They are not so distant memories
Because I carried them in my heart
Weighing me down
Like plaque hardening and cracking and causing blood clots
That stop the oxygen exchange in my artery
Starving the heart muscle
Killing the cells that composed it.
Tiny memories giving me miniature heart attacks
I remember the physiology of it all.
I remember memories triggering the tightening
Of my chest. I remember struggling to breathe.
“So this is a panic attack.”
I remember anger.
An ever growing lump in my chest
That made me feel I was going to explode.
I remember nothingness.
Thoughts too troubling to repeat.
…a sinking feeling. Succumbing to depression.
Taking the entry way pity parties showed me.
I remember lust.
Confusing it with love.
Learning that lesson and then purposely
Disobedience leading to confusion.
I remember chasing –
Remember feeling like
A man would fill this emptiness
And that would cure all my dizziness
End all those panic attacks –
Because it would be the perfect distraction.
Wanting to be distracted –
My eyes leading the way for my feet to leave
My destiny track.
I remember needing direction
Looking everywhere but up.
Wanting validation from people
Needing to be affirmed
Listening to those close to me instead of the One closest to me…
I remember idol worship.
Building high places that weren’t cliche.
It wasn’t money. It wasn’t sex. It wasn’t power.
Tricking myself by the camouflage I dressed them in.
Idolizing the words of certain others.
Worshiping times of ease.
All stemming from a desire to please me.
I was my own religion.
I remember waking up
Rising to a new consciousness.
I remember guilt
Preparing to hang myself
By the noose of all my shame.
Ghosts of sins past coming to visit me.
I remember blinding light.
The kind of light that makes you want to close your eyes
I remember that light having a name.
This lover I had treated like a stranger
Stepped in to tussle with the skeletons in my closet
And as He had already defeated death
They were no match for Him.
I remember His touch.
The embrace. My sigh of relief.
Really breathing again.
I remember melting into His arms.
So thankful that He rescued me
But too afraid to look into the eyes
That had already read my soul.
I remember His voice.
Steady. Soft. Sweet.
Remember thinking “He’s talking to me…”
He said He would hold me
In his arms
For all eternity
If I would let Him.
“Why do you kick against the prick? Why do you doubt the Omniscient One? You only hurt yourself more when you run away from me.”
I’d been tripping over all kinds of hurdles
And blindly bumping into walls.
I sobbed in His arms. Clinging to Him.
“Will you forgive me? For being angry with You? Will you forgive me for every time I stood you up to please myself?”
He touched my cheek gently,
Kissed me lightly.
“I am the invisible chaperon.”
He was right.
He had kept me even in times when I didn’t want to be kept.
He was the sole reason my soul was still living.
I had been too concerned about receiving when my focus should have been giving.
To see where you were
And how God intervened.
I’m back on my destiny track.
And I’m clinging to my Lover
Now more than ever
…with this assurance
Even if I get down.
I won’t be down forever.
Jesus gives me no choice but to bounce back
And bounce higher every time.
…So when memories rush in like a wave on the sea
To overwhelm me
I tighten my grip on my life Savior
And we ride the waves of emotions together.
And at His Word
I can even walk on water…
Creating new memories
I [will] remember.