Chasing the Horizon

“I live in the horizon/Where the earth and sky end/Where like long lost lovers/They melt into each others’ arms/Sighing…” – Me

On the Chase...View from my side view

Yesterday was a really good day. I spent a good deal of my day with my brother (in fact I’m with him still, pulling an almost all-nighter, I have work at 8a) and at first it was a little tough because he wasn’t in a good mood but once he shook it off – we got back to doing what we do best when we’re together – buggin’ out! And for me that means plenty of laughter.

Amidst all the laughter – I thought about how much my siblings mean to me. I’ve learned a great deal from all three of them. With graduation only two weeks away and my final decision made to move out of Florida I can’t help but think about how much I’m going to miss them.

Change is good, especially when it’s positive and this next step in life is a positive one and it belongs to me.I’m moving forward.

In the past two days or so I’ve realized (or been reminded) that…

It’s okay to say “No” and it’s okay to think about myself.

”]

That sounds simple enough but I think very few people know or understand my struggle with saying “No” to people. My dear Kaiya told me this over and over again :in her diva voice: “Cara! You really need to learn how to say “No”, it’s okay…practice saying it with me “No”…okay now get me some water…” :I move to get the water, she says: “Didn’t I just tell you you can say “no”…okay no but for real you can get me my water.” LMBO. She put me through it, and I still didn’t really learn my lesson. Quite honestly I believe I was at the point where one could label me as being Co-dependent.

Co-dependency is defined as “behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice and negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It often involves placing a lower priority on one’s needs, while being excessively pre-occupied with the needs of others.” Co-dependent people are actually inverted narcissists and “In everyday life the inverted narcissist ‘demands anonymity … uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him … [with] praise that cannot be deflected.'” (Thank you Wikipedia!) At first glance that might not seem so bad – I mean especially as a Christian self-sacrifice for others is what it’s all about right? And all this time I was just being humble.

Gosh As I’m reading this I realize how much this sounds like me – here are some of the traits I possess that are characteristic of co-dependent people

  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same way (Yeap…I take on people’s feelings, ALL the time)
  • I’m uncomfortable with any attention paid to me
  • I have difficulty making decisions. (I thought being indecisive was normal!)
  • I judge everything I thing, say or do harshly. (People have been telling me to go easy on myself and I never could really understand what they were saying to me…”)
  • I avoid confrontation. (Ugh, I hate that this is true)
  • I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable (Again. Super true. I struggle with being vulnerable that’s why I’m working so hard to be transparent)
  • I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away. (Dag…this describes me exactly)
  • I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. (I used to hate crying, I thought it was a sign of weakness)
  • I have obsessive, compulsive thinking patterns and cannot focus on daily activities (I totally live in my head! It was to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night because my mind was on ON a million thoughts going a mile a minute)

…Um, I’m going to stop now. It’s unsettling the way some of these statements describe me exactly, ugh, but it’s okay because maybe I once was co-dependent but thank GOD HE’s teaching me to grow out of that.Seriously though, it was to the point that whenever I thought about myself and my feelings I felt bad, even though the thoughts were normal, and as simple as needs or desires – I would feel horrible for thinking about myself! Not only that but as much as I love photography I loathed people taking pictures of me. Especially with my camera! I would just about die. (And I’m not even exaggerating here.)

I grew up in the spotlight to some extent as it concerns church but that was not by choice. I have always liked to play the background even though people find some way to be attracted to my personality (my sister calls it the Esther spirit). I was content with living in the shadows of others. I embraced it to the point that I would even try to hide in their shadows – always Eric and Elaine’s daughter, Kerry’s sister, Daniel’s girlfriend, or whatever. I convinced myself that I would not live up to the standards that these people had set by simply being themselves and I silenced my voice, and later found it again in writing. Even with that, no matter how many compliments I received I never thought my writing was up to par. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy.  I resigned myself to always being in someone’s shadow and being viewed as the sweet, innocent and naive girl that was young at heart and who could be manipulated. But none of that matters anymore. Excuses won’t hold up in the light of God’s countenance.

GOD stood up for me and stood up to me when I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. HE’s made it quite clear that HE will only stand up for me as long as I’m teachable and willing to learn from Him as HE teaches me how to speak up and stand up for myself. Honestly its one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn…so far. But I am learning.

I’m excited  to move. To the horizon I go.

With all that being said (above) I’m thoroughly excited about graduating from college in two weeks. I’m ready to launch out on my own. I’m ready to have to finally deal with myself on my own. I’m ready to start a fresh chapter in a new state, in a new city, in a new community and Lord willing in a new university.

It’s going to be absolutely thrilling.

Rollercoaster rides are also thrilling…they’re also scary as heck and heart-stopping. I’m sure this move will be quite the ride and that I’ll have plenty of bouts with homesickness. Nevertheless, I refuse to be anxious. I “have come this far by faith, leaning on the Lord…HE never failed me yet” and the best part about it is. He won’t fail me. He can’t fail! It’s not in His character. With so much inconsistency in the world, in people and even in myself I thank GOD that I have an intimate relationship with Him, a GOD (the Only wise and living GOD) that is Undefeated. Unstoppable. Unshakeable. And Unchangeable. What a relief it is to rest in Him!

Love is a Leap.

”]Life is a journey…and “falling” in love is a risk we must choose to take while we’re on it. I won’t be jumping into any romantic relationships any time soon. I’m not even entertaining the idea until May of next year, I’m committed to solidifying my intimate relationship with Christ over the next six months. I’ve been single for almost three years anyway, so why rush?

However, when the time is right, I will be ready because already I have a better idea of what I’m bringing to the table and what I should expect in return.

The man who decides to take a romantic interest in me must be one who loves GOD – like it must break this man’s heart to break God’s heart because he is a man after God’s on heart. Digg me? It’s important that this man knows what’s important in life and his obvious priorities express that. I need a man strong enough to handle my (sometimes extreme) emotional responses, and who will be patient with me when I’m moody or indifferent. I’d like a man who expresses his love with words and actions and isn’t ashamed or afraid to do so. I’d like him to be humble but confident, fun and willing to try new things but also able to carry on a conversation about a range of topics and if he’s a logophile he’ll be a keeper. :winks: I’m also not compromising on the 6’0 or taller req because my children’s height depends on it! LOL

If that sounds like a Christmas list then I apologize but it is what it is. And I’m so proud my list is not as shallow as it once was. That’s GOD! LOL

Final Thing,

I Trust GOD. Wherever I may be. Good Times and Bad Times I will bless the Lord!

GOD is Love. The quintessence of. Take notes - never mind just read the Bible!

It’s been a tumultuous year for me. A year filled with really high highs and really low lows. There were times I didn’t think I would make it. There were times I wanted to throw in the towel. There were times I wished God would just leave me alone! (LOL silly girl, I’m so glad HE didn’t!) There were times I wished to die because I didn’t want to go on with life…I didn’t feel like I could. Especially when Kaiya left me for glory. But thank GOD HE has seen me through to the last month of this year.

I don’t know what 2012 holds But I am beyond excited and through the good and the bad GOD has proven faithful and HE is worthy of my praise. I won’t withhold that from Him. HE is up to great things and there is greatness HE has placed within me to share with others as I go about my life’s journey and that’s what I’m going to do and not with a false sense of humility either.

Loving you…

Grace.&.Peace Pilgrims

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