A parody of my “love life”. Since it is a fictionalized narrative based loosely in fact it is important to note that names, places and details have been changed. Some details have been exaggerated and some have been excluded and some have been fabricated . Just another work of fictitious facts and what not…
“Let’s go back in time/When forever was a minute/And eternity was a second/I’m stressing that we/Gotta go back there/Let’s take it there…” – Alicia Keys
“Not everyone who chased the zebra caught it, but he who caught it chased it.” – South African Proverb
It started in 6th grade and I went about “relationships” the wrong way. First there was the musical prodigy it lasted for three days. Count ’em. 1.2.3. It ended on a note similar to this one –
Me: Sooooo are we still together?
Musical P: That’s for me to know and you to find out.
Me: Hmm…well…yea…see Mmmm…(:fist to mouth:) that doesn’t really work for me…soooo I’m gonna have to pass on that and just call it quits now. Thanks.
Then there was the Brit. He was the epitome of a long distance relationship. I know you might be thinking what’s 4437 miles??? Well when measured in $5.00 phone cards London is really only $400 away. And it was cool. That was the first time I heard the words “I love you.” Scariest thing ever for a naive 14 year old. But no worries to calm my nerves I got sweet talked for as long as each $5.00 phone card allowed. Ooh I also got a white gold heart shaped necklace in the mail…and then a jail pen pal when he ended up doing some time for rough housing at a carnival. Yea. England doesn’t play that.
I suppose my history with jailbird is then partially responsible for my extended stay with Dr. Gentleman & Mr. IntelliThug. The tall silent type that made all the girls go goo-goo-ga-ga over him…all the girls except for me. I started out with the “Who he think he is” attitude. Upon the request of an elder I made nice. Turned out Dr. Gentleman was quite a genius. There I was thinking he was just another dude…no, how wrong I was. We had loads to talk about…I mean everything – politics, the state of the world, Africa, trivia, pop culture, even the Bible…what the Bible? Yea. The Bible. But we were just friends. Just friends. Did I mention this was the time that AIM was at its prime. Oh yea. That’s important to remember for this next part…
So one day I’m talking to Dr. Gentleman and he tells me he has to come off the phone. No biggie. That I can do. But then he says to sign on to Instant messenger. So Okay…why??? He has some stuff to do online. Ugh I guess. So I sign on and there we are chit chatting. And then the AOL man tells me “You’ve got mail.” and then Dr. Gentleman tells me I have mail. And I’m spinning in a tizzy like whoa whoa whoa. Too many people talking and typing at one time. LOL. So I go to read this email that Dr. Gentleman sends and its the coolest and in it he’s like will you be mine type and I’m like I’ll get back to you on that. I call my shrink, we talk it over and I decide yea this is something I want to do. I call Dr. Gentleman and I tell him “Yes! Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!” I wasn’t excited or anything. Serious face. LOL. And that marked the beginning of a serious stint.
So Dr. Gentleman is the bomb.com first he writes “I love u” in this dope city scene he draws with my name in it…wish I still had that it was nice. Then he says it. Then one day I say it. And I mean it. At least I thought I did. Anyhoo I’m young and in love (or love’s close cousin) and young as I am I’m like I could almost see myself with this young chap for a long long time except…Except for the fact that he’s an athlete and athletes are like musicians they have groupies out the ying yang…oh yea…that and the fact that he says he’s moving to New Jersey. Tried that long distance thing once. I know its not gonna work. So I figure I like him enough I’ll ask him to stay. And for a second he really considers it but through a series of events he ends up moving anyway. Sucks. But he”s like “Ayo we can work it.” And I’m game. So we try.
Turns out though that Dr. Gentleman is more like a Neo Soul song than I thought…He’s a line from a Lauryn Hill joint…”You’re just too good to be true.” Dr. Gentleman has an alter ego Mr. IntelliThug. Now I can’t tell you that Mr. IntelliThug was present from the outset of my relationship with Dr. Gentleman but it seems that he was Dr. Gentleman just did a very good job at keeping him under wraps. I can’t quite remember the first time I encountered Mr. IntelliThug. I think it was after Dr. Gentleman had disappeared for a couple days. My phone rings at an ungodly time of night but I answer because I’ve been looking forward to this. It’s Mr. IntelliThug on the phone and he’s mad, his co-workers have gotten under his skin and he’s not happy but then he starts huffing and puffing at me so I say the only thing I know to say “Who is this?” The dial tone is the response I receive. Oh heccccccck no. I know I was not just hung up on. Yes. Yes I was.
The next day I get a myspace message from Dr. Gentleman asking for help. I say sure. I’ll do what I can. Turns out though that Mr. IntelliThug really diggs me. So he starts making appearances more frequently. At first I’m upset. I like Dr. Gentleman way better. But then I start to think…hmmm…maybe they’re one in the same and Dr. Gentleman is a part that I get to see exclusively. Mr. IntelliThug is just that. An intelligent thug. I slowly start to like Mr. IntelliThug more and more. He was more protective of me in a double standard, pretty girl on a pedestal kind of way. And because I didn’t know better I liked it. Pretty soon I was the one dancing on tables singing “But he’s a ruffneck so that’s alright/…/Actin’ like he don’t care/When all I gotta do is beep him 911 and he’ll be there/Right by my side with his ruffneck tactics/Ruffneck attitude, the ruffneck bastard.” Oh yea I was Mr. IntelliThug’s Misses. It’s no wonder even my shrink said I’d end up becoming one of those lifetime women “He beats me because he loves.” But at the time no one could tell me anything.
Oh Mr. IntelliThug and I, we fell out a couple different times but we’d been together long enough for him to know my weakness – Hershey’s Cookies-n-Creme Chocolate. I know. I know. But this is not just any chocolate. This is foot stomping, Coming to America, Microphone dropping, Mr. Randy Watson, Sexual Chocolate. (LOL. I need that DVD in life ASAP). In short he always found a way to make it up to me and of course Dr. Gentleman was present every now and again. And as long distance as it was we saw each other enough.
Then one day Dr. Gentleman calls and he says Mr. IntelliThug is gone. He’s all that’s left. I miss Mr. IntelliThug but I don’t confess that to Dr. Gentleman because I like him too. And soon enough Dr. Gentleman sweeps me off my feet. We go on dates. We play guess that shape while looking at the clouds. He’s cool with me frolicking in fields. He treats me like a real lady like his equal and for a moment I feel like I’m his rib. But then life takes another twist and turn. It’s college time. And we make it work for almost a semester and a half. But while pursuing the study of science Dr. Gentleman creates a new alter ego – The Frankenstein Monster. Like Mr. IntelliThug, Frankenstein looks just like Dr. Gentleman but unlike Mr. IntelliThug Frankenstein isn’t really alive. So Frankenstein locks Dr. Gentleman away and takes his place for however long. Even though I didn’t catch on- around the middle of Spring semester I decided I’d had enough and Alas that was that. Last I heard Dr. Gentleman was in the witness protection program…
After and in between the main three. There were many others that gave chase.
Two had pretty eyes. One had two baby mommas. One went by the name of a symbol and as he was not Prince I was not impressed. A few tried to court me via text message. A couple invited me to be a side [invitations Rejected]. Some tried to be my daddy (Um, no thank you!). Others called me by annoying nick names (pudding pop, pooh bear, honey nut cheerio, etc. ugh please) and proclaimed their love for me without really knowing me. And Others still paraded in front of me pretending to be spokesmen of my true lover – Christ. And for one reason or another they didn’t get past phase one – impressing me enough to slow down…
CHRIST – the love of my life. My lover. My friend. My Everything. He’s proven to be more than enough. He showed me who I really was – royalty, worth far more than rubies, virtuous, a true princess. And instead of lowering my standards, I’ve raised them because of Him.
Between My Heavenly Father, My Savior Christ, the direction of the Holy Spirit, my earthly father and my big little brother I’d say I’m well taken care of and in no rush to be caught.
I am the Zebra, free to be pursued. But be warned I won’t be caught easily. Easily amused? True. But not easily impressed…