I’ve often told people
That if I were not a Christian I would certainly be a Hedonist.
“Do whatever FEELS good”
It’s so easy – and who doesn’t like instant gratification
And results when you want them
This week has really been the pits for me
I realized that I still have not really been dealing with the Kaiya’s death
…and what’s worse “You put Nala in danger” (ok, no…lol, sorry random Lion King moment)
On an extremely serious note I used my not coping with her death as an excuse to grow cold and calloused
To become indifferent and nonchalant
To lack motivation and zest for life
To make irrational and irresponsible decisions
All in an effort to FEEL better
FEEL happy [again]
And none of that has really been working
It actually backfired because I found that I was frustrated with this new machine I had become
I didn’t know how to work it
I found that I didn’t care about much of anything anymore-
And it affected everything:
My school work
My prayer life
My Bible reading time
My private time with GOD
Even more disturbing is the way I managed to ACT normal, smile, laugh at the appropriate times, do good things, perform acts of service and even say the right things even though inside I felt nothing. It was all in an effort to feel normal again…or not even normal just to feel anything at all. Anything other than anger and frustration at the futility of life and this world and of myself.
Today I realized that my sanity was in jeopardy and had it not been for this wall I’d built up to remove myself from myself so I can really see what’s going on quite possibly I could have flown off the edge. But GOD. So much is happening. So much is going on and most of it I cannot control. What I could control I was not approaching the right[eous] way, and the worst part is I felt no way about it. But I see the error of my ways. I have decided to stand up for myself and not my fleshy self either but I’m making a stand for my spirit man because he’s stronger than I give him credit for. So that means cutting off unhealthy relationships. That means not finding validation in the words or opinions of others. I’m no longer living to make anybody proud of me. The praise and compliments of man no longer carry weight with me. I have made mistakes. But I must allow them to shape me into who GOD created me to be. Live in today. Think on the good.
Self-care is not selfishness. I have to genuinely feel compassion for myself before I can truly feel it for anyone else. I have realized that I must find my happiness within myself. Happiness is in GOD and GOD lives in me, only Him and I can decide my fate. He orders my steps and I walk in them. Often times these steps cross paths with others on their journey and we are meant to share in each others joys, pains, successes, triumphs, and failures but our happiness cannot be based or built on people.
All is not optimal in my world at the moment but I thank GOD for His patience and this time to recalibrate and find myself in Him.
Praying for you as I pray for myself…