When Context Changes

I had an interesting Sunday, to say the least.

To be honest it was a bit overwhelming and exhausting.

To put things into perspective let me say that I went to bed after 3am Sunday morning and I had to be up by 7:30am (exhaustion) to make a meeting and then I went to church. However, after church I had an opportunity to spend some quality girl time with one of my friends who had a baby in March, and I hadn’t seen her (or met her baby boy) since before that time. That was great! (Pleasantly overwhelming).

I got back to my apartment after 5p. I turned on the TV and saw that one of my top 10 movies was on…Stepmom starring Julia Roberts (as the stepmom) and Susan Sarandon (the children’s terminally ill mother).

Stepmom was released in 1998 and while I don’t remember when exactly I watched it for the first time, I’m sure it was within the first two years of its release.

In all honesty when I decided to watch it again yesterday, I couldn’t remember why I had liked it so much that first time I watched it with my family…actually, it’s my mother I most remember watching it with that first time. I remember her really liking the movie as well. Maybe that’s what made it so memorable, those days my mother and I rarely connected, much less found something we both liked.

I could have never expected to respond the way I did when I watched the movie again yesterday. Ultimately I still enjoyed the movie but the lens I was now watching it through had changed dramatically – hence the title of this post – When Context Changes

When I first watched the movie Stepmom as a young tween the only framework I had of the concept of a stepparent was the one the movie provided, otherwise it was foreign to me. I grew up with both my parents. Even if I had friends that had a stepparent in their life it wasn’t an experience that was shared with me. “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” is played a couple times throughout the movie and while it was certainly song I knew and loved that song became more important to me over time. Terminal illness I understood a little more than the concept of stepparents, but not much more. I had an uncle pass away from Cancer in 1996 at the age of 26. I was young at the time and as he lived in Jamaica I did not witness (rather I did not notice) his body deteriorating. As a tween I had pictures and memories but I did not understand the weight of their importance.

Watching the movie this time around was very different because I was watching it from within a completely different context from all those years ago…(Overwhelming Part II and to the nth power)

To be frank, I cried my eyes out! at various points throughout the movie because it now hit way too close to home.

For one my boyfriend has a daughter. In fact, yesterday was her birthday (Happy 3rd Birthday AJ)! I can’t put into words how much I love this man except to say that I love him with all of me, he is my very best friend, the one my soul loves and the man I intend to marry and spend the rest of my days with. I haven’t met his daughter in person yet, but I have seen her and she’s absolutely wonderfully amazing in every way, I love her already!! With that being said I often worry about the details of becoming one with him and being accepted by his daughter and her mother.

Ugh. Somehow this blog brings out the painfully honest and transparent side of me. That’s annoying. Anyhoo…

So yeah, that would mean one day I would be a stepmom. Loving his daughter as my own would not be an issue its more so understanding my role, where I fit in within the context of her life and his relationship with her, and developing a sincere relationship with her mother. Whew. Now that that’s out there…the point is you can see how that changes things for me as far as watching the movie goes.

Then…

My love for music has allowed me to sometimes find songs that fit my relationships with certain people exactly, whether it’s because they directly correlate with a memory or they simply describe the relationship to a tee. Those songs become a kind of theme song for those relationships. When I was five years old I met this older girl who I immediately loved. Over the years we grew extremely close she adopted me as a little sister and knew me better than anyone else, she knew every secret, every fear…

Our theme song became “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” because we promised nothing would keep us from getting to each other for that shared sisterly support. Literally she was there whenever I needed her!

Time has passed and we’ve both grown. Just last week she gave birth to her second little girl. I wasn’t there. I was there for the birth of her first child but somehow I couldn’t find comfort in that. So much for not letting anything keep me from getting to her…

Life happened. Life got in the way. And I let it keep me from her. Hearing our song in the movie last night made me cry. I wished things weren’t as complicated as they have become, weren’t as complicated as perhaps I’ve made them by moving away from S. Florida. As if one time wasn’t enough the song was in two major scenes. Sigh.

Next…

Terminal illness. Writing that deflates me. If you’ve known me for any time or read some of my blog posts you may know that I had someone very close to me die from complications stemming from the Cystic Fibrosis disease. Cystic Fibrosis is considered a terminal illness. Kaiya passed away at only 17. Great…here I am crying…again…as I type this. Anyway, there’s a scene in the movie where Susan Sarandon’s character tells her ex-husband that she has Cancer and his response is that it should be me and immediately I started balling. From the time I met Kaiya and discovered how amazing she was and how devastating the Cystic Fibrosis disease was I wished it had been me. When she died, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was angry with God for not taking me instead. Kaiya was so vibrant, so fill of life and love, and she had so much to offer this often dismal world. Needless to that scene in the movie broke my heart all over again and reminded me of all the times I wished, prayed, pleaded with God to take her place or at the very least take her pain away. Which He did, just not in the way I wanted or expected…

Finally…

The importance of pictures and memories. Julia Robert’s character is a professional photographer and when it becomes apparent that Susan Sarandon’s character is dying Julia’s character uses her photography skills to capture (what everyone knows will be) precious moments and memories when Sarandon’s character passes. It hurt watching that because it reminded me of my many memories of Kaiya and the few pictures I have with her. The major difference is that in the movie everyone understands the importance of the pictures and the memories they’re creating but when I was taking those pictures and making those memories with Kaiya I had no idea what was to come.

 

 

 

 

 

Kaiya was a major part of my life. I pictured her there cracking jokes when I graduated from college and I certainly saw her as a bridesmaid on my wedding day and being present for her wedding on her wedding day…

Strange as this may sound I’m happy I reacted the way I did to the movie. It reminded me that I’m alive. That I’m able to feel. For someone who has struggled with hardening her heart and growing numb (in a futile effort to protect herself and make a rough life go easier on her feelings), it was good to know that all my conscious effort to remain open has kept me sensitive.

It’s good to feel. Though what we feel may not always feel good.

Life is a context that is ever changing. Cherish every moment Pilgrims!

-CM

I Am My Hair…

A lot of women of my ethnic persuasion have made the switch from relaxed to natural.

I’ve thought about it…and even attempted to transition to natural but in the end I decided that it just wasn’t for me.

Though India Arie’s song “I AM Not My Hair” is sweet – I’m here to disagree.

I Am My Hair.

Very much so.

All my friends who have gone natural have told me how much work it can be and at this stage in my life I’m not willing to commit to that. I get lazy even with straight relaxed hair. How much worse would that be if I went natural??? No thanks. I’ll pass.

Here is why my hair and I are one in the same…

We’re not fussy (usually you’ll find me wearing my hair up in a pony tail)

Slightly red. circa de 2009, 2010

We like to experiment…on a fundamental (or in the case of my hair a) chemical level…(I may not experiment much with hair styles but I LOVE coloring my hair! I like trying new things as well; This post’s cliche is: variety is the spice of life)

What you see is usually what you get (I’ve had weave in my hair maybe three times at most (in the form of braids), I do like wearing wigs sometimes…though that doesn’t happen often; as for me upon first encounter I come off as reserved when I’m really just being observant BUT whether fortunately or unfortunately I tend to wear my emotions on my face)

And most of all

We are resilient.

My hair has been neglected, mistreated, and cut down (so have I! Though, my hair usually only suffers at my hand versus the hand of someone else) but somehow it (we) always (bounce)s back!

My hair is resilient. I am resilient.

In 2011 I colored my hair (which I loved!) but got lazy and ended up having to cut my hair in December.Then I was contemplating going natural and started transitioning but again I got lazy and was in no mood to put up a fight with my thick hair (my hair is thick even when relaxed).

Up until this year I really haven’t been interested in taking care of it as I should but that’s all changed as I’m working towards getting my long locks back…even if that means not coloring it again once I get my length back.

Here are a few more photos from my hair journey –

College life. 2008. My hair was scraggly and was about the length it is now.

2009 in NY (brownish red color)

March 2011 That’s length I’m aiming for again.

March 2011 Bra Strap length – I want This length back!!

2013. Today. Hair length now at arm pit length.

 

 

 

 

2013. Today. We’ll get there. Au natural.

December 2011. Gradation. See how short it was cut in the back?

Guilt Trip.

I am a recovering people pleaser.

Ouch!

Yeah…there…I said it.

But I don’t just struggle with pleasing any and everyone. The issue only arises when it’s those matters and people that carry the most weight with me.

I don’t like to “disappoint” the ones in my inner circle.

I could have easily said I don’t like to disappoint the ones I love but I am doing my best to love everyone around me but not everyone’s opinion carries weight with me…

And I don’t feel bad about that because even Jesus had an inner circle.

People pleasing is a pride issue. Ultimately, at the center of people pleasing is a prideful desire to want to be liked, loved, and/or accepted, whether its a struggle to please a select few or to fit in with the crowd and please the masses, or at least those who can get you what you want or where you want to go.

My family pretty much plans a vacation (“trip”) every year, nothing wrong with that. But this year, I did not want to go. I also did not speak up. Until tonight.

I tried to get as hype as possible about it but in reality I was filled with dread, not because I don’t love being around my family but because I feel that there are other more pressing priorities at hand (i.e. getting my life together and establishing a more steady flow of income (in short having a more stable job). Still, because my parents have helped me out (and continue to help me) so much, I felt obligated to go and to feign a happiness about the impending trip that I really wasn’t feeling. I even attempted to make myself feel better by asking my friend to come along, even when my friend agreed, it didn’t help, in fact I felt worse.

I had to come to the realization that regardless of what everyone else wanted or what everyone else thinks, within myself, I don’t want to go on this trip. I called my mother to break the news to her literally within the last hour.

Now, let me state that my parents do not try to control me using money…at least they do not do that intentionally. They are indeed great, loving parents, who despite our many disagreements are extremely supportive. Though, they are imperfect (like all of us) and though we have had our share of “moments”, I acknowledge and applaud the fact that they have always done their best with raising three children.

However, the fact remains that with them gladly helping me out when they can, a weighty sense of obligation comes upon me to do what they ask (which comes off more like telling me), when they ask me to do it (i.e. going on this vacation).

The feeling of obligation (aka The Guilt Trip) would come when I would be asked by those in my inner circle (family, friends) to do something I did not want to do because it either went against where I was (whether mentally or physically) at the moment or because it was extremely inconvenient; even so because I felt those reasons were either selfish or not good enough I would agree rather than decline.

In the past, I would give in to those guilt trips more often than not. It wouldn’t matter how uncomfortable it may be or how stretched or pressed for time I already was, I would usually agree to do something to avoid any ill feeling on the other person’s end even if it lead to headache and heartache for me.

But I have learned that living like that will burn you out. It can lead to physical breakdown (in the form of sickness) and it can also cause emotional and social problems including but not limited to bitterness, resentment and living like a hermit. “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The older I get the harder it is for me to put up with unwarranted feelings of guilt.

The only way, ONLY way to avoid guilt trips is to know your limit, know that sometimes you do have to put your sanity and emotional well being first and to speak up! 

The more I practice this, the easier it becomes and the more I see that often times my perception of the other person’s response is generally really skewed. For the most part those people I “let down” do not respond in the negative way I thought they would. When we are transparent people are generally more understanding than we think they will be. This is not always the case of course, and wisdom is definitely needed. But whether the person’s response is positive or negative you need to speak up because you are important and your sanity is needed too.

Our lives are gifts from God given to us. We cannot spend all our days trying to live it according to others or to please others, ultimately we are only accountable to One. Yes! We should use our gift of life to serve others but to live according to them? No.

People pleasing is not living, it’s existing. We were given the gift of life to LIVE not to simply exist.

To sum it all up, I told my mother I didn’t want to go on the guilt trip, oops, I meant family vacation, LOL! She took it a lot better than I expected, though, I really should have spoken up sooner (Hey! I’m still learning…I said recovering remember? lol) because that would have minimized the damage. I’m sure she doesn’t understand completely but she is aware of my decision and  cannot be surprised when I don’t go.

“Disappointing” people is a necessary growing pain for those recovering people pleasers like myself. Sometimes the feelings after declining and potentially disappointing someone suck but they are short lived and it is definitely necessary.

In an effort to cover up the pride at the center of people pleasing, people pleasers often convince themselves that in always doing what others want they are doing good…but the truth is this:

When each of us walks our own path, that’s when we are able to do the most good.

Walk tall. Say “No” when it’s necessary. And Remember you matter, too.

Much Love & Light to you Pilgrims,

– The Girl Who Lived

Why I’m Ditching Social Media

The Age of Social Media.

I have officially decided that Social Media is bad for my health.

My mental health. My spiritual health. My emotional health.

While my physical and financial health are not affected by social media, 3 out of 5 still adds up to be the majority. Social Media negatively affects my health way too much!

No bueno.

What do I mean?

I get distracted way too easily. I used to tell people that I have the worst case of undiagnosed A.D.D.

Seriously, bright colors, thought hopping…

“Oh, were you saying something? Mmmm (just nod and smile Car nod and smile)”

Rather than using social media for the useful tool it can be I have allowed social media to become a HUGE distraction. Ugh. There I go taking responsibility for my actions in the form of a confession. Eww. Yuck. Gross. :Sticks out tongue: I digress. (See what I mean about A.D.D.?) Anyhoo…moving on…or else back to what I was saying…I have allowed Social Media to become a HUGE distraction.

And while I am oh so tempted to make myself look better by offering some kind of excuse and saying something like “Even though I don’t use it that much,” or at least clarifying that I’m Not a creeper who uses social media to stalk people…that’s neither here nor there.

It really doesn’t matter how often I use social media, it’s the way I use it, or at least the way I’m tempted to use it.

I’m an introvert at heart. I value sincere social interaction not the shallow stuff social media offers. I don’t want to forget that and I find that social media often tempts me to forget.

You see, Social media has allowed people to create (or else re-create) themselves. Most everyone on Instagram, or Facebook, or Twitter, etc., is leading this AMAZING life that we should care about and therefore follow for updates ( :rolls eyes: ). That’s what social media is selling and I’m not buying it. Not anymore.

Ever notice how everyone is always smiling in their pictures??? Social Media encourages us to share every aspect of our lives with our “public” no matter how large or small that public may be. We do this through posting photos on Instagram or checking in to places on Facebook, or by tweeting some profound thought on Twitter. But in reality Social Media is teaching us to hide our true selves and to show only what we think people want/need to see. And people don’t need to see us at our lowest point, oh no! And they certainly don’t want to see us with no make-up on….

No, we have to convince our public that we are living the fabulous life that all is well in our world. We have to convince our public that in some way they need to want to be us…whether it’s a need to want to have our pretty face, or our body shape, or our ultra awesome friends, or our perfect relationship with our significant other, or our finances, or our profound thoughts…

This was a sincere post, it was also my 36th post of my now 180 posts on Instagram. Smh.

We are compelled to convince our public to like us by highlighting what they may be lacking in their own lives because secretly we need to be validated. How sick is that!?!

It’s all a charade! Why? Because it doesn’t tell the whole story.

Of course there are exceptions! There are sincere people who choose to use those social media channels to share the ups and downs and twists and turns in their journey all in an effort to encourage others. But the overwhelming majority does not do this.

I am best able to be transparent about my own journey through this blog, those other channels often tempt me to only highlight the glamorous moments in my life. Enough of that!

The reality of it is I need to make moves! NOT waste time pretending I’m making moves on Social Media. Ya digg!?!

I’m not going to be all dramatic and shut down or deactivate my existing accounts…No. I have however deleted the apps on my phone. I won’t delete any pictures or posts already out there but there certainly won’t be any new ones for a long while.

I will continue to use social media but now only as a tool to remain in contact with my friends and family, to build solid business relationships and connections and for promoting others and any businesses or projects I’m affiliated with.

Practically speaking, that looks like a limited amount of time that has to be scheduled into my planner. Outside of those things and outside of that time, you won’t find me on there.

For updates and the complete story of my life and more so my thinking process filled with its ups and downs, its boring moments, ugly decisions, silly questions, and random thoughts see me here on my blog, that’s the real. Total transparency all in an attempt to encourage even one other someone else (Yes, I was an English major) to speak up or to remind them that they matter.

Care or don’t care, hate it or love it, agree or disagree, that’s where I am at present. If it’s not your cup of tea, leave it be. It was good while it lasted…I hope. LOL.

Dear Pilgrims,

We must find what makes us free, then we must do it and we must hold on to that freedom at all costs. If you’re following the crowd, then you’re not free my friend.

Live free!

-Some Call Me Car