I’m super frustrated right now.
Another post written in tears!! I’ve become a crier.
My fiancé is at work so I can’t simply call him up to console me and I know God is looking at me telling me it’s okay to feel this way, but I’m still bothered by it.
Today is difficult.
I miss her everyday and in general I think I’ve been making strides to celebrate her with smiles rather than be brought to tears by my memories of her. I’m crying like I heard she flew away this morning. It still hurts. It’s still so fresh.
I have a headache from all the water works.
It’s just so unreal.
Okay…I’m trying to redirect myself here…
Kaiya Castillo was as brilliant and beautiful as she was resilient. She had the sweetest face, the kindest eyes, and the sharpest sass you could ever come across in a 15 year old. She was wise beyond her years and with pinpoint precision she would get to your heart.
I miss her so much because she was such a major part of my life.
Her and her mother literally took me in as their own – we became family.
Kaiya was on 24-hour oxygen when I met her. She loved to love, loved to be kind, loved to be fabulous and loved to laugh! Laughing was difficult for her because she had Cystic Fibrosis – C.F. (a disease where thick sticky mucus builds up in the lungs).
However, just before turning 16 she was blessed to have a double lung transplant. She survived it. And she continued to make the most of her life and lived another 17 months before being called Home.
She’s home now. Laughing as hard as she wants to. Probably laughing at me for not being able to eat yet because I’m in protest of missing her, and we both know better, I’m a foodie!!
I couldn’t make this post all about wedding planning. Not when someone as special as Kaiya was on my heart in a major way.
My wedding will be an event where I will feel her physical absence, along with the absence of a few others who Danny and I would have loved to be there, mainly his father.
I endured something similar once at my college graduation. I did my best to remember her because she was such a major part of those three years in college. Those moments are difficult.
I remember one conversation with Kaiya –
Kaiya – Will I be one of your bridesmaids?
Me – Of course you will! Whenever I find someone to get married to.
Kaiya – :looks at me seriously and sternly says: Cara
Me – Yes.
Kaiya – Cara. We both know who you’re going to marry. (At this point she’s disgusted with me! LOL)
Me – No, WE don’t. Who?
Kaiya – Daniel!
Me – (laughs) Yeah…no. We don’t know that.
Kaiya – You know you are. Even I know you are. I don’t like him because I don’t know why you guys won’t just be together but, (she pauses and smiles a little) I still want to be a bridesmaid.
Me – (laughing) Whatever you say Kaiya.
…and now it is just as she said.
When I get married my initials will be C.F.
And although she won’t physically walk down the aisle as my bridesmaid – she will walk down the aisle, I fully intend to keep that promise to her.
I’m weak. Probably from the tears and lack of food. But it was necessary for me to write this and remember her in this way.
We definitely had a big sister little sister relationship – but usually I was the little sister, LOL.
She taught me to stand up for myself. And she taught me to say “No,” and mean it and be at peace with it.
That’s definitely necessary when it comes to wedding planning.
This weekend I’ll be trying on Wedding Dresses, my original intent for today’s Wedding Wednesdays post was to talk all about that but that will just wait til next week.
Let’s remember to cherish each moment we share with the ones we love,