It’s a catchy 50 Cent song…and a racy music video. And the portion of the song that applies to this post simply says this-
“Ayo! I’m tired of using technology…”
That phrase echoes my sentiments exactly!
…Today more than any other day I find that I’m frustrated. I’ve talked with both my Heavenly Father and my earthly father about the way I’ve been feeling today. Chances are I’m just hormonal. I even shed a few tears out of frustration. That admission right there automatically qualifies this post to be a diary entry. But I digress. My Eric (pops) said come on home. I can admit I was tempted, but no, I hate Florida. And I use the term “hate” for lack of a better word. Running back to Florida would in no way ease my current frustrations. Well, to be honest, it would a little in a few areas. However, in the areas that count, my frustrations could potentially worsen.
If it seems I’m dancing around what exactly those frustrations are then I apologize. I fully intend to divulge all. Let’s start with technology. All of my electronics seem to be going bad all at once. Everything from my car to my cellphone. And it costs money to replace all these things. Money which I don’t have at the moment.
My car needs brakes, tires, and bulbs for the headlights. My cellphone only stays charged for about 10 minutes before fading to a white screen and needing to be plugged up and rebooted. My laptop has to stay on the charger and will flash a blue screen and make a sizzling sound at least once a week. It will melt down even more if I dare to do any video calling to my family.
Once again I find myself in a transitioning phase. I’ve gone through a couple transitions before, you’d think by now I’d get the hang of it. But I haven’t. I’ve gone through the ugly duckling to beautiful swan cycle plenty of times. But it still hasn’t gotten an easier going through that ugly duckling and black sheep phase. Yeap, it’s still uncomfortable…
I haven’t had a hair appointment since December of last year. I used to think I cleaned up nicely but I don’t “feel” like that as of lately. I want to be able to get my hair done. I want to be able to get a little shopping in, especially with this impending change in the weather. There’s just no discretionary income to do those frivolous things. And they are just that, frivolous. But frivolous or not I miss being able to do them, especially since I haven’t done it in so long. I do my best to stay grateful and make use of all that I have been blessed with. I always find a way to make it work. That’s why I’m not taking my daddy up on his offer to come home.
To be honest these feelings may be the result of my approaching birthday. I’ll be 23 on the 23rd of this month – my golden birthday! Yippee. And typically I’d want to celebrate that in a major way…I love the number 23~:winks: But there is no great celebration in the works. I won’t even be able to spend it with the people I love most, my family and friends. That thought alone instantly turns me into a Sour Sally.
I’ve made friends here in Atlanta but with traffic and the price of gas it seems like we’re farther apart than we really are. My birthday is on a Tuesday so any get together would have to be on the weekend anyway. Netflix party anyone? LOL.
At this point my birthday wish as far as celebrating on the actual day include a cookies-n-creme ice cream bar (I’ve never been a cake person) from the gas station around the corner and slow dancing by candlelight if a certain someone can find the time. *Shrugs* If not…I’ll just eat my ice cream bar by candlelight and call it a night. I hope that doesn’t sound too depressing. LOL. I’d actually quite enjoy it, either way it goes.
I miss Kaiya. A lot. She’s the one element that will always be missing from my birthday as of last year. I miss hearing her voice and having her tell me “Happy Birthday Car” and “I Love You CarCar.” I miss the way we took care of each other. She would always be there to spur me on even if it was only with her sarcastic tone or with her lessons on being a diva. And I would always be there for her, no matter what time of night, no matter what she wanted to talk about. She was the first person in a long time that I believed when she told me that I was a good writer. She was young but she certainly wasn’t easy to impress.
Sometime I think things would maybe be different if I was married and had a husband and children to care for. Or maybe if I had a clearer understanding of what my purpose is and if I was actually walking in it. Maybe then it would be a little easier to get over the frustrations that come with that. But feeling lost and for the most part alone…at 23…no bueno.
Today is simply another stepping stone along my journey. The crappy feelings will pass. They always do. Sometimes they pass faster than others. I’ve learned it’s okay to acknowledge my feelings as long as I understand they don’t have to shape my decisions or my future…
In any case God is good. And as much as there are things that I “want” and things that I “feel” and things that I’m unsure of, one thing is certain GOD is good. GOD is Sovereign. And my needs have already been met in Him. He’s in charge and nothing will happen before His appointed time and I have to embrace that.
This crushing is crazy uncomfortable but it’s good. It’s only when we’re crushed that what’s in us comes out and we can see what we’re truly made of. I have to believe that I have what it takes to be whatever GOD has purposed Cara-Marie to be whether that’s being number 1 and in the spotlight or whether it means being number 23, playing the background and being the best number 23 I can be.
Life is worth Living Pilgrims, even when it hurts!