So…it doesn’t quite work like that…
I’ve started working on three different posts and I’ve been unable to complete any of them and that is SO unlike me. I’ve been having trouble with a lot of things lately and for a little while I didn’t understand what was going on. Come to find out that’s not the only thing that’s changing.
Could we just press rewind. If it was up to me I might still be sleeping in the fetal position – a great way to stay warm in a cold world. Oh, and I miss that lap. The one that belongs to my mother – the soft material of her dress pressed against my face as her fingers do a funny dance in my hair that lulls me to sleep. Sleep was sweet. A time when I dreamed dreamed dreamed awaaaaaaaaay. Reading was fundamental and childhood was the fun in Fundamental and I didn’t have to worry about medical or dental insurance. The assurance of my parents that I would be someone great was the mantra I lived by. Lived by. Lived by. Now I live by my—-self. And I’m short. Who can I call on to get what I need from the top shelf? And security!!! Where’s my security??? Blanket! I’ve had the blanket pulled right from under my feet. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up and what’s worse I skinned my knee and it hurts and it hurts and the earth seems so BIG and i feel SO small. What does it all – mean? It means change. Change means growth. And growth means go. And go means don’t. look. back. For a pillar of salt awaits you if you do. There’s no crime in remembering because you have to know what you have to let go, of. So you can grow, up.
It started coming on last night. I was in Bible study and I felt aggravation coming on. I confronted it and refused to give in. I was smiling still. Jesus makes everything bright. He has more for me. He wants more from me. I was like “God I hear you but…where am I supposed to find the time?” I knew the truth. One hour would no longer do. He wants more. So the wheels in my mind start to turn – “Okay Lord. Okay I need to get better at managing my time.” This morning I woke up and still had 3 papers to write…by the time I got on campus working on my paper I felt uncomfortable. HE whispered to my heart “You have to grow up. Time to let go.” And just like that I felt the people who were the very fibers that stitched together my security blanket slipping away from me. I felt the shift in the atmosphere. It was hard to explain. Hard to put into words. But I knew I was changing. My perspective was changing, my priorities were changing and my feelings and desires were changing. I felt my mind harden and my heart soften becoming more calloused and more compassionate all at the same time.
Then anxiety set in.
“I have no concrete plan no skeletal outline.”
But I have God.
I’m in a blind state. I can’t see past my nose and His light is blinding, I can’t see through that either! But I can feel His hand. I can hear His heart. I do have Him. So no matter how lonely this road gets I know I’m not alone. He wants me to be completely dependent on Him. Desperate for nothing else but Him. I’m on a life journey and this is a turn in the road…one I anticipated but one I didn’t know would arrive so soon. I can’t see Him. But He’s holding my hand.
…and I hear Him. “It’s time to let go…(it will be okay)”