I’ve been made to standout but I’m not seeking to be seen. I’d be content if people saw through me and got past this frail vessel to the light the Christ in me. I’m good with transparency. And I’m not keeping secrets for myself. I’m going to snitch on myself whenever I have to because integrity is key, what you see is what you get no surprises. I’m not going to fall in the dark and front in the light like everything’s okay. Accountability is necessary in the life of the believer. With that being said here’s something I wrote recently, it’s pretty bad, but praise God because I’ve overcome!! By His grace. He held on tight and wouldn’t let me get away…
I’m beginning to wonder if
everyone is allowed to, is entitled to wake up one morning and feel like the scum of the earth
Is that the feeling that drives people to the edge from which they never return from- I wonder if that’s how people feel when they believe they’re too far gone – God couldn’t possibly want me or want to use me…not when the life he’s given has been wrecked
Not by Him of course but by intentionally taking the wrecking ball & putting it to my own life.
I couldn’t sleep last night & I thought about my life & how unhappy I can make myself & try to make myself & allow other things to make me…Life has been good to say anything else would be ungrateful but instead of focusing on being grateful all the lowlights of my life so far filled my mind & I honestly felt like I was on the edge of sanity. When I got out of the bed I purposely avoided the mirror. I didn’t even want to look at myself. Because myself is-was a monster, (I’m currently in the position of that dash fighting to be was instead of is). And I really felt my true, fragile, flaky feelings – I don’t like myself or being myself. And that’s so silly right!?! Of course it is because God has me right where He wants me in this holding pattern & He knows His plan…I know this – so what gives??
Its not God who’s the problem. Its not people. Its not anybody in particular – its really me. I’ve been really foolish – I feel like I have been my whole life really. & I know I may be being dramatic. But that’s how it happened in my head. I don’t know what I want but I thought I did. I thought a husband sooner than later and eventually children. & my footsteps measured another’s for the longest time. It’s seriously uncanny what happened to them happened to me. But then I turned 21 and realized my plan had come to naught. Nothing went according to my plan & yes I know God has a plan but I felt bamboozled and mislead. If I was supposed to be the carbon copy of someone else as I had been up until a certain point then why was I not on the brink of marriage? And I looked back & I saw a hypocrite. Someone who is struggling & so bloody inconsistent. Someone who on the edge of 22 has nothing of her own. Nothing & I’m not talking about a husband or family I’m talking car, apartment, clothes. Nothing that I’ve really worked hard for or done for myself to be proud of or brag about if I was arrogant enough. The sum total of my romantic relationships is that I fell in love (or was it lust??) at the wrong time with the wrong person and was screwed over in the process & yet I’m still called to walk in love and people think I’m at his beck & call & everyone thinks I’m this love sick puppy & I even wonder what it is that’s going on & there have been other guys but they seem to be dudes who just want to do me or lay ownership to me. My self esteem is shot as a result of thinking on that and I feel like crap. And then on top of that I interfere hurt the ones closest to me. Showing how wreckless I am – I’d never want to take anyone down with me if I thought I was on a downward spiral but especially not the ones I love most. And I’ve found that I can’t even trust myself with that, hurt people hurt people.
And I’m so twisted because in the midst of being a shallow, selfish, insecure person I still manage to think of other ways to make myself crazy by living in the past & remembering stuff like crossing boundaries with someone who dogged me or not having a title I want or felt entitled to. What the heck is wrong with me??? I should be over it. And I convince myself that I am but there are moments where I relive that kind of stuff and more. I feel like I’m no better than all these people who look to me for help and the truth is I’m not. When I finally caught my reflection in the mirror today I got sick to my stomach & then someone gingerly hugged me & I could have cried. I hope no one ever says they want to be like me. And I know I’m like bashing myself in the worst but trust me I’ll be okay…
Whew, what was that?? Madness I tell you. I played right into the hand of the enemy but thank God that even when it seems you’re playing into the hand of the enemy if you’re in the hand of God He will not let you go. He said no man can pluck us out of His hand. I felt like I was going to lose my mind over all this self inflicted destruction but at the same time I knew God wasn’t going to let me go there. And yes wallowing in guilt and focusing on your short comings is easy to do but that’s time wasted – time that could be used to do something more productive for example having devotion with a beloved cousin who needs the word in Afghanistan. I have to remind myself that focusing on myself isn’t going to keep me from falling only focusing on Jesus will because He can keep me. If we only looked at our feet instead of looking up we’d only end up tripping over ourselves. But Christ is the light – the bright spot in the night sky when the sun has almost set. He gets all the shine in my life because without Him I for one would be a raving maniac. But now I’m on my job racing like a maniac because I will see my Master soon enough – whether He comes for me or I go to Him.
There’s work to be done so fall in line. Keep your eyes on Jesus Christ He gets all the shine.
Now unto Him who is able to keep us from falling…
Sending massive love & light your way