Susan Sarandon (the children’s terminally ill mother).

Stepmom was released in 1998 and while I don’t remember when exactly I watched it for the first time, I’m sure it was within the first two years of its release.

In all honesty when I decided to watch it again yesterday, I couldn’t remember why I had liked it so much that first time I watched it with my family…actually, it’s my mother I most remember watching it with that first time. I remember her really liking the movie as well. Maybe that’s what made it so memorable, those days my mother and I rarely connected, much less found something we both liked.

I could have never expected to respond the way I did when I watched the movie again yesterday. Ultimately I still enjoyed the movie but the lens I was now watching it through had changed dramatically – hence the title of this post – When Context Changes

When I first watched the movie Stepmom as a young tween the only framework I had of the concept of a stepparent was the one the movie provided, otherwise it was foreign to me. I grew up with both my parents. Even if I had friends that had a stepparent in their life it wasn’t an experience that was shared with me. “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” is played a couple times throughout the movie and while it was certainly song I knew and loved that song became more important to me over time. Terminal illness I understood a little more than the concept of stepparents, but not much more. I had an uncle pass away from Cancer in 1996 at the age of 26. I was young at the time and as he lived in Jamaica I did not witness (rather I did not notice) his body deteriorating. As a tween I had pictures and memories but I did not understand the weight of their importance.

Watching the movie this time around was very different because I was watching it from within a completely different context from all those years ago…(Overwhelming Part II and to the nth power)

To be frank, I cried my eyes out! at various points throughout the movie because it now hit way too close to home.

For one my boyfriend has a daughter. In fact, yesterday was her birthday (Happy 3rd Birthday AJ)! I can’t put into words how much I love this man except to say that I love him with all of me, he is my very best friend, the one my soul loves and the man I intend to marry and spend the rest of my days with. I haven’t met his daughter in person yet, but I have seen her and she’s absolutely wonderfully amazing in every way, I love her already!! With that being said I often worry about the details of becoming one with him and being accepted by his daughter and her mother.

Ugh. Somehow this blog brings out the painfully honest and transparent side of me. That’s annoying. Anyhoo…

So yeah, that would mean one day I would be a stepmom. Loving his daughter as my own would not be an issue its more so understanding my role, where I fit in within the context of her life and his relationship with her, and developing a sincere relationship with her mother. Whew. Now that that’s out there…the point is you can see how that changes things for me as far as watching the movie goes.

Then…

My love for music has allowed me to sometimes find songs that fit my relationships with certain people exactly, whether it’s because they directly correlate with a memory or they simply describe the relationship to a tee. Those songs become a kind of theme song for those relationships. When I was five years old I met this older girl who I immediately loved. Over the years we grew extremely close she adopted me as a little sister and knew me better than anyone else, she knew every secret, every fear…

Our theme song became “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” because we promised nothing would keep us from getting to each other for that shared sisterly support. Literally she was there whenever I needed her!

Time has passed and we’ve both grown. Just last week she gave birth to her second little girl. I wasn’t there. I was there for the birth of her first child but somehow I couldn’t find comfort in that. So much for not letting anything keep me from getting to her…

Life happened. Life got in the way. And I let it keep me from her. Hearing our song in the movie last night made me cry. I wished things weren’t as complicated as they have become, weren’t as complicated as perhaps I’ve made them by moving away from S. Florida. As if one time wasn’t enough the song was in two major scenes. Sigh.

Next…

Terminal illness. Writing that deflates me. If you’ve known me for any time or read some of my blog posts you may know that I had someone very close to me die from complications stemming from the Cystic Fibrosis disease. Cystic Fibrosis is considered a terminal illness. Kaiya passed away at only 17. Great…here I am crying…again…as I type this. Anyway, there’s a scene in the movie where Susan Sarandon’s character tells her ex-husband that she has Cancer and his response is that it should be me and immediately I started balling. From the time I met Kaiya and discovered how amazing she was and how devastating the Cystic Fibrosis disease was I wished it had been me. When she died, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was angry with God for not taking me instead. Kaiya was so vibrant, so fill of life and love, and she had so much to offer this often dismal world. Needless to that scene in the movie broke my heart all over again and reminded me of all the times I wished, prayed, pleaded with God to take her place or at the very least take her pain away. Which He did, just not in the way I wanted or expected…

Finally…

The importance of pictures and memories. Julia Robert’s character is a professional photographer and when it becomes apparent that Susan Sarandon’s character is dying Julia’s character uses her photography skills to capture (what everyone knows will be) precious moments and memories when Sarandon’s character passes. It hurt watching that because it reminded me of my many memories of Kaiya and the few pictures I have with her. The major difference is that in the movie everyone understands the importance of the pictures and the memories they’re creating but when I was taking those pictures and making those memories with Kaiya I had no idea what was to come.

 

 

 

 

 

Kaiya was a major part of my life. I pictured her there cracking jokes when I graduated from college and I certainly saw her as a bridesmaid on my wedding day and being present for her wedding on her wedding day…

Strange as this may sound I’m happy I reacted the way I did to the movie. It reminded me that I’m alive. That I’m able to feel. For someone who has struggled with hardening her heart and growing numb (in a futile effort to protect herself and make a rough life go easier on her feelings), it was good to know that all my conscious effort to remain open has kept me sensitive.

It’s good to feel. Though what we feel may not always feel good.

Life is a context that is ever changing. Cherish every moment Pilgrims!

-CM

I Am My Hair…

A lot of women of my ethnic persuasion have made the switch from relaxed to natural.

I’ve thought about it…and even attempted to transition to natural but in the end I decided that it just wasn’t for me.

Though India Arie’s song “I AM Not My Hair” is sweet – I’m here to disagree.

I Am My Hair.

Very much so.

All my friends who have gone natural have told me how much work it can be and at this stage in my life I’m not willing to commit to that. I get lazy even with straight relaxed hair. How much worse would that be if I went natural??? No thanks. I’ll pass.

Here is why my hair and I are one in the same…

We’re not fussy (usually you’ll find me wearing my hair up in a pony tail)

Slightly red. circa de 2009, 2010

We like to experiment…on a fundamental (or in the case of my hair a) chemical level…(I may not experiment much with hair styles but I LOVE coloring my hair! I like trying new things as well; This post’s cliche is: variety is the spice of life)

What you see is usually what you get (I’ve had weave in my hair maybe three times at most (in the form of braids), I do like wearing wigs sometimes…though that doesn’t happen often; as for me upon first encounter I come off as reserved when I’m really just being observant BUT whether fortunately or unfortunately I tend to wear my emotions on my face)

And most of all

We are resilient.

My hair has been neglected, mistreated, and cut down (so have I! Though, my hair usually only suffers at my hand versus the hand of someone else) but somehow it (we) always (bounce)s back!

My hair is resilient. I am resilient.

In 2011 I colored my hair (which I loved!) but got lazy and ended up having to cut my hair in December.Then I was contemplating going natural and started transitioning but again I got lazy and was in no mood to put up a fight with my thick hair (my hair is thick even when relaxed).

Up until this year I really haven’t been interested in taking care of it as I should but that’s all changed as I’m working towards getting my long locks back…even if that means not coloring it again once I get my length back.

Here are a few more photos from my hair journey –

College life. 2008. My hair was scraggly and was about the length it is now.

2009 in NY (brownish red color)

March 2011 That’s length I’m aiming for again.

March 2011 Bra Strap length – I want This length back!!

2013. Today. Hair length now at arm pit length.

 

 

 

 

2013. Today. We’ll get there. Au natural.

December 2011. Gradation. See how short it was cut in the back?

Guilt Trip.

I am a recovering people pleaser.

Ouch!

Yeah…there…I said it.

But I don’t just struggle with pleasing any and everyone. The issue only arises when it’s those matters and people that carry the most weight with me.

I don’t like to “disappoint” the ones in my inner circle.

I could have easily said I don’t like to disappoint the ones I love but I am doing my best to love everyone around me but not everyone’s opinion carries weight with me…

And I don’t feel bad about that because even Jesus had an inner circle.

People pleasing is a pride issue. Ultimately, at the center of people pleasing is a prideful desire to want to be liked, loved, and/or accepted, whether its a struggle to please a select few or to fit in with the crowd and please the masses, or at least those who can get you what you want or where you want to go.

My family pretty much plans a vacation (“trip”) every year, nothing wrong with that. But this year, I did not want to go. I also did not speak up. Until tonight.

I tried to get as hype as possible about it but in reality I was filled with dread, not because I don’t love being around my family but because I feel that there are other more pressing priorities at hand (i.e. getting my life together and establishing a more steady flow of income (in short having a more stable job). Still, because my parents have helped me out (and continue to help me) so much, I felt obligated to go and to feign a happiness about the impending trip that I really wasn’t feeling. I even attempted to make myself feel better by asking my friend to come along, even when my friend agreed, it didn’t help, in fact I felt worse.

I had to come to the realization that regardless of what everyone else wanted or what everyone else thinks, within myself, I don’t want to go on this trip. I called my mother to break the news to her literally within the last hour.

Now, let me state that my parents do not try to control me using money…at least they do not do that intentionally. They are indeed great, loving parents, who despite our many disagreements are extremely supportive. Though, they are imperfect (like all of us) and though we have had our share of “moments”, I acknowledge and applaud the fact that they have always done their best with raising three children.

However, the fact remains that with them gladly helping me out when they can, a weighty sense of obligation comes upon me to do what they ask (which comes off more like telling me), when they ask me to do it (i.e. going on this vacation).

The feeling of obligation (aka The Guilt Trip) would come when I would be asked by those in my inner circle (family, friends) to do something I did not want to do because it either went against where I was (whether mentally or physically) at the moment or because it was extremely inconvenient; even so because I felt those reasons were either selfish or not good enough I would agree rather than decline.

In the past, I would give in to those guilt trips more often than not. It wouldn’t matter how uncomfortable it may be or how stretched or pressed for time I already was, I would usually agree to do something to avoid any ill feeling on the other person’s end even if it lead to headache and heartache for me.

But I have learned that living like that will burn you out. It can lead to physical breakdown (in the form of sickness) and it can also cause emotional and social problems including but not limited to bitterness, resentment and living like a hermit. “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The older I get the harder it is for me to put up with unwarranted feelings of guilt.

The only way, ONLY way to avoid guilt trips is to know your limit, know that sometimes you do have to put your sanity and emotional well being first and to speak up! 

The more I practice this, the easier it becomes and the more I see that often times my perception of the other person’s response is generally really skewed. For the most part those people I “let down” do not respond in the negative way I thought they would. When we are transparent people are generally more understanding than we think they will be. This is not always the case of course, and wisdom is definitely needed. But whether the person’s response is positive or negative you need to speak up because you are important and your sanity is needed too.

Our lives are gifts from God given to us. We cannot spend all our days trying to live it according to others or to please others, ultimately we are only accountable to One. Yes! We should use our gift of life to serve others but to live according to them? No.

People pleasing is not living, it’s existing. We were given the gift of life to LIVE not to simply exist.

To sum it all up, I told my mother I didn’t want to go on the guilt trip, oops, I meant family vacation, LOL! She took it a lot better than I expected, though, I really should have spoken up sooner (Hey! I’m still learning…I said recovering remember? lol) because that would have minimized the damage. I’m sure she doesn’t understand completely but she is aware of my decision and  cannot be surprised when I don’t go.

“Disappointing” people is a necessary growing pain for those recovering people pleasers like myself. Sometimes the feelings after declining and potentially disappointing someone suck but they are short lived and it is definitely necessary.

In an effort to cover up the pride at the center of people pleasing, people pleasers often convince themselves that in always doing what others want they are doing good…but the truth is this:

When each of us walks our own path, that’s when we are able to do the most good.

Walk tall. Say “No” when it’s necessary. And Remember you matter, too.

Much Love & Light to you Pilgrims,

– The Girl Who Lived

Why I’m Ditching Social Media

The Age of Social Media.

I have officially decided that Social Media is bad for my health.

My mental health. My spiritual health. My emotional health.

While my physical and financial health are not affected by social media, 3 out of 5 still adds up to be the majority. Social Media negatively affects my health way too much!

No bueno.

What do I mean?

I get distracted way too easily. I used to tell people that I have the worst case of undiagnosed A.D.D.

Seriously, bright colors, thought hopping…

“Oh, were you saying something? Mmmm (just nod and smile Car nod and smile)”

Rather than using social media for the useful tool it can be I have allowed social media to become a HUGE distraction. Ugh. There I go taking responsibility for my actions in the form of a confession. Eww. Yuck. Gross. :Sticks out tongue: I digress. (See what I mean about A.D.D.?) Anyhoo…moving on…or else back to what I was saying…I have allowed Social Media to become a HUGE distraction.

And while I am oh so tempted to make myself look better by offering some kind of excuse and saying something like “Even though I don’t use it that much,” or at least clarifying that I’m Not a creeper who uses social media to stalk people…that’s neither here nor there.

It really doesn’t matter how often I use social media, it’s the way I use it, or at least the way I’m tempted to use it.

I’m an introvert at heart. I value sincere social interaction not the shallow stuff social media offers. I don’t want to forget that and I find that social media often tempts me to forget.

You see, Social media has allowed people to create (or else re-create) themselves. Most everyone on Instagram, or Facebook, or Twitter, etc., is leading this AMAZING life that we should care about and therefore follow for updates ( :rolls eyes: ). That’s what social media is selling and I’m not buying it. Not anymore.

Ever notice how everyone is always smiling in their pictures??? Social Media encourages us to share every aspect of our lives with our “public” no matter how large or small that public may be. We do this through posting photos on Instagram or checking in to places on Facebook, or by tweeting some profound thought on Twitter. But in reality Social Media is teaching us to hide our true selves and to show only what we think people want/need to see. And people don’t need to see us at our lowest point, oh no! And they certainly don’t want to see us with no make-up on….

No, we have to convince our public that we are living the fabulous life that all is well in our world. We have to convince our public that in some way they need to want to be us…whether it’s a need to want to have our pretty face, or our body shape, or our ultra awesome friends, or our perfect relationship with our significant other, or our finances, or our profound thoughts…

This was a sincere post, it was also my 36th post of my now 180 posts on Instagram. Smh.

We are compelled to convince our public to like us by highlighting what they may be lacking in their own lives because secretly we need to be validated. How sick is that!?!

It’s all a charade! Why? Because it doesn’t tell the whole story.

Of course there are exceptions! There are sincere people who choose to use those social media channels to share the ups and downs and twists and turns in their journey all in an effort to encourage others. But the overwhelming majority does not do this.

I am best able to be transparent about my own journey through this blog, those other channels often tempt me to only highlight the glamorous moments in my life. Enough of that!

The reality of it is I need to make moves! NOT waste time pretending I’m making moves on Social Media. Ya digg!?!

I’m not going to be all dramatic and shut down or deactivate my existing accounts…No. I have however deleted the apps on my phone. I won’t delete any pictures or posts already out there but there certainly won’t be any new ones for a long while.

I will continue to use social media but now only as a tool to remain in contact with my friends and family, to build solid business relationships and connections and for promoting others and any businesses or projects I’m affiliated with.

Practically speaking, that looks like a limited amount of time that has to be scheduled into my planner. Outside of those things and outside of that time, you won’t find me on there.

For updates and the complete story of my life and more so my thinking process filled with its ups and downs, its boring moments, ugly decisions, silly questions, and random thoughts see me here on my blog, that’s the real. Total transparency all in an attempt to encourage even one other someone else (Yes, I was an English major) to speak up or to remind them that they matter.

Care or don’t care, hate it or love it, agree or disagree, that’s where I am at present. If it’s not your cup of tea, leave it be. It was good while it lasted…I hope. LOL.

Dear Pilgrims,

We must find what makes us free, then we must do it and we must hold on to that freedom at all costs. If you’re following the crowd, then you’re not free my friend.

Live free!

-Some Call Me Car

AYO Technology and Transitions

It’s a catchy 50 Cent song…and a racy music video. And the portion of the song that applies to this post simply says this-

“Ayo! I’m tired of using technology…”

That phrase echoes my sentiments exactly!

…Today more than any other day I find that I’m frustrated. I’ve talked with both my Heavenly Father and my earthly father about the way I’ve been feeling today. Chances are I’m just hormonal. I even shed a few tears out of frustration. That admission right there automatically qualifies this post to be a diary entry. But I digress. My Eric (pops) said come on home. I can admit I was tempted, but no, I hate Florida. And I use the term “hate” for lack of a better word. Running back to Florida would in no way ease my current frustrations. Well, to be honest, it would a little in a few areas. However, in the areas that count, my frustrations could potentially worsen.

If it seems I’m dancing around what exactly those frustrations are then I apologize. I fully intend to divulge all. Let’s start with technology. All of my electronics seem to be going bad all at once. Everything from my car to my cellphone. And it costs money to replace all these things. Money which I don’t have at the moment.

My car needs brakes, tires, and bulbs for the headlights. My cellphone only stays charged for about 10 minutes before fading to a white screen and needing to be plugged up and rebooted. My laptop has to stay on the charger and will flash a blue screen and make a sizzling sound at least once a week. It will melt down even more if I dare to do any video calling to my family.

Once again I find myself in a transitioning phase. I’ve gone through a couple transitions before, you’d think by now I’d get the hang of it. But I haven’t. I’ve gone through the ugly duckling to beautiful swan cycle plenty of times. But it still hasn’t gotten an easier going through that ugly duckling and black sheep phase. Yeap, it’s still uncomfortable…

I haven’t had a hair appointment since December of last year. I used to think I cleaned up nicely but I don’t “feel” like that as of lately. I want to be able to get my hair done. I want to be able to get a little shopping in, especially with this impending change in the weather. There’s just no discretionary income to do those frivolous things. And they are just that, frivolous. But frivolous or not I miss being able to do them, especially since I haven’t done it in so long. I do my best to stay grateful and make use of all that I have been blessed with. I always find a way to make it work. That’s why I’m not taking my daddy up on his offer to come home.

To be honest these feelings may be the result of my approaching birthday. I’ll be 23 on the 23rd of this month – my golden birthday! Yippee. And typically I’d want to celebrate that in a major way…I love the number 23~:winks: But there is no great celebration in the works. I won’t even be able to spend it with the people I love most, my family and friends. That thought alone instantly turns me into a Sour Sally.

I’ve made friends here in Atlanta but with traffic and the price of gas it seems like we’re farther apart than we really are. My birthday is on a Tuesday so any get together would have to be on the weekend anyway. Netflix party anyone? LOL.

At this point my birthday wish as far as celebrating on the actual day include a cookies-n-creme ice cream bar (I’ve never been a cake person) from the gas station around the corner and slow dancing by candlelight if a certain someone can find the time. *Shrugs* If not…I’ll just eat my ice cream bar by candlelight and call it a night.  I hope that doesn’t sound too depressing. LOL. I’d actually quite enjoy it, either way it goes.

I miss Kaiya. A lot. She’s the one element that will always be missing from my birthday as of last year. I miss hearing her voice and having her tell me “Happy Birthday Car” and “I Love You CarCar.” I miss the way we took care of each other. She would always be there to spur me on even if it was only with her sarcastic tone or with her lessons on being a diva. And I would always be there for her, no matter what time of night, no matter what she wanted to talk about. She was the first person in a long time that I believed when she told me that I was a good writer. She was young but she certainly wasn’t easy to impress.

Sometime I think things would maybe be different if I was married and had a husband and children to care for.  Or maybe if I had a clearer understanding of what my purpose is and if I was actually walking in it. Maybe then it would be a little easier to get over the frustrations that  come with that. But feeling lost and for the most part alone…at 23…no bueno.

Today is simply another stepping stone along my journey. The crappy feelings will pass. They always do. Sometimes they pass faster than others. I’ve learned it’s okay to acknowledge my feelings as long as I understand they don’t have to shape my decisions or my future…

In any case God is good. And as much as there are things that I “want” and things that I “feel” and things that I’m unsure of, one thing is certain GOD is good. GOD is Sovereign. And my needs have already been met in Him.  He’s in charge and nothing will happen before His appointed time and I have to embrace that.

This crushing is crazy uncomfortable but it’s good. It’s only when we’re crushed that what’s in us comes out and we can see what we’re truly made of. I have to believe that I have what it takes to be whatever GOD has purposed Cara-Marie to be whether that’s being number 1 and in the spotlight or whether it means being number 23, playing the background and being the best number 23 I can be.

Life is worth Living Pilgrims, even when it hurts!

Spread the Light! Share the Love!

-CM

Things to Complain About

In their song “Good Life”, One Republic asks the question – “…please tell me, what there is to complain about?” Mind you I might be taking that quote totally out of context but I *shrug* at the right now because it works for all intents and purposes of this current post.

So as I was saying before I hit you with that disclaimer, One Republic asked that question, and I for one could easily come up with plenty to complain about. Especially today!

Now. Let me throw in another disclaimer, or two, right here.

This is the first time in a very long  while that I’ll be quoting Bible verses in a post. At the heart of every post is who I am and I am a person who genuinely Loves JESUS! So naturally every post echoes that in some way. But it stands out in my mind that I haven’t included any Bible verses in my last few posts. Mostly because I was pressed for time when writing them. But no excuses. This post comes to “remedy” that. :winks at you:  That was disclaimer number 1.

Disclaimer number 2 is actually an a personal observation about myself. Today I successfully stepped outside of my emotions in the moment. You might not understand so let me tell you. I had a rough time understanding my emotions growing up. I feared being overly emotional. I didn’t care for it. Usually I would just stifle and suppress my emotions, which caused them to grow more intense and bubble up and explode, which made me…yeap, you guessed it,  “overly emotionally”. Have you ever heard people say “The issue Is you?” Well, if you haven’t, now you have. And yeah that about sums up the truth of my emotional struggles. I was creating my own problem. Finding stability and balance in my emotions and just getting to know them and my reactions that stem from them, has a been a big part of my journey so far.

But back to the complaints at hand!

Today gave me so much to complain about, probably something from every area of life. In spite of that though, GOD gave me even more to be grateful about. Starting with His Word!

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” Philippians 1:27.

What a reminder! That was ringing in my heart every time I even thought about complaining today, which, to be honest was a heck of a lot! Sure some of the things were to be expected like my boyfriend going away for however long and the kiddies on the job acting up. But other things were unexpected like newly discovered and unwelcomed changes financially. But that verse that I only recently committed to memory was a sober reminder that WHATEVER Happens (expected or unexpected, good or bad, in times of peace, in times of chaos), even when things seem out of my control, I still have the ability to conduct myself in a way that brings glory to GOD. And today that is exactly what I chose to do.

It was a choice! A decision and conclusion that I came to using my mind. And juno I keep it honest, so I’m not afraid to say that initially my feelings weren’t having it! But as I stated in Disclaimer number 2 :winks atchu again: I was able to step outside of my feelings! And when I did that I was able to successfully examine them, acknowledge them and then deal with them. Please don’t think I’m trying to say my emotions were less intense because I recalled one Bible verse, one time. Oh no! I had to continuously speak it over to myself today to make it through the day and to help ensure that I was conducting myself in a way that was pleasing to God. Frankly, that “conducting” included repenting for wanting to complain and for initially being moody. True things!

The ability to find the blessing in my day comes from God alone. Literally, I knew HE was with me and that He heard me when I called out to Him and that brought a peace and a sanity that I really needed today!

I did more than simply, “look on the bright side.” I focused on “The Light of the World” (JESUS). 

Life gets a little blurry sometimes. But. Keep smiling!

 

Knowing that GOD was with me gave me the ability to look for His handiwork and favor despite the “obvious” things to complain about. And I was able to find those things! For one, He didn’t wipe me off the face of the earth those times past when I did succumb to temptation and complained. LOL. This evening I didn’t have to worry about dinner, which helps with saving money.

God is with me (Because I’m with HIM). I have enough. My needs are met. I can even help with some of the needs of others. That’s a blessing!

To some it may not be glamorous, no miraculous financial compensation and maybe sure nothing extraordinary happened but knowing that I had the ability to remain grateful and had the ability to focus on the goodness of God is enough to make me shout!

Because I know that by myself I’m unable to see the good when the not-so-good (or “not-so-ideal”, at least from my perspective) seems to stick out like an eyesore.

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him.” Philippians 2:13.

Amen. God is at work in me! I had the desire to conduct myself in a way that was worthy and not only that but I had the power and ability to do so. And I made it! Most of today lies behind me. A new day is just up a head. And whatever happens in the remainder of tonight and in the days before me, I will conduct myself in a way that lets others know that I put my total trust in my Faithful Creator because I have been assured that all things are working for my good because I love HIM and I’ve been called according to His purpose. 

So don’t take the easy way out in answering “What is there to complain about?” Instead, think of all the things you have to be grateful for. I promise you that even if it doesn’t put a pep in your step, at the very least it will get you through the day. 

Until Next time Pilgrims. Grace & Peace to you!!

-CM