Only Those Living Have Scars

***This is a poem I revised last night. I wrote the original probably late 2009 early 2010…I was obviously going through it LOL

 

I have come through a sea of tears

Cutting up my hands

As I pieced together the shattered shards of my heart

I’ve had to resist the vengeful hedonist twin residing in my consciousness

And I wear my battle scars with pride

Each time I look at them they remind me of my identity

They remind me I’m alive

One glance awakening memories of how I came to be this way

So I smile

I acknowledge the ugly scars

…and then I smile

 

Some things cannot be explained

Only felt

Even then all the words in the world’s dictionaries may never do those emotions

Justice

Just as the knowledge obtained from each experience

Can never be fully articulated

How can I

Share all the implicit messages tied between the lines of those messages

That were crystal clear

 

There’s not much that I know

But what I do know – I’m sure of

And what I know is this

I’m changing

I’ve changed

Constantly being molded

By infallible truth

I won’t stay the same

 

…And since I’m not in control

It is without fear

That I continue to bare my heart and soul

Despite the fragility of my heart

Because I already know how to be put back together

 

There was a time

I was afraid to float on my own

It was so much easier to sink

Say my prayers

And hope that someone would come in time

To save me before going down for the last time

 

I was afraid to lay back

And let my ocean of tears carry me safely to shore

To that corner in my mind

Where insight abides

A place where I could be reminded that

My past does not dictate my future

Although it can help me choose the right paths to take

A place where I could be reminded

That loving is easy

And letting go is hard

But it’s worth it in the end

Everyone is not the same

And I’m not solely the the sum total of all my experiences

Because I don’t have to be what experience says

 

If she’s not me then I don’t have to try and be that girl

I’ve made her acquaintance and she and I are not the same

 

And so

I won’t be that girl-

The one who is afraid to cry

Because she thinks it’s a sign of weakness

The one who is afraid to laugh too loud

For fear of being stared at

Or

Is afraid to love because she was hurt

 

I won’t do it

I won’t be that girl

 

The girl who can’t have fun because she is too self conscious

The girl who can’t be happy because she’s feeling insecure

The girl who thinks

And says

That all men are the same

That all men are dogs

That all men are cheaters

Unknowingly speaking that reality into all her romantic relationships

 

I won’t be that girl

The one who will nag for attention

But then bites her tongue

Too afraid to really speak her mind

The girl

Who’s heart skips a beat

Out of fear

Every time “her man” is out of reach

Or on his phone in her presence

Or in the company of other women

 

You know the one…

The one who is constantly checking

Bank account statements

Phone bills

His emails

Text messages

Facebook messages

…And whatever other information she can get her hands on

 

That girl

The one who stays with someone out of fear of being alone

Afraid of her own shadow

And deathly afraid of the unknown

A woman of worth who deserves so much more

But is blinded by her own

Shortcomings

Insecurities

And experiences

And so she settles

Simply because its easier

 

I’ve made her acquaintance and she and I are not the same

 

So I vow to be me

This woman that I am

And the woman I’m becoming

Molded by infallible truth

This woman I am…

And she smiles wide

And laughs hard

She dances free

And sings loud

She has fun

She takes risks

That she is me

This woman I am

And if and when I make a mistake

I will learn from them

 

I vow

To run to

And not away from

A challenge

I’m tired of retreats

Of never living in the moment

Of always letting the many “What If”s control me

And no more will I ignore the God given intuition

That kept me alive

That kept me afloat

That kept me going

I’m not afraid to cry

I’m not afraid to love

I’m not afraid to hurt

I’m not afraid to heal

I won’t waste my life being afraid to succeed

The worst thing I can do

Now

Is be afraid to give all of me

This woman I am

She has scars

Many, many scars

But every time I look at them

I smile

They remind me

Of my identity

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