*Writing has always been and continues to be the best way for me to cope*
You are beautiful.
You are soft almond-shaped eyes beautiful.
You are 84 pounds beautiful.
You are fair skin, button nose, pinch-able cheeks and pouted lips, beautiful.
You are strong, black and blue bruises beautiful.
You were 17
That made you old enough to be the youngest dancing queen
(And boy could you dance off your coccyx)
…but ABBA had other plans for you.
I miss you beautiful
But like butterflies always do
You flew away
Into the arms of the Heavenly Father
Who decided you would suffer no more on this imperfect earth.
I miss you.
But I do not miss the bubbling of your oxygen machine
I do not miss you being prodded and poked at
I do not miss the clicks and whirs of machines that are monitoring your heart and lungs
I’m tempted to
Because that would signify that you were still here
But how selfish would it be of me to keep you here
Knowing the quality of life would be less than what you deserved
Still at times I feel as fragile in spirit as you were in body
But your example
Taught me to persevere even when it hurts
I’m human. So I grieve.
But not with a hopeless devastation
It’s with a hopeful expectation to meet you
At heaven’s gate someday.
I’m human. So I grieve.
And it’s because I miss that you.
You’re no longer physically present here with me.
I miss you sly remarks.
I miss the wisdom you possessed that was beyond your years.
I miss your contagious laugh.
I miss your zest for life
And mashed potatoes, corn, fried chicken and theological conversations at 1 o’clock at night.
I miss the warmth of your hug, smile of your heart, the knowing in your eyes.
I miss your “I love you Car”s
Sometimes it hurts because I miss you so much.
I am surprised that the world is still turning and life has go on so quickly…
I almost hate it for that.
Today was difficult but loving you is worth it.
The only thing I wish is that the whole world had the opportunity to be loved by you,
The way I was for those two years.
If they had, then maybe
People would be slow to complain
And quick to heal.
Maybe they would actually be able to bear one another’s burdens
Despite their own pain.
Maybe they would smile and laugh their way through their struggles
The way you did.
And because of your example the people of this world would have always persevered.
Keep an eye on heaven’s gate.
Look for me
Because I’ll be where you are someday.