Finding My Happiness

I’ve often told people

That if I were not a Christian I would certainly be a Hedonist.

“Do whatever FEELS good”

It’s so easy – and who doesn’t like instant gratification

And results when you want them

This week has really been the pits for me

I realized that I still have not really been dealing with the Kaiya’s death

…and what’s worse “You put Nala in danger” (ok, no…lol, sorry random Lion King moment)

On an extremely serious note I used my not coping with her death as an excuse to grow cold and calloused

To become indifferent and nonchalant

To lack motivation and zest for life

To make irrational and irresponsible decisions

All in an effort to FEEL better

or

FEEL happy [again]

And none of that has really been working

It actually backfired because I found that I was frustrated with this new machine I had become

I didn’t know how to work it

I found that I didn’t care about much of anything anymore-

And it affected everything:

My school work

My prayer life

My Bible readingĀ  time

My private time with GOD

Even more disturbing is the way I managed to ACT normal, smile, laugh at the appropriate times, do good things, perform acts of service and even say the right things even though inside I felt nothing. It was all in an effort to feel normal again…or not even normal just to feel anything at all. Anything other than anger and frustration at the futility of life and this world and of myself.

Today I realized that my sanity was in jeopardy and had it not been for this wall I’d built up to remove myself from myself so I can really see what’s going on quite possibly I could have flown off the edge. But GOD. So much is happening. So much is going on and most of it I cannot control. What I could control I was not approaching the right[eous] way, and the worst part is I felt no way about it. But I see the error of my ways. I have decided to stand up for myself and not my fleshy self either but I’m making a stand for my spirit man because he’s stronger than I give him credit for. So that means cutting off unhealthy relationships. That means not finding validation in the words or opinions of others. I’m no longer living to make anybody proud of me. The praise and compliments of man no longer carry weight with me. I have made mistakes. But I must allow them to shape me into who GOD created me to be. Live in today. Think on the good.

Self-care is not selfishness. I have to genuinely feel compassion for myself before I can truly feel it for anyone else. I have realized that I must find my happiness within myself. Happiness is in GOD and GOD lives in me, only Him and I can decide my fate. He orders my steps and I walk in them. Often times these steps cross paths with others on their journey and we are meant to share in each others joys, pains, successes, triumphs, and failures but our happiness cannot be based or built on people.

All is not optimal in my world at the moment but I thank GOD for His patience and this time to recalibrate and find myself in Him.

Praying for you as I pray for myself…

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4 thoughts on “Finding My Happiness”

  1. This post is so vulnerable! And I not only appreciate your honesty, but I’m inspired by the love that is growing for yourself within yourself. Death is something that everyone deals with differently. And I can relate! Tomorrow I’ll be at a memorial service for my minister’s parents. I’m not frightened, per ce, but the tension is building as the day slowly approaches. I don’t do well with death. I don’t grieve like other people grieve. In fact, despite the circumstances that caused said death, I ultimately feel a sense of relief and blessing about it. I agree that death is, often times, unpleasant….but who’s not excited about heading home to meet your Father??? This life is just a waiting room until the glorious day we are admitted into the Kingdom. But I understand that being excited about “death” is not only morbid, but socially unacceptable. So I just redirect my hopefulness and reverence toward caring for those who are grieving.

    In saying all this, I don’t think it’s healthy to be cold hearted about a death, but also– don’t consider your “numbness” a bad thing. God allows each and every one of us to cope in different ways. If being indifferent is how you are best able to handle a difficult situation in the beginning, let that be your gateway toward prayers for healing. You could be temporarily indifferent, and use that to avoid a complete breakdown. You could be temporarily indifferent, and use that to fuel a new passion for Christ. HE wants you to lean on Him when you experience hardship.

    As for unhealthy relationships, I’ve also had some difficult decisions to make recently, so you’re not alone! The most important part is knowing that you’re making these sacrifices for your relationship with God. You don’t have anyone to please but your Father! One of these days, you’re going to find a man who has GOD flowing through him, and said man will know the right words to say, and the right things to do, as he is inspired by God. We talked about this! Don’t settle for mediocre (this has always been my dilemma!). While we can’t expect perfection, He instills expectations in us so that we can find the perfect match. If ever you doubt, it’s not worth the trouble!

    Lastly, I think your acknowledgment of needing to be self-satisfied before attempting to satisfy anything or anyone else is SO imperative to your Christian walk. It’s basically fruitless to be someone else’s catch-all if you don’t have it together. But I have faith that you’ll be a great partner once YOU, yourself believe you will be a great partner. So keep your head up, and keep at it.

    Stay blessed, love.

    Like

    1. Samantha it’s so good to know I have a friend like you that shares my passion for blogging and honesty…thanks for the encouragement love. We can make it!! Not on our own strength of course but by God’s grace and mercy and by His Spirit!

      Love you.

      Like

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