My greatest problem is probably processing.
Over analyzing. Mental filters. Skewed perspectives. Working through my emotions. Grieving.
And for the last month or so God & I have been on a journey to open that side of me that I had closed off to the world, to everyone, to Him.
And it sucks!
Being sensitive hurts. GOD knows I’d much rather be numb! It’s easier for me to cope that way.
I realize now, that I fear pain. Not because of the feelings of discomfort it brings but because I fear it has the power to overwhelm me and make me crazy. I also can’t control how long the pain will last. I honestly believe that if there was an established time frame and if I knew how long it would last I would deal with it a little better. But pain doesn’t care about time frames or where you live or who you are.
Pain. It’s the monster that lives under your bed…the monster that’s never there when you look under the bed in the day time even though you believe it exists and expect it to be there…but the monster that knows you believe in it and chooses to attack you, at night, when you’re alone, and you never see it coming…
And you never know when you’ll be free from it.
I’m in pain. Apparently I have been for a very long time. For a number of different reasons. And I coped by going numb.
…and this exploration with God has only opened up a can of worms in my life.
When God and I are hammering away at that vaulted part of my heart there’s no political correctness. There’s no right, nice, well packaged, pretty way to feel such ugly emotions. Yet, God can handle it!
Me? I can’t take it! In my decision to surrender completely, totally, and utterly to God, I committed myself to sticking out this internal excavation and remodeling process. Yet, when I find myself in the fetal position, crumpled up like used tissue paper on the floor, alone, balling my eyes out, body convulsing from the ocean of tears and pent up emotions from years and years or maybe only moments ago…I tell God I want to quit. It hurts too much. I don’t know if I can see this thing through. I don’t know if I want to. And even wanting to turn back makes me feel like crap….like I’m a disappointment, like I can’t even keep my word to God!
But God is merciful! And He is kind! And I tell you in those same moments, I feel Him wash over me by His Holy Spirit, and I feel Him wrap me in His arms and He loves me and tells me that though this process is ugly and while yes it is an insult to my system, I can make it, I can get through it, I am still beautiful and the end result will be worth it…I can’t see the end now. But I’m committed to trusting GOD completely. And so by God’s grace and by His strength I am able to make it from one moment to the next. Emotionally I’m super volatile right now. But again, God can handle it.
I believe in honesty. I believe in transparency.
And this week I have seen God move in a miraculous way on my behalf providing me with the very thing I needed proving to me that He is indeed El Roi – the God who sees me. But the school shooting that took place in Newtown, CT, it devastated me! Part of the reason God wants us all to be sensitive is so that we can have the ability to be compassionate. I get that. But what I felt yesterday didn’t feel like compassion – but God in his patience and infinite wisdom is showing me and telling me otherwise.
This morning I went to corporate prayer at church, poured out my heart to God and celebrated His Sovereignty, but when I came home I got back in bed and was in a gloomy stupor for the majority of the day. Still unable to wrap my head around the grief these parents must be experiencing, thinking about how in four days it will be one year since my friend Joyia Kelly passed, missing Kaiya and struggling to think about a second Christmas without her. My newly sensitive heart felt like it would give out under the weight of those thoughts…
I wrote this yesterday. And finally late this evening I was able to muster up enough strength to record it.
I guess that’s been part of this process, too. Finding my voice. And God has shown me that finding my voice again is important because my voice is not for me. It’s for those who may not be able to articulate what it is they feel. But writing has always been the opening I used me to express myself. I haven’t written very much this year….
This is the result of working with God to process my emotional response to that school shooting yesterday at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT. May GOD comfort those who are mourning and experiencing loss and devastation they have never known before. I’m a wreck! I can’t even begin to imagine how those people are feeling. But God specializes in broken hearts and contrite spirits. Let us remember those families and pray for them. Let’s pray that more people would come to know Jesus as Lord and Savior, not just so we can take comfort in knowing that they are in heaven when they die but so that the evil and hatred that can well up in the hearts of people who don’t know Jesus to the point where heinous crimes and atrocities such as these are the result, will be saved and evil like this can be thwarted. It’s a battle we’re in! One of eternal and cosmic proportions. This is spiritual warfare!
I thank GOD that at the very least we have a hope that we can cling to! Even when pain seems like it will overwhelm me and like my heart will give out, it is my hope in God that keeps me sane. And I’ve been suicidal before – Ouch that may be too honest – but GOD saved me from that. He literally intervened, He stepped in, and for whatever Sovereign reason, He did not allow it to be so. My GOD is mighty to save! He can save! He is Sovereign!
My GOD is greater! My GOD is stronger! God, You are higher than any other. My GOD is healer! Awesome in power! My God! My GOD!
Greater than my heart, my limitations, and the fallacies of our logic. Stronger than the evil in this world. Higher in His thoughts and ways. Hearer of unnatural cries. Healer of wounded spirits and broken hearts. Awesome in power because He is unshakeable, unchangeable, and unstoppable. To Him be the glory, honor, and power…forever!