“When you’re holdin’ back/Is it so impossible/Tell me why/…/When you gonna know/You’re too proud to let it show/” – Corinne Bailey Rae
This is why…
I’m Not in a relationship. I’m holding back. To be fair I should probably state that Bobby is holding back too. Okay – stating he is holding back has nothing to do with being fair it has everything to do with me not wanting to take all the heat for my part in all this.
I don’t know how to act in a relationship anymore. It’s been a long while. I really am enjoying singlehood and making the most of it so getting into relationship mode isn’t just going to happen with the flip of a switch.
Vulnerable? In theory I know the “how to” but practically speaking I don’t know how to get the how out of my brain and into my actions. If you ask him he’ll probably say I’m vulnerable enough with him but even in some ways I’m holding some things back from him. Why? Okay- I’m going to be honest. I don’t want to give more than I’m being given. Because with Bobby it really is Bobby’s World….
Do you remember that show?
In short the show is about a kid (Bobby Generic) with an overactive imagination and his perspective of the world. Bobby Generic lives in his head no one else around him knows what he’s seeing or what’s going on in this head. This is where I draw the similarity with the real Bobby because he’s the same way – he lives in his head and although he’s sociable enough I don’t really know what goes on in his head and I certainly don’t know what he’s feeling.
I figure – why should I tell him anything? Oh yes there’s plenty I’d like to sit down and share with him but he would only soak it up and give a few general responses none of which would give real insight into what he would be really thinking. So why bother? Some people may just say “So what? Forget about his response and just tell him. For your sanity’s sake”. Mmmmm. :fist to mouth: About that…I can’t do it. That would mean undoing all the work it took to prove that I wasn’t a big bag of corn chips.
And this is the problem I’ve always had once – once I open up even a little bit it’s like a hole in a levee and once the wave of emotion hits, that’s it, it’s a wrap – the levee will break and all the intensity of my emotion will hit. That’s what happens when I don’t hold back. And for someone who’s used to living in his head I don’t want to scare the man!
It’s not that I don’t want to share with Bobby or that I don’t think he can handle it, honestly, that isn’t it. At the core of this whole holding back issue is the fact that Bobby has a lot going on. He does a great job of describing all that is happening but a not-so-great job of sharing his reaction to everything. It’s great to think that we have this chemistry and that with the majority of words unspoken we can still know we’re on the same page but I don’t think that’s enough.
I’m not asking for Bobby to leave his world for mine. I’d just like for him to invite me into his world.
I think it’s time. I volunteer to be his sounding board. Of course God is all he needs but even God said that it’s not good for man to be alone.
This is the uncomfortable part – I’m going to wait & wait patiently! Honestly, I probably will try to prod & push & pick his brain but even after all of that in the event that all my efforts are vain and they don’t work I will wait patiently for him to open up for as long as it takes.
For as loooooooong as it takes!
Before being a Mrs. or a girlfriend it’s important to be a friend because a friend isn’t afraid to get all up in your stuff. That I can do. All crushing aside. I’m content with being Bobby’s all-up-in-your-stuff friend for now and he’s been good at returning the favor try hard as I may to front like I don’t like it…
It’s a beautiful night. Enjoy what dreams may come-
Sending out massive vibes of love & light!